The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Pauly Wauly]

My wife asked me to grab her something from the hotel breakfast, and when I asked for suggestions, she said "you know what I like."

I`ve never been so scared in my whole life.

[M5Rick]

As a kid I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.
Then I got social media.

[M5Rick]

A couple in their twilight years are half snoozing in their bed.
Wifey- I was dreaming I was at Walmart..
Hubby- I was dreaming I was with 3 women.
Wifey- was I there?
Hubby- No, you were at Walmart.

[Esteban]

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[KRS_SN]

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was excessive hair in his ears.

So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady that if she wanted to keep the problem from recurring she should get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemists and bought some Nair hair remover.

At the counter the male assistant told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The male assistant says, 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. And if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The male assistant said, 'Well, stay off your bike for a week.'

[Buug959]

And in other news the sexual position formerly known as "69" will now be called "96".
Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.