The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Mandi90TT]

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.

The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last, the mathematician awakens, and finds that the embers of the fire are still burning. After giving much thought to the problem, he gets up and lights it up to an actual fire. Then he goes back to sleep, satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.

[2000cs]

Three graduate students have become trapped in a deep, earthen pit. After considering their predicament they agree to each think about solutions for a bit, then present their best ideas to each other.

The Art History PhD candidate is first to offer a solution: “If we take turns yelling as loud as we can, surely someone will come along and toss down the end of a rope and we will be rescued!”

The Engineering candidate quickly scoffs at that, saying, “we have no idea how long that might take and there is no guarantee of success. Instead I propose we use our hands and dig steps around the perimeter of the pit, like a spiral staircase, and eventually we will ascend to the surface.”

They then turn to the Economist for his solution. He proudly states, “Assume a ladder…”

[KRS_SN]

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a family medicine practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the family practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
P
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

[SpeedBuggy]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

Twenty Yards to the Outhouse

by: Willy Makit
published by: Betty Wont

Under the Bleachers

By: Seymour Butts

[M5Rick]

What's the smartest insect? A spelling bee.

[M5Rick]

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano of course.

[CrownGlass]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

Twenty Yards to the Outhouse

by: Willy Makit
published by: Betty Wont

Illustrations by Nowa Diddent

[vreihen16]

Exercising seven days in a row makes one weak.....

[Dino GT]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy asks, who's this? This is the maid said the woman. We don't have a maid he says. I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.
Well this is her husband he says, is she there?
Ummm.....She's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.
The guy is fuming and says to the maid. Listen, would you like to make $50.000.00?
What do I have to do? She asked.
I want you to get my gun from my desk and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with.
The maid puts down the phone and he hears footsteps followed by two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone and asks. What do you want me to do with the bodies?
Throw them in the pool said the guy.
What? There's no pool here, she says.
There was a long pause and then he said. Uh...sorry, wrong number!

[Kowalski2011]

Guy walks into a bar. Sign says

-Ham sandwich - 5 dollars
-Hand job - 10 dollars

Guy says to the bar keep "wash your hands and make me a sandwich'

[Mandi90TT]

For my D&D nerds

What did the Tabaxi barbarian/sorcerer sing?


Despite all my rage, I am still just a cat and a mage

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Mandi90TT

For my D&D nerds

What did the Tabaxi barbarian/sorcerer sing?


Despite all my rage, I am still just a cat and a mage

Not a D&D person but like the SP song reference.

[Mandi90TT]

Originally Posted by Esteban

Not a D&D person but like the SP song reference.

Smashing Pumpkins, especially in the late 90s, is one of my favorite bands

[WallySlash]

“Hole in the Bed” by Mr. Completely

[rwheels]

Could have been an actor, but he wound up here.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

Exercising seven days in a row makes one weak.....

Weak in a week...I'll see myself out.

[M5Rick]

A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person perished.Who survived? Married couples.

[Dino GT]

Little Johnny gets home from school and tells his dad he got an F in arithmatic.
Why? Asks his dad.
The teacher asked me how much is 2x3 and I said 6.
But that's correct, said his dad.
Then she asked me how much is 3x2.
What's the f#$king difference? Asked the dad.
I know, that's exactly, what I said!

[Mandi90TT]

A helium atom walks into a bar.

The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve noble gas."

The helium atom doesn't react.

[Markr]

Man walks into a bar, ouch!

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Markr

Man walks into a bar, ouch!

[Watching The World Burn]

Jason.