How do I have a conversation with my parents about taking a hold of my own life?

[Mosaud1998]

I graduated high school in 2016. Since I was young, college was always put on top of my head as super important. I had plans of going to the local community college to get an associate's degree in Marketing.

That went downhill after my dad had a conversation with one of his friends who said no employer would hire an Asian guy with a marketing degree. They'd rather hire a white person (seems racist). So, my pops told me to get a degree in mechanical engineering since I am into cars. Tried that and couldn't pass the higher math courses. Even with help.

That was 2-3 years wasted at the community college. I finally decided to go back into the business and graduated after 5 years with an associates degree. Obviously, an associate's degree to Asian parents isn't enough.

I am 23 almost 24 (in Jan). I am currently a salesman at a local Ford Dealership. Love what I do. Aiming to become a Used car manager or Sales Manager. I've been there for almost 5 months and average 15 cars a month. Keep in mind this is my first sales job. The first month I started, I sold 10 cars made roughly 2k that month. The second month I sold 15 cars made $9k. The third month, I sold 17 cars (I was on vacation for 3 weeks. Only had 1 car out. Came back sold 16 in 3 weeks). Made $8k. The fourth month, I sold 18 cars and was salesman of the month. Made $6k.

My YTD roughly so far is $72k. Obviously, it's the car business. One month you can make $5k. The next, $11k. So YTD can change. My parents keep forcing school on me. Even though I am bringing in close to what my dad does and I am half his age.

They keep telling me to get a bachelor's degree because without it you can't get a good job, nice house, nice car or get married????? WTF? Can they not see I am happy with what I am doing now and I'm successful?. I can't have any kind of conversation with them without college being brought up.

They act like without a degree you can't do anything. I was walking with my mom today and noticed how my neighbor brought a new BMW X3 and she's like, " with a good education and a good-paying job you can buy things like that". I responded with, " a college education doesn't guarantee anything". She responds with, "well I want you to get your bachelor's degree. You've been in school for 6 years." It's not my fault I lost interest. All they talk about is school 24/7. Like school is god.

I honestly believe I can be successful and make money in the car business. The 2-3 years I'll spend in a university that I am paying to go to just to make my parents happy I can spend in the car business and build my way up.

My sisters been in school for 12-13 years.... I mean, she's doing what she wants to (she's getting her Ph.D. in physiology and biophysics) but spend that much time in any industry and you're going to be a manager of some sort making 6 figures a month easily (obviously not fast food). She'll be making roughly 87k/year with that Ph.D. Going to school for that long just to make 87k/year...

Idk how to talk to my parents about letting me do what I want to. Every time I try to bring it up college gets put into the picture.

Sorry about the long post. I had to let it out..

[F32Fleet]

It's tough to have a family life and work in the car business.

In any case imagine being 30-35 and burnt out in car sales. What would you do? Your parents want you to be able to have options. A degree can give you that. Do your parents expect you to take care of them as they age? What about the parents of a future wife?

I know you want to do you but you don't want to be in your late 40's and hating your situation.

[wtwo3]

I'm probably not a good person to give advice on this....

But also having Asian parents, I can relate. One thing I will say - no matter what you do, they'll find something to try and push onto you. I got my bachelors - "why didn't you go for your MBA?". I have a high paying job where I make more than double what my father makes - "So and so is a business owner making millions".

Big thing after I graduated and got a good job was marriage - "why aren't you married yet? what are you waiting for?". After I got married - "when are you having kids? so and so already has 2 kids". Now after having a kid - "when is the 2nd kid coming?".

Point is, it's never enough. And while this won't work for everyone... I've just become numb to it and I tune it out. As long as I have a solid plan for my future and have thought about how I want my life to be, I live happily and tune out the constant reminder of disappointment from my parents.

On the one hand, parents want what's best for you, and there's merit in that. On the other hand, 1st generation Asian parents are completely out of touch with what constitutes success - and in their mind there's only one path. It's a case of them not knowing any better. So from that angle you still have to understand that they're simply doing this because they're worried about you... even if it's misplaced and short sighted.

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by F32Fleet

It's tough to have a family life and work in the car business.

In any case imagine being 30-35 and burnt out in car sales. What would you do? Your parents want you to be able to have options. A degree can give you that. Do your parents expect you to take care of them as they age? What about the parents of a future wife?

I know you want to do you but you don't want to be in your late 40's and hating your situation.

I don't think I'll be a salesman when I'm 30-35. I belive before I'm 30 I can become a sales manager. From talking to other Sales Managers from other dealerships (spoke to them on LinkedIn), you need about 2-3 years of sales experience to be a sales manager. I believe I can make a good Floor manager right now (floor managers close deals for salesmen). I just need to know the system we use in order to know what we have in each car. If that makes any sense.

[Mason Hatcher]

Do you live on your own?

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by wtwo3

I'm probably not a good person to give advice on this....

But also having Asian parents, I can relate. One thing I will say - no matter what you do, they'll find something to try and push onto you. I got my bachelors - "why didn't you go for your MBA?". I have a high paying job where I make more than double what my father makes - "So and so is a business owner making millions".

Big thing after I graduated and got a good job was marriage - "why aren't you married yet? what are you waiting for?". After I got married - "when are you having kids? so and so already has 2 kids". Now after having a kid - "when is the 2nd kid coming?".

Point is, it's never enough. And while this won't work for everyone... I've just become numb to it and I tune it out. As long as I have a solid plan for my future and have thought about how I want my life to be, I live happily and tune out the constant reminder of disappointment from my parents.

On the one hand, parents want what's best for you, and there's merit in that. On the other hand, 1st generation Asian parents are completely out of touch with what constitutes success - and in their mind there's only one path. It's a case of them not knowing any better. So from that angle you still have to understand that they're simply doing this because they're worried about you... even if it's misplaced and short sighted.

I can relate. My parents are already talking about marriage with me. I'm hardly even old enough imo. I haven't even found myself yet. I haven't even enjoyed myself or gone to places I want to visit like the BMW museum.

I know my parents think they know what's good for me but in reality you're not wrong. No matter what I do or how much I make, I'll be compared to the next person.

I've been trying to numb them out with this whole college thing but it's hard

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by Mason Hatcher

Do you live on your own?

Nope, I want too. But per our culture, ya can't really live on ya own unless you're married

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Mosaud1998

I graduated high school in 2016. Since I was young, college was always put on top of my head as super important. I had plans of going to the local community college to get an associate's degree in Marketing.

That went downhill after my dad had a conversation with one of his friends who said no employer would hire an Asian guy with a marketing degree. They'd rather hire a white person (seems racist). So, my pops told me to get a degree in mechanical engineering since I am into cars. Tried that and couldn't pass the higher math courses. Even with help.

That was 2-3 years wasted at the community college. I finally decided to go back into the business and graduated after 5 years with an associates degree. Obviously, an associate's degree to Asian parents isn't enough.

I am 23 almost 24 (in Jan). I am currently a salesman at a local Ford Dealership. Love what I do. Aiming to become a Used car manager or Sales Manager. I've been there for almost 5 months and average 15 cars a month. Keep in mind this is my first sales job. The first month I started, I sold 10 cars made roughly 2k that month. The second month I sold 15 cars made $9k. The third month, I sold 17 cars (I was on vacation for 3 weeks. Only had 1 car out. Came back sold 16 in 3 weeks). Made $8k. The fourth month, I sold 18 cars and was salesman of the month. Made $6k.

My YTD roughly so far is $72k. Obviously, it's the car business. One month you can make $5k. The next, $11k. So YTD can change. My parents keep forcing school on me. Even though I am bringing in close to what my dad does and I am half his age.

They keep telling me to get a bachelor's degree because without it you can't get a good job, nice house, nice car or get married????? WTF? Can they not see I am happy with what I am doing now and I'm successful?. I can't have any kind of conversation with them without college being brought up.

They act like without a degree you can't do anything. I was walking with my mom today and noticed how my neighbor brought a new BMW X3 and she's like, " with a good education and a good-paying job you can buy things like that". I responded with, " a college education doesn't guarantee anything". She responds with, "well I want you to get your bachelor's degree. You've been in school for 6 years." It's not my fault I lost interest. All they talk about is school 24/7. Like school is god.

I honestly believe I can be successful and make money in the car business. The 2-3 years I'll spend in a university that I am paying to go to just to make my parents happy I can spend in the car business and build my way up.

My sisters been in school for 12-13 years.... I mean, she's doing what she wants to (she's getting her Ph.D. in physiology and biophysics) but spend that much time in any industry and you're going to be a manager of some sort making 6 figures a month easily (obviously not fast food). She'll be making roughly 87k/year with that Ph.D. Going to school for that long just to make 87k/year...

Idk how to talk to my parents about letting me do what I want to. Every time I try to bring it up college gets put into the picture.

Sorry about the long post. I had to let it out..

First, congratulations on clearly outlining your situation. In some ways it sucks because you just want to do what you want to do. But, as I read your post, I learned that you have a bunch of positive things in your life going on:

1) Your parents care about you.
2) They want you to be successful
3) You are 1/2 way to a BS degree
4) The time you have already spent in college is not wasted. You have units toward a BS degree AND, believe it or not, you've learned some things.
5) You have found and industry that you like and also you are gaining some success in your job.
6) You care about your career and want to be successful.

Those are all great things. Now, how do you leverage all of those things for a successful and happy life?

If I were in your shoes, I would find a way to compromise, but where you are in more control. You are young with boundless energy. Anything is possible! I remember bringing this up with you before. You should find a college program and go for a BS in Business or Marketing that you can be a student AND keep your job. If your parents are so insistent that you get a 4-year degree, ask them to pay part or all of the tuition.

Keep your job while you get your degree. Cut back your hours if you have to or don't take a full load at school. Manage your time so you can do both. You can use what you learn in school to advance in your industry over time. If you want to just sell cars and not have a leadership and/or ownership position at some point, the college may or may not be a waste of time other than pleasing your parents. But then, what if you are burned out in sales in your 30s with no other skills?

Your parents may be old fashion and out of touch, but they are doing what they know how to do. Go give them a hug and find a way to make all of this work in your favor. Your 20s is the best time to work your ass off to set yourself up for the rest of your life. Go for it!

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

First, congratulations on clearly outlining your situation. In some ways it sucks because you just want to do what you want to do. But, as I read your post, I learned that you have a bunch of positive things in your life going on:

1) Your parents care about you.
2) They want you to be successful
3) You are 1/2 way to a BS degree
4) The time you have already spent in college is not wasted. You have units toward a BS degree AND, believe it or not, you've learned some things.
5) You have found and industry that you like and also you are gaining some success in your job.
6) You care about your career and want to be successful.

Those are all great things. Now, how do you leverage all of those things for a successful and happy life?

If I were in your shoes, I would find a way to compromise, but where you are in more control. You are young with boundless energy. Anything is possible! I remember bringing this up with you before. You should find a college program and go for a BS in Business or Marketing that you can be a student AND keep your job. If your parents are so insistent that you get a 4-year degree, ask them to pay part or all of the tuition.

Keep your job while you get your degree. Cut back your hours if you have to or don't take a full load at school. Manage your time so you can do both. You can use what you learn in school to advance in your industry over time. If you want to just sell cars and not have a leadership and/or ownership position at some point, the college may or may not be a waste of time other than pleasing your parents. But then, what if you are burned out in sales in your 30s with no other skills?

Your parents may be old fashion and out of touch, but they are doing what they know how to do. Go give them a hug and find a way to make all of this work in your favor. Your 20s is the best time to work your ass off to set yourself up for the rest of your life. Go for it!

I could go to school but the degree won't go me progress to were I want to be.

I've spoken to the GM at my job, the GM at a Mercedes dealership and the GM at a BMW dealership. All of them said a college degree doesn't matter when it comes time to hire someone for a manager position. What matters is how much experience the client has in the car sales industry.

So, if I do end up going to school and working I'll mostly drop school. I tried it before and stopped going to college... Idk I think I've just lost all interest in college

[aliiin]

This resonates me a bit. I am an ABC in my early 30s and didn't take the traditional Asian route, either. I was supposed to go to grad school after finishing my bachelor's degree but decided to become a professional poker player. Quite the polar opposite of a "prestigious career" (doctor, lawyer, engineer). It will never be a "real job" to them, even if I made 100 million a year.

Show them you are self-sufficient and happy with your life. That's all you can do. You won't be able to change the culture and traditions they have engrained into their mindset. Asian parents will always find something to harp on, nothing is ever enough. They mean well, but at the end of the day, it's your life... live it how you want.

You're still young and have time to figure things out. Have a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, and even Plan D. It's okay to fall flat on your face in your 20s. You aren't married or have kids so don't feel like there's a timeline. Go at your own pace, you'll figure it out.

Like wtwo3 said, learn how to tune it out and let them talk

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by aliiin

This resonates me a bit. I am an ABC in my early 30s and didn't take the traditional Asian route, either. I was supposed to go to grad school after finishing my bachelor's degree but decided to become a professional poker player. Quite the polar opposite of a "prestigious career" (doctor, lawyer, engineer). It will never be a "real job" to them, even if I made 100 million a year.

Show them you are self-sufficient and happy with your life. That's all you can do. You won't be able to change the culture and traditions they have engrained into their mindset. Asian parents will always find something to harp on, nothing is ever enough. They mean well, but at the end of the day, it's your life... live it how you want.

You're still young and have time to figure things out. Have a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, and even Plan D. It's okay to fall flat on your face in your 20s. You aren't married or have kids so don't feel like there's a timeline. Go at your own pace, you'll figure it out.

Like wtwo3 said, learn how to tune it out and let them talk

My plan is to save a bit of money and possibly buy a townhouse. Either rent the whole thing out or live in one room and rent the other.

I want to own a few investment properties down the road. I've got a few thousands invested in stocks. Doing good with stocks so far

[XutvJet]

You're 23 and live in the US. Do what the hell you want. They'll either disown you or get over it. I'd go with the latter. It's your life and your rules. Old culture is dying. Same with religion.

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by XutvJet

You're 23 and live in the US. Do what the hell you want. They'll either disown you or get over it. I'd go with the latter. It's your life and your rules. Old culture is dying.

Wish it was thst easy

[Humdizzle]

its pretty typical of asian parents. almost nothing is good enough.

friend is an anesthesiologist making over 350k, his mom says "only surgeons are real doctors". Even my own parents... i thought about being a dentist because its 4 years after college and done. That idea got shut down quickly. I went through the grind and do primary care now. pretty much the lowest paying doctor job but i enjoy it. Dad who makes 3x my salary in his specialty field still says i should put in more time into training and be an oncologist or cardiologist because "its prestigious".

do what YOU love. but have a plan or roadmap of where you see yourself into the future. grinding to move cars off a lot can't be done forever. a degree will be a good thing to fall back on just in case.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Mosaud1998

I could go to school but the degree won't go me progress to were I want to be.

I've spoken to the GM at my job, the GM at a Mercedes dealership and the GM at a BMW dealership. All of them said a college degree doesn't matter when it comes time to hire someone for a manager position. What matters is how much experience the client has in the car sales industry.

So, if I do end up going to school and working I'll mostly drop school. I tried it before and stopped going to college... Idk I think I've just lost all interest in college

Well if that's the case then you have your answer about what to do about college. How you manage that situation with your parents so they get off your back is another matter.

Before you throw the notion of 2 more years of college out the window, please consider a couple of things:

Ask these GMs that told you a degree isn't important if they they got a degree. If the answer is no, I would question the validity of their advice for YOUR future.

Also consider that how cars are sold, both new and used, is rapidly changing. Just take a look at how its changed in the past 10 years. You want to be on the winning side of whatever changes are coming. An education could possibly give you an advantage.

Look, if you are dead set against investing a couple of more years in education, I would say don't do it just for your parent's sake. It's much easier to accomplish if you actually want it for yourself. I gave this advice to both my kids and they both decided on their own to get college degrees and they are doing great in their careers.

Whatever you do, best of luck!

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

Well if that's the case then you have your answer about what to do about college. How you manage that situation with your parents so they get off your back is another matter.

Before you throw the notion of 2 more years of college out the window, please consider a couple of things:

Ask these GMs that told you a degree isn't important if they they got a degree. If the answer is no, I would question the validity of their advice for YOUR future.

Also consider that how cars are sold, both new and used, is rapidly changing. Just take a look at how its changed in the past 10 years. You want to be on the winning side of whatever changes are coming. An education could possibly give you an advantage.

Look, if you are dead set against investing a couple of more years in education, I would say don't do it just for your parent's sake. It's much easier to accomplish if you actually want it for yourself. I gave this advice to both my kids and they both decided on their own to get college degrees and they are doing great in their careers.

Whatever you do, best of luck!

The GM at My dealership only went to community College. The GM at BMW went go College in India. GM at Mercedes has a College degree in business

[540iSUP]

I totally get where you're coming from. I had a long winded story about my life, but I'll just keep it simple.

It takes time. I'm now 38 years old and my mom barely stopped trying to run my life. All my life she wanted me to be an MD or RN. Coming from a 3rd world country, you have to realize that the only way out for them was an education. I grew up in an era where education was highly prioritized.

Times have changed. You can be really successful without a higher education, but what hasn't changed is the fall back plan. Education will always be a safety net. Sometimes school isn't about an education either. Its about making connections with people in your industry. Sometimes its not about what you know, but who you know.

My suggestion to you is to move out. You can afford your own place; thinking that its hard to move out of your parent's home because of cultural reasons will hold you back. If the reason is that you need to take care of someone at home for health reasons then you probably should stay home and take care of business.

I had to go through therapy before I realized that my Mom's behavior was toxic and caused my self esteem to plummet. So for your sanity, you need to move out. For a long time I didn't talk to my mom and I felt anxiety whenever I was asked to talk to her. I knew the first words out of her mouth would be something along the lines of me not being good enough. I also realized that she was projecting on me, she didn't finish school until she was in her 40s and she struggled. She did not want me to struggle either.

Now my relationship with my mother is better, but I'm not completely open with her either. Asian parents can be extremely racist, prejudice, and judgmental. You are not your parents, you are your own man and your parents will realize that in time. My mom is very materialistic, so I have to show her things to "prove" that I'm doing fine.

Most of the time I don't know if she wants better for ME, or she just wants me to do better so she can brag about it to her friends. Either way, its your life and your happiness. Your parents want better for you, but the only "better" they know is education. They aren't wrong about that concept, but they are wrong in how it is applied. Experience is also an education.

Just give it time dude, its hard, annoying, and stressful, but in time, things will get better.

[Mosaud1998]

Originally Posted by 540iSUP

I totally get where you're coming from. I had a long winded story about my life, but I'll just keep it simple.

It takes time. I'm now 38 years old and my mom barely stopped trying to run my life. All my life she wanted me to be an MD or RN. Coming from a 3rd world country, you have to realize that the only way out for them was an education. I grew up in an era where education was highly prioritized.

Times have changed. You can be really successful without a higher education, but what hasn't changed is the fall back plan. Education will always be a safety net. Sometimes school isn't about an education either. Its about making connections with people in your industry. Sometimes its not about what you know, but who you know.

My suggestion to you is to move out. You can afford your own place; thinking that its hard to move out of your parent's home because of cultural reasons will hold you back. If the reason is that you need to take care of someone at home for health reasons then you probably should stay home and take care of business.

I had to go through therapy before I realized that my Mom's behavior was toxic and caused my self esteem to plummet. So for your sanity, you need to move out. For a long time I didn't talk to my mom and I felt anxiety whenever I was asked to talk to her. I knew the first words out of her mouth would be something along the lines of me not being good enough. I also realized that she was projecting on me, she didn't finish school until she was in her 40s and she struggled. She did not want me to struggle either.

Now my relationship with my mother is better, but I'm not completely open with her either. Asian parents can be extremely racist, prejudice, and judgmental. You are not your parents, you are your own man and your parents will realize that in time. My mom is very materialistic, so I have to show her things to "prove" that I'm doing fine.

Most of the time I don't know if she wants better for ME, or she just wants me to do better so she can brag about it to her friends. Either way, its your life and your happiness. Your parents want better for you, but the only "better" they know is education. They aren't wrong about that concept, but they are wrong in how it is applied. Experience is also an education.

Just give it time dude, its hard, annoying, and stressful, but in time, things will get better.

I'm right with you on not knowing if your mom just wants better for you or better for her so she can show you off.

When I was going to community College, they kept asking me why I didn't got to a 4 year university like UIC (well known university here in chicago) and stuff.

I want to move out but with how the housing market is, it's ridiculous

[2000cs]

Keep to your path, love your parents, maintain an open mind to more education. You don’t need it now, but if you want to run a dealership, own one, or own many, it will really help to have business knowledge (BA-Biz or MBA) and some pre-law or biz law classes.

Meanwhile you might introduce your parents to Mike Rowe and his foundation. On FB and YT. Not to get in their faces, just to show that there are alternative paths that make career and financial sense.

[Mason Hatcher]

Originally Posted by Mosaud1998

Nope, I want too. But per our culture, ya can't really live on ya own unless you're married

Are you in the US? You will never be your own man until you become your own man.

[e90335e36m3]

Originally Posted by Mosaud1998

Wish it was thst easy

It IS that easy...and you're already doing it. Your parents want you to follow the traditional immigrant path to success, which is a graduate level of education followed by a white collar job, preferably doctor or lawyer. I don't know whether this is explicitly stated in your family or not, but regardless of the amount of $$$ that you earn in your current salesman role, your parents will always view it as a blue collar hustle, one they won't be able to brag about to their immigrant friends whose children are curing cancer. I'm sure your sister is their pride and joy even if she will ultimately make 1/2 of what you do. That's what they value.

Attainment of $$$ is what you value most and there is nothing wrong with that. In just about every thread you meticulously break down your sales / salary for all to see. We're proud of your accomplishments at 23-24.


You've already made your choice and are going after what you value, not what your parents value. So again, it IS that easy and you're already doing it. I don't buy this whole, how do I tell my parents I don't want to do XYZ and escape their bonds. Same goes for moving out of the house before marriage...you just don't want to yet, when you do you will. Deep inside, I suspect it's because you just want to save your $$$, not because you wish to honor tradition or your parents.

Like others have said, the higher you want to go, the more important education becomes, even if its value is only on paper. If all the other GMs have MBAs, but you don't, you're probably not going to get the job, in car sales or elsewhere. Continuing education will make you more marketable and will open up other avenues for you. It needs to be said, education does not equal intelligence, but it opens doors.

[Maynard]

Originally Posted by Mosaud1998

.....sisters been in school for 12-13 years....but spend that much time in any industry and you're going to be a manager of some sort making 6 figures a month easily ...

Not even guaranteed to make that much a year - I think you are going on fantasy numbers and predictions (same for the idea that your sis will never make more than 90k, but it sounds like you could not go that route even if you wanted to). You need first to decide if you are going to be a traditional guy or not - live at home, follow their rules. Move out (and get some real advice on what different professions make) and you can start being independent. Trying to have your cake and eat it too will leave you back at square one in your 30s (or worse, 40s).