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      03-27-2008, 01:51 PM   #23
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Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City & asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks & needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the title & everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage & parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 & the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out & found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow 5,000?"

The Chinese man replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks, for only $15.41, & expect it to be there when I return?"
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      03-27-2008, 01:54 PM   #24
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      03-27-2008, 01:56 PM   #25
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So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?'

Bill says, 'Well I got this magic lamp with a genie.'

So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?'

Bill says, 'Sure.' and hands him the lamp.

Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says, 'I want a million bucks'.

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!

Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!'

Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?'
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      03-27-2008, 01:58 PM   #26
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A mother and father took their son to a nudist beach. Once they got there, their son goes out to the water to play. A few minutes later he comes back and tells his mom that he saw a woman with much bigger boobs then her. The mom replies "The bigger they are the dumber they are" and the kid goes back out to play. He comes back and says "I saw a man with a bigger dong then daddy’s," the mom replies "The bigger they are the dumber they are". So the kid goes out to play again. This time when he came back he said "Mommy Mommy I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I've ever seen and the more he talked the dumber he got!"
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      03-27-2008, 02:08 PM   #27
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?"...

"She acts like she is asleep every time."
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      03-27-2008, 02:09 PM   #28
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A man goes into prison and he sees something odd. One of the convicts says a number and everyone laughs. Curious to know what it's all about, he asks the convict. "You see," he explains, " we have these jokes so well memorized, all we have to do is to call out the number and everyone gets it instantly."
The man calls out a number. "203". Everyone starts laughing hard. "Good one, we haven't heard about that one before."
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      03-27-2008, 02:16 PM   #29
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I probably should have been working, but those were good. Thanks.
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      03-27-2008, 02:42 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kensta335 View Post
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?'

Bill says, 'Well I got this magic lamp with a genie.'

So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?'

Bill says, 'Sure.' and hands him the lamp.

Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says, 'I want a million bucks'.

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!

Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!'

Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?'
There is a Russian version of this pretty old joke, but instead of a 12-inch pianist, it uses a tiny tennis court with tiny players underneath the table. The final line goes: "Do you think I asked for a 30-centimeter tennis?" The catch is that with the exception of the first letter of course, in Russian "tennis" is pronounced exactly the same as penis.
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      03-27-2008, 10:37 PM   #31
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10 Husbands, still a virgin!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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      03-28-2008, 07:47 AM   #32
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought
for a
moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Machel Montano for a million dollars.



Then ask your sister if she
would sleep with Machel Montano for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with &nbs p;Machel Montano for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.



'So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Machel
Montano for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Machel
Montano for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Machel Montano I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat.



Are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Machel Montano for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied.



'Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
Dad.



His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes.



Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars,
but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.
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      03-28-2008, 11:48 AM   #33
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This is the best tread! I'll post some of mine when I get off work
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      03-28-2008, 12:03 PM   #34
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There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork
legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store............. so what did she do?


What were you thinking?! Her husband speaks english!
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      03-29-2008, 10:39 AM   #35
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BREAKING NEWS!!

A tornado just hit a small house in Mexico, killing thousands.
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      03-29-2008, 10:43 AM   #36
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An asian man walks into an money exchange bank. Walks up to the teller and says, " I would like to exchange this money for US please." The teller says, " certainly sir, here you are 10 dollars"

The asian man now looks upset, " 10 dollars??? I got 15 yesterday for the same amount!!!"

The teller replies, " Sorry sir fluctuations."

The asian man angrily replies, "well fluc you white people too!"
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Some people are like slinkies...not really good for much but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs"
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      04-04-2008, 01:51 PM   #37
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I didn't try this but I'm told it works almost 100% of the time.


A Dog Is Truly A Man's Best Friend

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

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