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04-07-2023, 07:17 PM | #1057 |
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Help Wanted
Commercial fishing operation has an immediate opening for baiting hooks. After 6 months of
satisfactory performance as apprentice baiter, guaranteed pay raise and promotion to master baiter.
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///M235i | Mineral Grey Metallic | Premium Package | Technology Package | Driver Assistance Package | Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather | Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system | 8-speed automatic
When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser |
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04-08-2023, 03:42 PM | #1058 |
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"Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that.
He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him. He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes. As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again " |
04-09-2023, 02:21 AM | #1059 |
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If you stay calm while all around you is chaos,then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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04-11-2023, 10:22 AM | #1060 |
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I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time. |
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Samurai of 2day2113.50 infinitekidM2C4205.50 Llarry15407.50 dradernh4347.50 shimmy232341.00 BMWGUYinCO4120.00 |
04-11-2023, 08:08 PM | #1061 | |
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Quote:
I suspect it came out of the military, but I'm not sure about that.
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2017 M240i: 23.8K, 28.9 mpg, MT, Sunroof Delete, 3,432#, EB, Leather, Driving Assistance Package, Heated Front Seats | Sold: E12 530i, E24 M635CSi, E39 520i, E30 325is, E36 M3 (2)
TC Kline Coilovers; H&R Front Bar; Wavetrac; Al Subframe Bushings; 18X9/9½ ARC-8s; 255/35-18 PS4S (4); Dinan Elite V2 & CAI; MPerf Orange BBK; Schroth Quick Fit Pro; GTechniq Crystal Serum Ultra Ceramic; Suntek PPF Last edited by dradernh; 04-11-2023 at 09:18 PM.. |
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04-13-2023, 01:39 PM | #1062 |
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I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.
I know it's authentic, because there's a bit of veneer missing. |
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04-13-2023, 05:51 PM | #1063 |
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When I was in the Army in the late '60's, we called it "skating" or "F-ing off."
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///M235i | Mineral Grey Metallic | Premium Package | Technology Package | Driver Assistance Package | Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather | Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system | 8-speed automatic
When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser |
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04-13-2023, 05:52 PM | #1064 |
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Cannibal #1: "I don't like clowns."
Cannibal #2: "Me neither. They taste funny."
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///M235i | Mineral Grey Metallic | Premium Package | Technology Package | Driver Assistance Package | Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather | Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system | 8-speed automatic
When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser |
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04-13-2023, 06:06 PM | #1065 |
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An Englishman, Welshman and a Scotsman were all stranded on an island and somehow manage to find a dead deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said “We’ll sort it out by which football teams we support”. The others agreed. The Welshman said “I support Liverpool so I’ll have the Liver”. Then the Scotsman said “I support Hearts so I’ll have the heart”.
The Englishman said “I support Arsenal but I’m not that hungry!” |
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04-15-2023, 03:37 PM | #1066 |
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I think they picked me for my motivational skills.
Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around. |
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04-19-2023, 09:09 PM | #1067 |
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04-21-2023, 04:06 AM | #1068 |
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
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04-21-2023, 11:23 AM | #1069 |
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Window washer motto
"There never was and there never will be a constipated fly."
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///M235i | Mineral Grey Metallic | Premium Package | Technology Package | Driver Assistance Package | Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather | Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system | 8-speed automatic
When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser |
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04-21-2023, 11:36 AM | #1070 |
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Q: What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common.
A: They both come off with alcohol.
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04-21-2023, 05:50 PM | #1071 |
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Q: If Mr. Spock has pointed ears what does Mr. Scott have?
. . . . . . A: Engineers.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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04-23-2023, 06:10 AM | #1072 |
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The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
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04-27-2023, 03:07 AM | #1073 |
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I got kicked out of my community theatre group.
The director told me "Let's see you limp." How was I supposed to know she meant walking?
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'22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimao Blue/Tartufo
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04-27-2023, 08:06 AM | #1074 |
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I'm still angry that my high school class voted me "Most likely to hold a grudge".
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04-27-2023, 08:38 AM | #1075 |
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Some old ones:
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving little messages around the house. What did the duck say when it bought lip gloss? Put it on my bill Whatís the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? Oops What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again! A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave". |
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