The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Lady Jane]

I wanted to post a joke about sodium but I was like Na, they won't get it.

[flybigjet]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

I wanted to post a joke about sodium but I was like Na, they won't get it.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

That one hurt.

[BMWGUYinCO]

The days of good grammar has went.

[vreihen16]

A Cop on horse says to a little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[Markr]

A family are having an extension built on their house, and their 4 year old daughter spends each day watching the builders. At the end of the first week, the gaffer hands out the pay packets to his men, and the little girl goes crying to her mum. The gaffer spots this, and tells the mum that it will be fine next week.

The following week, same happens again, only this time the gaffer hands the little girl a pay packet with a few coins in. She was delighted to be getting the same as his men.

She runs to tell her mum that she has been paid like the big men, and that she wanted to go to the sweet shop to spend some of her pay.

They arrive at the sweet shop, and the mum explains to the assistant about the building work and her daughters pay packet.

The assistant asks the little girl if she will be working with the builders next week, the little girl said “only if they deliver the f!@*king bricks”

[Lady Jane]

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar and says: " Is this stool taken?"

[Dang3r]

I know no pics, but this can't be written

[Dino GT]

A man calls his wife and tells her that he's been invited on a fishing trip with his boss for a week.
He explains how it's a good opportunity for a promotion. And asks her to pack enough clothes for a week and to set out his rod and fishing box.
Oh, and please pack my new silk pyjamas.
The wife found that a little odd, but as a good wife, she did as she was asked and packed the new silk pyjamas.
After a week, the husband returned home from the fishing trip.
He looked tired but said he was happy he had built a stronger relationship with his boss.
The wife started asking about the trip....How was the trip, did you catch any fish?
The husband says; Oh yeah, lots of salmon and a few sword fish, but why didn't you pack my new silk pyjamas?
The wife says; I did, they're in your fishing box.

Women

[Lady Jane]

[KRS_SN]

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a
penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community? The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful accident, leaving her
penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

I wanted to post a joke about sodium but I was like Na, they won't get it.

Your jokes make me light headed, He He He.

[M5Rick]

Just came back from the fuel station and said to the wife that someone put just £10 worth of fuel in their car at pump 3, she replied that should get them to pump 4.

[Lady Jane]

Guess how much this roof cost.

Okay, how much?

Nothing. It's on the House.

[KRS_SN]

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people?

I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me. We leave early Friday morning (Aug 16th) from LA airport and will fly to San fransisco where we will have breakfast, then have lunch at a friend’s house.
Then we’ll do a flight across coastline and for dinner at santa barbara then fly back home.

If interested, please pm message me ASAP. Preferably someone with a helicopter, otherwise we can't go.

[3.0L]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[vreihen16]

A mugger grabs a guy on the sidewalk, and holds him at knifepoint.

He says, "Your money or your life!"

The victim says, "I'm married. I have no money, and certainly have no life."

The two men hug, and then walk down the street together to the pub.....

[KRS_SN]

A large oil company has announced that it is going to start producing fuel from Insect urine
I think it's BP.

[M5Rick]

A Brit lands in NYC and wants to hire a car.
He asks the hirer for a car with a manual gearbox and the hirer replies that he wants a stick shift, for that he ought to try the museum.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

I wanted to post a joke about sodium but I was like Na, they won't get it.

I posted a joke about helium and nobody got that either.

[Lady Jane]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

I posted a joke about helium and nobody got that either.

I understand. All the good chemistry jokes argon.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

I understand. All the good chemistry jokes argon.

Periodically, you are good! I'm going to give you the Noble prize.

[Lady Jane]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

Periodically, you are good! I'm going to give you the Noble prize.

I'm trying not to react to your post.But thank you! My ego needs inflating. He He.