She wants me to drive the 335i while she drives my daily driver

[Tambohamilton]

Unpopular opinion; the OP should give her the $200 if he must, tell her to drive the damn rental...and drive his 335 anyhow

[upstatedoc]

Tell her to go make you a sandwich and see what she says. Report back.

[R N M]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

This. It's a little test to see where she stands/what she can demand. Even if it is subconscious.

This 100%

Its about trying to get control and having it her way. If you are married or have serious relationship- there are NO GO Zones that you respect of the other person. If by now she hasn’t realized that its cars for OP then she is no good. If she has realized it and still trying to go there to get control then that’s even worse especially when you start having real problems to work through….

[Gregrobin]

Wow, I did not expect this type of response, great feedback everyone.

We've been dating for 6+ years, moved in together about 9 months ago. She is 37, I am 55. No kids. She is very financially independent and has done well for herself. No debt except for her house. She doesn't need the $200. In fact, all she is going to do is hand it over to the rental car company to pay for the daily CDW. If she accepts it from me at all, which I bet she doesn't.

I don't see this as controlling behavior by her, though I understand the points. A car is a car is a car is a car to her, it gets you from point A to point B. She has her late grandmothers car, dinged up, sat in a barn for 2 years, but runs great. Prior to that she had a very nice newer Acura that she sold as she could not justify having a nice car. When her grandmother past away she sold it and started driving grandmothers car.

She needs to understand why this car is so important when it's just a car. I keep telling her she doesn't need to understand, and just let it go. Gradually over time she's gotten better with "me and the car".

Of the two, I am the one who likes to spend money, she doesn't. She's actually been good for me that way. I've also helped her let go a bit, and spend a little extra money on nicer things. She still shops at Dollar General though, which I refuse to go into :-) .

Her dad has his original first car, a 1966 Mustang. He kept it in the garage all of her life at home. He recently retired and restored it. Even built a new garage with a lift. She gets that since it's an antique and he has an emotional attachment to it, lot of memories and history as well, and it's tied to his late mom and dad.

To her my 2008 335i is not an antique or classic, just a car.

[Pauldunlop13]

I think one way to explain it to her, is that at one point her dad's Classic car was ONLY 13 yrs old... I mean at one point it was only 1 week old

so I think this is a great opportunity to explain that you are trying to do the exact same thing her father did

I think that will work - worth a try anyway

[R N M]

If you been together over 6yrs then she definitely knows what buttons to push. She obviously knew that this would bother you. Only the beginning my friend lol

[DenverSteve]

What a stupid dilema. I actually see both, and neither side. To solve any impasse there has to be; 1) a meeting of the minds (agreement)/compromise, 2) capitulation by one side OR 3) stalemate remains. Whatever the root-cause, she wants to drive a car that the owner doesn't want driven.

Whether she wants to see that she's as important to the OP as the car, or whether she wants to exert power in the relationship - it doesn't matter. She asked if she could use the car and he said no. The solution, if handled rationally, doesn't matter WHY because they aren't married (community property or expectation to share all) and she has no legitimate expectation to drive the "extra" car - unless that has been the practice in the past. She has no need to a spare car as she has a rental/loaner AND she has no need for the money as she isn't broke so the simple answer is she should handle her situation (accident with rental) and he should handle his property as he sees fit.

Even if they were married, if they have a history of separating money and things, he would know what is important to her and not mess with her stuff and Vice Versa. I've been married for 33 years and my wife would never touch my cameras, guitars, bicycle or car without asking. Not because she should ask and not because I'm an asshole who thinks I have special things that are untouchable (I do as I'm a professional musician and some of my guitars cost more than a car) but because they're mine not ours. We buy cars separately, we have joint and separate bank accounts (both equally self-sustaining) and what is ours (houses, money, property, child) we share completely and fully. However, what is important to her is hers and I keep my sticky hands off. The OP and his girlfriend (yes, much lower status than wife) have to know the boundaries and respect them. Regardless of why. No one here can tell him how to handle this especially you Neanderthals who think the car is like a pair of shoes to the OP's SO. She can't be, and doesn't sound, that shallow. "Dump her" over a spare car? That's far more juvenile than this entire situation. You just say no.

I wax philosophical but..........
He's dating a child (20 years age difference) so don't discount that fact affecting her desire to be, at least, as important to him as his car. That said, when you draw lines, you better be ready for the fallout when they're crossed.

[zx10guy]

Originally Posted by Gregrobin

Wow, I did not expect this type of response, great feedback everyone.

We've been dating for 6+ years, moved in together about 9 months ago. She is 37, I am 55. No kids. She is very financially independent and has done well for herself. No debt except for her house. She doesn't need the $200. In fact, all she is going to do is hand it over to the rental car company to pay for the daily CDW. If she accepts it from me at all, which I bet she doesn't.

I don't see this as controlling behavior by her, though I understand the points. A car is a car is a car is a car to her, it gets you from point A to point B. She has her late grandmothers car, dinged up, sat in a barn for 2 years, but runs great. Prior to that she had a very nice newer Acura that she sold as she could not justify having a nice car. When her grandmother past away she sold it and started driving grandmothers car.

She needs to understand why this car is so important when it's just a car. I keep telling her she doesn't need to understand, and just let it go. Gradually over time she's gotten better with "me and the car".

Of the two, I am the one who likes to spend money, she doesn't. She's actually been good for me that way. I've also helped her let go a bit, and spend a little extra money on nicer things. She still shops at Dollar General though, which I refuse to go into :-) .

Her dad has his original first car, a 1966 Mustang. He kept it in the garage all of her life at home. He recently retired and restored it. Even built a new garage with a lift. She gets that since it's an antique and he has an emotional attachment to it, lot of memories and history as well, and it's tied to his late mom and dad.

To her my 2008 335i is not an antique or classic, just a car.

I beg to differ. It is controlling behavior to the point where she's projecting her will onto you as to what she deems important without considering you in the equation. I should have recognized this behavior in my ex wife as it was definitely a sign of things to come. My ex got on her high mighty horse about how I was too materialistic and focused on things too much. When I got a really nice sofa for my family room, she about lost her $hit. This was when we were dating. So it wasn't even her money. And it didn't decrease the ability for us to still get out and enjoy things due to money issues. But she was so focused on this sofa that carried into when we got married. When things started going south in the marriage, one of the things she did which she knew would piss me off was purposely spill stuff onto this sofa. Totally disrespectful and intentional. All the posturing and virtue signaling went away during the divorce when she went after more than what she was entitled to as marital assets. This behavior wasn't the main thing that destroyed the marriage. But it was part of a number of contributing factors that were all tied together.

I bet she'd change her tone about it being a car if you went at her grandmother's car with a sledge hammer. If she can't let this go, especially after you providing a more than proper compromise, that's a big red flag. What's going through her mind is how dare you not bend to what I feel is right and I'm going to keep at it until you do.

[omasou]

Today it's "I don't get it, it just a car" Tomorrow it's something else "I don't get it, why do we need ..."

Just like the kids, the answer is... b/c I said so or b/c I want it.

It's like religion and politics. Some people have their view of things and are not willing to stand in your shoes to see your view b/c only their view makes sense.

[Gregrobin]

Originally Posted by omasou

Today it's "I don't get it, it just a car" Tomorrow it's something else "I don't get it, why do you need

I don't disagree. I do the same with her when I do not understand why she does what she does, or thinks the way she thinks, etc. The challenge is to learn to accept it, don't change them, which I am working on as well. I think she has in this case as it has not come up again.

I agree with the boundary comments here as well.

[Alfisti]

The ages here make it interesting, we are not dealing with kids in their first rodeo. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.

[S1nner]

No is/means no for my wife. Period.

[ky0u]

Originally Posted by omasou

Today it's "I don't get it, it just a car"

This is such a common thing to hear when you're a car person. And it sucks because you know at the most basic level it's carries some truth. But cars to me and others like me are a hobby and passion. That's the differentiating factor and people who only see cars as transport have a hard time understanding that. Even moreso when the cars aren't "conventional" antique collectibles or exotics

All vehicles I've owned, I've acquired for specific reasons. Even my 335i, which is a regular, run of the mill, mass production car and not even an IS, holds huge sentimental value to me as it was a staple in a really important chapter of my life when I was growing up.

The best way I have to deal with people like this is just to shift their focus to the "hobby" part specifically as opposed to what the hobby is. It'd be like having a neighbor who's heavily into their garden and then you stomp through it while saying: "what? it's just plants". Almost everyone has some mundane thing they're into that is "just X" on the surface level but is deeper to them personally

[shoei]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

The ages here make it interesting, we are not dealing with kids in their first rodeo. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.

The latter. For sure.

[Tommy-G]

OK, I thought after 2 pages this was dead...but then I read pg 3 & 4! Jackpot, the towel incident is fabulously psychotic.

Now,
1-go to Enterprise and pay the money and have them call your girl and say they made an error there is nothing due for CDW
2-post her picture so we can decide if shes hot enough to warrant crazy behavior
3-disregard all our advice and do what you want b/c ultimately its your car and your girl and we are just a bunch of boobs on an online forum
4-go to the shop and give the tech $100 to get it done quicker, explain the scenario and he will understand

[minn19]

Originally Posted by Gregrobin

Wow, I did not expect this type of response, great feedback everyone.

We've been dating for 6+ years, moved in together about 9 months ago. She is 37, I am 55. No kids. She is very financially independent and has done well for herself. No debt except for her house. She doesn't need the $200. In fact, all she is going to do is hand it over to the rental car company to pay for the daily CDW. If she accepts it from me at all, which I bet she doesn't.

I don't see this as controlling behavior by her, though I understand the points. A car is a car is a car is a car to her, it gets you from point A to point B. She has her late grandmothers car, dinged up, sat in a barn for 2 years, but runs great. Prior to that she had a very nice newer Acura that she sold as she could not justify having a nice car. When her grandmother past away she sold it and started driving grandmothers car.

She needs to understand why this car is so important when it's just a car. I keep telling her she doesn't need to understand, and just let it go. Gradually over time she's gotten better with "me and the car".

Of the two, I am the one who likes to spend money, she doesn't. She's actually been good for me that way. I've also helped her let go a bit, and spend a little extra money on nicer things. She still shops at Dollar General though, which I refuse to go into :-) .

Her dad has his original first car, a 1966 Mustang. He kept it in the garage all of her life at home. He recently retired and restored it. Even built a new garage with a lift. She gets that since it's an antique and he has an emotional attachment to it, lot of memories and history as well, and it's tied to his late mom and dad.

To her my 2008 335i is not an antique or classic, just a car.

This helps clear some things up. It's not a battle I'd pick, but I if the car is that important to you than she needs to accept that and move on. Communication and learning to live with someone is great isn't it!

Curious since most here are calling her out (over the top IMO with little info), is she usually not very understanding or demanding etc? How about you, you said you are 55 and most at that age are pretty set in their ways/not wanting to change a whole lot.

Mostly just curious.

[minn19]

Originally Posted by S1nner

No is/means no for my wife. Period.

So many macho/tough guys on here.

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by Tommy-G

OK, I thought after 2 pages this was dead...but then I read pg 3 & 4! Jackpot, the towel incident is fabulously psychotic.

Let's do one more.

We rented a cottage with her sister and her family a month or so ago, fabulous place, lots to do, kids splashing about, fishing etc, good times yeah.

The day seemed to be going fine, no conflict etc, actually bonding over the WEIRD behavior of my bro in law who got the sulks over his new job.

We were all by the lake but the wife was out of eye shot, i get up to go inside and tell my eldest (9) to not go in the lake until i get back. I was maybe 5 mins, tops. I step outside and the mrs goes absolutely BEZERK. She asked the boy to go in the lake to get the paddle board and he wouldn't budge because i said not to go until I got back.

She is just TEARING into me, in front of everyone including both my kids. Her reasoning is I am too hard on the kids so they don't do what she says because they are scared of me. Maybe not entirely untrue because I am definitely the firm parent, she has no concept of accountability or consistency or any type of boundaries for the kids then loses it as the kids run amock on her. Anyways, so she just tears into me, saying the boy was scared of me and it is mental abuse or some such garbage, just totally trips out and cracks the shits for a full 24 hours before she lets it go.

I'm standing there with a "wtf was that" look which I am sure was amusing to everyone but her.

One important footnote to this, she was "supported" by her sister who feels I am too hard on the kids. Now, the night before, the sister's 4 year old lost his fucking mind because his grand father gave my youngest a marshmallow that was slightly more roasted than the other one. When his grandfather handed him a further roasted marshmallow, he threw it on the ground. He then proceeded to roar, uncontrollably in anger. Then he went inside with his parents who consoled him on the couch for 30 minutes, during which time he kicked his father in the head. To resolve the situation, they brought him back out to the fire and not only did the marshmallow thing all over again but ALSO added chocolate and smores as a reward for his behavior. My solution would have been to send him to bed with no dessert and let him cry it out but apparently that is child abuse.

And I am the bad guy here.

[minn19]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Let's do one more.

We rented a cottage with her sister and her family a month or so ago, fabulous place, lots to do, kids splashing about, fishing etc, good times yeah.

The day seemed to be going fine, no conflict etc, actually bonding over the WEIRD behavior of my bro in law who got the sulks over his new job.

We were all by the lake but the wife was out of eye shot, i get up to go inside and tell my eldest (9) to not go in the lake until i get back. I was maybe 5 mins, tops. I step outside and the mrs goes absolutely BEZERK. She asked the boy to go in the lake to get the paddle board and he wouldn't budge because i said not to go until I got back.

She is just TEARING into me, in front of everyone including both my kids. Her reasoning is I am too hard on the kids so they don't do what she says because they are scared of me. Maybe not entirely untrue because I am definitely the firm parent, she has no concept of accountability or consistency or any type of boundaries for the kids then loses it as the kids run amock on her. Anyways, so she just tears into me, saying the boy was scared of me and it is mental abuse or some such garbage, just totally trips out and cracks the shits for a full 24 hours before she lets it go.

I'm standing there with a "wtf was that" look which I am sure was amusing to everyone but her.

One important footnote to this, she was "supported" by her sister who feels I am too hard on the kids. Now, the night before, the sister's 4 year old lost his fucking mind because his grand father gave my youngest a marshmallow that was slightly more roasted than the other one. When his grandfather handed him a further roasted marshmallow, he threw it on the ground. He then proceeded to roar, uncontrollably in anger. Then he went inside with his parents who consoled him on the couch for 30 minutes, during which time he kicked his father in the head. To resolve the situation, they brought him back out to the fire and not only did the marshmallow thing all over again but ALSO added chocolate and smores as a reward for his behavior. My solution would have been to send him to bed with no dessert and let him cry it out but apparently that is child abuse.

And I am the bad guy here.

Geezus, that does sound effed up.

[Torgus]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Let's do one more.

We rented a cottage with her sister and her family a month or so ago, fabulous place, lots to do, kids splashing about, fishing etc, good times yeah.

The day seemed to be going fine, no conflict etc, actually bonding over the WEIRD behavior of my bro in law who got the sulks over his new job.

We were all by the lake but the wife was out of eye shot, i get up to go inside and tell my eldest (9) to not go in the lake until i get back. I was maybe 5 mins, tops. I step outside and the mrs goes absolutely BEZERK. She asked the boy to go in the lake to get the paddle board and he wouldn't budge because i said not to go until I got back.

She is just TEARING into me, in front of everyone including both my kids. Her reasoning is I am too hard on the kids so they don't do what she says because they are scared of me. Maybe not entirely untrue because I am definitely the firm parent, she has no concept of accountability or consistency or any type of boundaries for the kids then loses it as the kids run amock on her. Anyways, so she just tears into me, saying the boy was scared of me and it is mental abuse or some such garbage, just totally trips out and cracks the shits for a full 24 hours before she lets it go.

I'm standing there with a "wtf was that" look which I am sure was amusing to everyone but her.

One important footnote to this, she was "supported" by her sister who feels I am too hard on the kids. Now, the night before, the sister's 4 year old lost his fucking mind because his grand father gave my youngest a marshmallow that was slightly more roasted than the other one. When his grandfather handed him a further roasted marshmallow, he threw it on the ground. He then proceeded to roar, uncontrollably in anger. Then he went inside with his parents who consoled him on the couch for 30 minutes, during which time he kicked his father in the head. To resolve the situation, they brought him back out to the fire and not only did the marshmallow thing all over again but ALSO added chocolate and smores as a reward for his behavior. My solution would have been to send him to bed with no dessert and let him cry it out but apparently that is child abuse.

And I am the bad guy here.

No, you are the sane adult who is parenting correctly. You job is to be their parent 1st not their friend 1st. People who grow up coddled are in for a rude awakening when they find out the world is not a nice place. Might affect them negatively for life.

[Alfisti]

I will put my hand up and say I get frustrated easily. I am a good man, barely drink, don't have any vices, always employed, always home, love my kids, do tons of stuff with kids etc but I get annoyed quickly and I can get shouty with the kids if i have to repeat myself over and over and over. I am working on less shouty, more punishment but that gets kaiboshed.

[Gregrobin]

Originally Posted by Tommy-G

OK, I thought after 2 pages this was dead...but then I read pg 3 & 4! Jackpot, the towel incident is fabulously psychotic.

Now,
1-go to Enterprise and pay the money and have them call your girl and say they made an error there is nothing due for CDW
2-post her picture so we can decide if shes hot enough to warrant crazy behavior
3-disregard all our advice and do what you want b/c ultimately its your car and your girl and we are just a bunch of boobs on an online forum
4-go to the shop and give the tech $100 to get it done quicker, explain the scenario and he will understand

Minus #2, well said :-)

Originally Posted by minn19

is she usually not very understanding or demanding etc? How about you, you said you are 55 and most at that age are pretty set in their ways/not wanting to change a whole lot.

Mostly just curious.

I would not say she is demanding or not understanding, and yes, I spent 10 years living alone before she moved in, so I am sure I am set in my ways.

We are both ISTJs, so empathy is a challenge.

https://www.16personalities.com/istj-personality