I'm depressed, anxiety-ridden, and frankly kinda scared.

[Fritzer]

Kind of embarrassing because I know some people on the forums personally, but I don't really have anywhere else to vent about this. Around the start of Summer 2020 I left my job due to lack of work. I worked in management in the automotive field and our business was doing so poorly I was barely able to get 5 hours/week when I was used to getting 55-60. I had some money saved up and along with partial unemployment I decided to work on something personal that I've been wanting to do for a long time. My closest friend was and is involved and very successful in the field, I actually moved in with him and have been partially working for him and trying to get my own operation started up. I've had issues with depression but much more than that, issues with anxiety in the past. I can normally manage it well but sometimes it just gets to you. I've had to deal with a ludicrous amount of stress in the last 20 years of my life, not trying to toot my own horn but few people have been through and dealt with the circumstances I've dealt with, I've just noticed what I've been through is quite irregular over the years. Anyway, I can handle stress pretty good.

I've had serious issues with motivation while working at home. I've made progress here and there but I'm pretty much no where from where I've started. The partial unemployment ran out almost a year ago, have been so caught up in myself that I finally realized I have been burning through the remainder of my savings. I feel like such a failure. I know with my previous employment I can always go back to it, don't necessarily want to though. I just wish I didn't waste so much of my fucking time. I had a really good opportunity to try and get started but my anxiety and laziness got the better of me. How can I be such a depressed, unmotivated fuck now - yet be the most productive person working overtime daily at a normal job? I feel like I wasted a whole year and a year's worth of income and now I'm pretty much right where I started pre-COVID.

Will probably stay out the rest of my lease with my friend here in Texas, not really sure what I'm going to do after that. Can't necessarily live with him while working a normal job(he has a pretty particular lifestyle and doesn't mesh at all with normal life, nothing bad just it requires a lot of odd time management/lifestyle I guess). Don't really have any fallbacks, money burning, of course still dealing with car issues. Oh and my phone got repaired and the screen started coming off so I've been without a telephone for two days because it's in the shop, can't stop thinking about the $800 I owe the State of California because I couldn't pay the $500 ticket in time. IDK. I'm just stressed the fuck out and have pretty much no one to talk to. Sad I know. Driving home today from the phone repair place I started having palpitations and the precursors to a panic attack, which I'm actually going through right now as of typing this. I just took some weed though so I'm calming down a bit, may drink a little too. :-)

Good things I have going for me: -25ish pounds after the last two months of trying to lose weight, less than 1 more year of car payments before I'm auto-debt free, and I have the possibility of writing off 2-3 serious marks on my credit(if i can cough up some extra dough) in the next couple of months.

[Fritzer]

also it's like storming outside really hard right now so my power might go out and i may not respond for a day or two - don't worry i'm not suicidal if i don't stop responding lol. just need to vent talk i guess

[chassis]

Thanks for sharing this.

Continue with improving your health and well being.

- healthy BMI, mid-low 20s. Eat the right quantity of good quality food, and exercise.
- live below your financial means, continue paying off debt
- avoid drugs and excessive intoxication
- sleep regular and sufficient number of hours
- separate yourself from people that are obstacles to the above
- develop a spiritual component to your life

[Fritzer]

Originally Posted by chassis

T
- healthy BMI, mid-low 20s. Eat the right quantity of good quality food, and exercise.

yeah I have my goals all laid out. I used to bodybuild pretty hard 5 years ago but due to a back injury i had to retire and got fat. I've been making progress though and one of the few things making me happy recently is my fitness improvement.

Originally Posted by chassis

T
- live below your financial means, continue paying off debt

I've always been frugal but oftentimes I let anxiety take over and I neglect/ignore certain financial aspects. Of my life. Paying my debt off is really gratifying and I know in about a year or two I will be completely debt free which will be the first time in nearly 7 years.

Originally Posted by chassis

- avoid drugs and excessive intoxication
- sleep regular and sufficient number of hours

I generally don't drink/do drugs - occasionally though. I'm also in the process of quitting nicotine. Sleep has been an issue for me oftentimes I don't sleep for a day. It has been improving as of recent with my weight loss though.

Originally Posted by chassis

- develop a spiritual component to your life

This is something my father always told me, stopped going to church years ago. Not really sure how to go forward but I agree it is an important aspect of life nonetheless.

[leopard print]

I have no useful input, just want to wish you the best, brotha.

[FuzzyPeaches]

Not me but, my friend, who is currently living with me for the 2nd or 3rd time, goes through the same things. She's manic-depressive and its like a roller-coaster all the time. When she is working, she's always the hardest/best employee wherever she is... to the point that other, established employees start to resent her. And, of course, that doesn't help the depression/anxiety. When she is down, like right now, I have to keep a cool head because she's mad at something and just takes it out on me.

IMO, the thing to REALLY keep in mind is you don't have to deal with it completely on your own. There's always someone who is willing to help out. Hell, if you don't know who that person is in your life, reach out to me! I've been trying to help her... I'll listen to you too and give what I feel is the best advice.

What kind of lifestyle does your friend live that you working a normal job would cause you to not be able to live there?

[Nachbar]

Originally Posted by leopard print

I have no useful input, just want to wish you the best, brotha.

+1 here. Sorry to hear, my friend.
My brother in law went trough anxiety and depression for years, untill he found the right girl, who could handle and help him in these situations.

[stocktree]

Some people have the drive and leadership to do things. If nothing can light a fire under your butt to motivate you, then working for yourself may not be in your cards. Find a job. Staying home is causing most of your issues.

[Nativetexan]

I commend you for reaching out and at least not bottling it up.

The first real step to controlling/dealing with anxiety is the acknowledgement that it's there. Most people just bury bury bury til they can't.

So you really are further along in moving past it since you are at that acknowledgement point.

My advice based on what you wrote is
- find a physical outlet, whether it's walking or yoga (especially good with back issues!), something that's low key and you do daily. Build from there. NO hitt workouts or heavy exhausting workout!!!
-write out a new 3,6,12 month set of goals and from there critique how long it might really take to achieve them. If you have to go a lot slower than you think, be okay with that. Progress is progress.
-find a community of people to be around and social with. Like complete strangers doing some kind of hobby or similar interest.
-mentioned previously by another…find a spiritual component to your life. That will take a tremendous amount of pressure off you.
-keep talking and be open minded!
- GTF off social media if you're on it
-avoid the news. Important news will find you
-Learn/practice CBT

God Bless man! Hang in there.

[BMW F22]

This is a tough thing/position to be in: on the one hand, it’s hard for anyone here to help. On the other, I don’t want to ignore such posts because it would be terrible if you just wanted someone to listen to and nobody pays attention, things might get out of hand. So I am glad you’re venting here.

Depression and anxiety are difficult things to overcome. A lot of it builds up over time and we often don’t catch it. It takes a lot of work and being mindful to recognize the root causes. I’ll offer a few nuggets here for what they’re worth. You are welcome to (and should) vent here. We don’t know each other but if it helps you then why not?

1. The pandemic has been tough on a lot of people; especially if you’re just at home not doing much. Idle hands and mind are the devil’s playground. So pick up a hobby, join a Meetup group, exercise more, read books, etc. Do or learn things that will help develop skills that will be useful in the future.

2. Money is always on people’s mind. It causes stress and anxiety. It puts you in this ditch and it feels like you are never getting out. I’ve been there, made mistakes, learned from it, and got out of it. Not only that, but I am in a much better place because I learned from it. So you need to think and know that you will be fine. Trust in yourself and in the universe. Don’t dwell on things that happened in the past, it would only drive you more anxious and depressed. Think of small steps you can do to move forward.

3. It’s harder said than done but do things and hang out with people that make you happy. Take small steps but start meditating, replace your negative thoughts with positive ones, recognize that you are not your thoughts and that they are just thoughts. Your thoughts don’t define you. It’s very difficult because you’re essentially debunking everything you’ve built up over the decades and rebuilding them. So take it slow.

4. Really be mindful and pay attention to watch makes you sad/anxious. Don’t dwell on them; just note them as thoughts. Then think about point 3 and see what you can do to change the mindset/situation. I can’t stress enough how important it is to believe in yourself and know that everything will work out in the end (if it hasn’t worked out, then it’s not the end). I speak from experience when I say that until you make up your mind that you KNOW and WILL make things better, nothing will change. So you might as well start now.

[DenverSteve]

Sounds as though you're familiar with the mental-health patterns you are going through. Do you have a Medicare or CalMHSA case-worker? A mental-health clinic that you visit/frequent? If so, you should call your case worker and if not, you need to get in and see someone who can help. Good luck with your travails. California has one of the best mental-health systems in the world. If you haven't taken advantage of it in the past, contact CalMHSA as soon as you can and start in a program that you can stay with and benefit from.

[bigrum]

I feel for you and am in the exact same boat in some ways with motivation. Since covid I work from home for a corporation and it is fucking hard to do anything and I don't know why. No distractions at home, just not motivated. I used to bitch about commuting an hour each way every day but this is an extreme to the other end.

I've struggled with anxiety and insomnia as well, drinking was a huge catalyst for me so please be careful with that and be honest with yourself. Maybe talk to a counselor? Strangers or not, people out there care about you.

[Bunnny]

Due to a health condition, I had anxiety so bad I'd vomit on my way for a 'night out', so I understand how some of this feels. The crushing weight of debts, but they're just debts, they're not going to come and hinder you. You might have to pay them but perhaps contacting who you need to and negotiating to make payments will make it less scary? Explain your situation, and generally people are willing to listen.

May I recommend taking a close look at your diet, it could very well be something you are intolerant to, and depression is how an organ like your brain is responding to it.
Perhaps you feel this way after eating gluten, dairy or heck even veggies, for example.

[2000cs]

If you re-read your opening post, but as a reader not the author, you might see that you’ve already identified some issues that you can address. What would reader-you advise author-you to do?

On the mental health side, seek some support. This is the strong move, not a sign of weakness.

On the business side, it seems you need structure and can’t provide it for yourself. If I got that right, then pretty yourself up and go find a job. If money is tight, take anything to get you out and earning again, then work on a move toward your preferred role/company/industry. I’m talking McDonalds. Don’t be ashamed; working and earning is always better than not.

Once you get some momentum in both arenas, you’ll likely be fine.

Good luck and check back. I don’t know you but I care about you and want to see you through this.

[cooolone2]

NativeTexan nails it!!! Sound advice...

I'll add a little!

Fear... Is a creation in the mind! It is the basis for axiety and many other issues that begin with thought. But recognizing the FEAR is manifested by the mind and does not exist otherwise is a good first step going forward.

Second is the Serenity Prayer! Knowing the things you have control over and the ability to change them and knowing the difference is very important! And this is closely aligned with FEAR as too many do not make decisions or act because they ignore or refuse to recognize reality and then use fear as a mechanism to not do something, etc.

Just live! Life is funny and as bad as some think they have it, they don't have it so bad at all. And I agree, seeking answers or dwelling on social media is problematic in contemporary society, avoid it at all costs...

Otherwise, roll with the punches! There are so many opportunities out there right now I would find it ridiculous for anyone to say they can't find gainful employment. The media fix and social paradigm that this is a great reset and you should look for your dream job is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. You take a job to pay the bills and work towards what you want. Yes, if your dream is there grab it, but you stay in reality knowing that Bird in Hand is Worth Two in the Bush!

Work isn't everything either ... Get out, smell the roses, catch a sunrise or sunset, go for a hike, go to a car show, a outdoor market, craft fair, festival, a multitude of things to stay active and enjoy life!

Good Luck!

[Tommy-G]

WOW, this hit home on many notes...doing my morning work walk through then Ill edit with my $.02

[nyalpine90]

my advice is, get your old job back if you can or find something similar.
once this happen, you can be living on your own, pay off debts.
but this time around make time for yourself, and your project or goals.
a step at a time and stay focus.
best of luck to you!!

[cmyx6go]

First - Just breathe. Deep breaths.

I know it's easy to say but don't look back. You can't change what already happened, so no sense dwelling on the past. Go forward. As others have said, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there. Get a job, I don't care what it is, just get a job. Anything for now until you find the right job. You'll have purpose, and it will get you out of the house. Being home alone is not a good place to be with your thoughts.

And feel free to vent here. We can be a bunch of assholes sometimes but we do step up and support each other in times of need.

Maybe you just need to talk to strangers and get things out anonymously. If you're comfortable with it, speak to a professional. Hang in there. Things will get better. One step at a time.

Also know you are not alone. It's been a really fucked up year or two for so many.

Good luck to you.

[heitzke]

Absolutely nothing wrong with venting here, it's good to be able to talk about this kind of stuff 'out loud' even if it's just to strangers. The shitty thing here is I'd recommend seeing a therapist but they're so out of reach when there are financial struggles.

Also recognize that it's hard to talk about things of this level and depth with some friends too. I always have a tough time with it, and realizing that a lot of my friendships are single dimensional and aren't particularly deep.

That being said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with going back to where you were and getting some stability back. I did the exact same thing ~5yrs ago when I was finishing up a divorce and I bailed out of my startup consultancy to a larger corporation for the stable footing I needed.

I felt like a total failure in a professional sense, but for me personally, it was 1000% the right call and allowed me to figure out what I needed out of my career. Trying something and it not working out isn't your fault, it's super brave to have tried at all so be kind to yourself. You're doing the best you can.

I'm an absolute stranger, but PM me if you wanted to talk to a total stranger more about anything.

[Tommy-G]

Fritzer Sounds like you're being super hard on your self. I dont know how old you are but life is full of ups and downs. Its how you recover that sets you apart from others.
This Pandemic/China Virus/Lockdown/Quarantine has been tough on everyone (or almost everyone) and it affects people in different ways.
Personally, it has def turned me into much more of an introvert. My biggest enjoyment is going to work nowadays. We moved to Florida 6 years ago to relax and enjoy life. We used to go to the beach and relax, talk to strangers when out to dinner/drinks and now I dont want anything to do with anyone.
I have no "friends" here and it has been very difficult to make friends. Back home, I had a lot of true, good friends who I know are still there for me but we don't talk like we used to b/c everyone is in some sort of funk these days.

Back during the recession of 08-11 my financial situation got bad, real bad. It was to the point where I was running up credit cards to buy lunch. We worked hard, got out of our house without a forclosure or a short sale but like you we had burned through all our savings.
Sometimes just talking to strangers is more therapeutic than turning to friends or family. Try to find something that brings you joy and focus on that to get back on track. If you have to put your personal dreams on hold for a bit, focus on being happy first then work on your dream.

I know I'm all over the page but if you want to talk to another car industry guy....reach out.

[Fritzer]

wow passed out last night didn't expect all these responses, going to go through them as I have time. thanks guys. also woke up and the storms knocked power out lol

[CTinline-six]

I've been super busy, so I haven't been able to respond even though I read this when the OP first posted it.

Anxiety is a sneaky bitch, one that I've dealt with for years despite seeming like a confident and outgoing person on the outside. It is common in my family on my dad's side. Both my dad and grandfather as well as some of my uncles suffer from panic attacks. Anxiety and depression often get worse with head injuries, which I've had several of those from doing martial arts at a young age, sports, car accidents, and other random concussions. It is a difficult thing to deal with especially to someone on the outside who doesn't experience it. I can't tell you the number of times I've been told by family, friends, etc, to just "not be anxious". When anxiety takes over, you are incapable of functioning, thinking, eating, etc. I had a panic attack in college once that was so bad I basically forgot where I was.

The reason you felt better before, was because you were distracted. The key is being busy. Busy enough to keep your mind occupied, but not so busy that you get overwhelmed and the anxiety tornado as I call it starts spinning.

Having hobbies that keep my mind busy, working out hard and consistently, and a low dose of medication are what keep me in check. Without any of those pieces of the equation, it can disrupt the flow of things. I would recommend talking to a doctor or counselor and getting some meds. In my experience they help you get out of the downward spiral. They aren't an end-all "solution", but they help you enough so you can at least focus and get started in the right direction so you can make decisions on your career.

As much as it sounds cliche, things could always be worse. I completely understand where you are coming from because I am very hard on myself.