The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Markr]

How do you tell the clan of a Scotsman? Lift his kilt, if he has a quarter pounder, he is a McDonald.

[KRS_SN]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.’

[Esteban]

^ Haha, funny one, KRS_SN. Coincidence, my younger sister's name is Shawn.

[PcarFan]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.’

I thought he was going to say that she had a baby

[tranquility]

The video is entertaining enough, but the comments
https://youtube.com/shorts/uWqABgdASa4?feature=share

[M5Rick]

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

[vreihen16]

American TV personality Jerry Springer passed away earlier this week. I was wondering why the flags at trailer parks were all flying at half-staff.....

[BMWGUYinCO]

A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[M5Rick]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

[StunnedMonkey]

A guy is in a doctor's office for an exam...

Doctor: Listen, I know you're not going to want to hear this, but I'm going to have to recommend that you stop masturbating.

Patient: What? I don't understand, Doc, why?

Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.

[vreihen16]

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from.....

[M5Rick]

With the rise in self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

[Esteban]

A man tells his doctor "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies "sorry, I don't follow you."

[Esteban]

Q: what do you get from a pampered cow?

A: spoiled milk.

[Lady Jane]

Irish funeral.

There were two evil brothers from Dublin. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers' deception but he also spoke well
and true and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising
campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother
sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him
a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say
my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited
the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was
an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[vreihen16]

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I struggled to make hens meet.

[M5Rick]

I can't believe I was fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

[Esteban]

🍒

[Esteban]

What did the leper say

to the sex worker?

Keep the tip

[3.0L]

.

[M5Rick]

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

[Esteban]

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.