She's "always" complaining

[D_o_S]

Hi guys (and gals),

looking for a little relationship advice... bear in mind, I am not the most experienced in relationships, so if this sounds noobish... forgive me.

I have been close with a woman, let's call her Jane, for over a year... we message each other "daily", spend weekends and evenings together, go on holidays together... but it's a little complicated...

There is one topic in general that seems to trigger endless complaints - my driving. It must be mentioned that the first time she saw me drive has probably left its mark: it was a massive downpour, at 23:00 at night, and we had an hour and a half ahead of us...

And I drove carefully, yes, but clearly (and as she confessed recently) to her, it seemed to be "on the limit". She said nothing at the time... but since, on shorter drives, she has complained about "braking too hard", "following cars infront too close" (I don't tailgate, but when we're in a traffic jam or at "walking speeds", I do hold a 3, 4 meter gap, usually not more), "driving too slow in parking lots", "taking turns too aggressively", etc.

To try to aid things, I let her drive for a bit... and I gathered some experience in that she brakes much earlier and ever so softly. So, I started to do this too, I accelerate gently, etc. She has claimed that it's a marked improvement!

BUT! Two things have happened:

- I took her on a trip with a friend of hers, and I could sense she was nervous. She said I was driving like so and so, but... her friend joined us for a part of the journey (4 hour drive). At the end of the journey, her friend said "what a wonderful driver I am"... and lo and behold, Jane said that ever since we picked up her friend, I had been driving "better"
---- my drawn conclusion: I drove the same. But she took her mind and worry off things, and concentrated on her discussion with her friend...

- We recently had to get to an appointment reasonably on time. Since we're in a COVID country, it could be expected that traffic will not be bad. But even so, I launched WAZE and drove according to WAZE... and a few times during the journey, I heard:
---- "I wonder how this navigation algorithm works"
---- "You're taking us all around the city, clearly"
---- "It's quite twisty here"
---- "I would have just checked the main roads on Google and went my own way"
etc... From my point of view, WAZE did choose an optimal route, that avoided several traffic lights at intersections, and we got where we needed to be on time.

On the way back, since we weren't necessarily pressed for time, I let her "choose" the way... and all in all, we a) ran in to a "construction site", b) the road was marginally less twisty, c) we "made it on time"...

In general, I am a calm person, and I don't really press onto people close to me to "push my opinion through". So, all in all, I didn't directly comment on her "complaints", or if I did, I tried to do so in a sarcastic, funny way (i.e. "Oh, I want you to see the beauty of the city" , etc.)

To me, this is a relationship topic that keeps recurring, and I would like to sort it out. From my point of view:
- I have accommodated my driving style to suit her perceptions (there may be a little improvement left here, but nothing too big, I assume)
- She is probably carrying the "first negative first experience" with her
=== All in all, to me, it seems like this is more in her mind than in my driving

I have the sort of feeling that whatever I do, however I drive, it will always be wrong unless she is physically in control of the car.
- If I take the "objectively" fastest route... well, we've seen that, it's too twisty etc. (with no comment on how it avoids traffic, lights, etc.)
- If I take the "preferred" route, and arrive late - well, we're late, I would have gone that way... etc.
- If I choose the shorter lane of traffic and then get stuck... well who's to blame... etc etc etc

Yes, I am a spirited driver, and yes, I am first to look at myself... but, based on my description:
- what do you think?
- what should I do?

In terms of what to do, I don't want to be ignorant to her, but I have decided - based on all this that I have experienced - to be playful and lighthearted about her complaints. Not to demean or make fun of her, but to show her I do feel what she's saying to a certain extent, and that "everything will be alright".

HELP PLEASE! Thanks

[spazzyfry123]

[X Driver]

Kick her out of car.. and live... my advice..

[D_o_S]

LOL, I was "afraid" these were the types of responses I was going to get...

I do feel something towards her... and from her...

... and I understand relationships aren't easy, nor perfect...

And so, I'm willing to try to make things work. If they don't they don't - but hey, at least I did what I could...

Thanks

[dmatre]

I'm going to be different from the rest here.

My advice would be to discuss the issue openly.

If this relationship has any long-term possibilities, you both need to understand what each other want/need/can't stand in a relationship.

Communication is how this information is exchanged.

Over 38 years of dating/marraige, my wife has done many things that got under my skin - and vice versa. We discussed them openly, and if they weren't deal-breakers (they weren't) we modified our behavior/responses.

If you find that she's unwilling to communicate and work toward a common goal, then you have two choices: Continue with a relationship that has no long-term future (do you even care? Or are you just experiencing life until you get out of school/better job/etc), or break off the relationship and start fresh on your search for 'Mrs. X'.

[JP10]

Dang tough spot you are in lol. Agree with the above, talk it over with her, find where there is a middle ground. I think I am in an opposite position in my relationship. She does a lot of what you had mentioned without realizing, follows way too close, brakes to hard, etc etc. Yet it has caused zero issues. Compromise is that I drive everywhere and she is my trusted navigator (mostly because we are usually driving somewhere she wants to go, and if something goes wrong on the route I can blame her lol!). Although she does complain about my parking lot navigating, I prefer to park far away she wants to be close. Bottom line, we both have complaints about each others driving, but we both understand that we have complaints. I know what she doesn't like and she knows what I don't like. So when something is said we usually just laugh it off.

[cmyx6go]

Sounds like a control freak to me. I agree to have a talk but.... screw that. If she doesn’t like your driving. She should drive or shut up.

I had the exact opposite in a recent long term relationship. I’m the female spirited driver. He’s the on the gas, off the gas, early braker, stay left for no reason. I wanted to stab him when he drove but would keep my mouth shut. When we did road trips, I always drove. To me, driving is part of your personality. It is what it is. Also, to some, driving is just getting from point A to B. To others, it’s a talent, a game of chess.

I’d be honest and let her know you care for her but she annoys the hell out of you when she does the back seat driver thing. You’re not unsafe, your style is just different than hers. Good luck.

[hooligan_G01]

Originally Posted by dmatre

I'm going to be different from the rest here.

My advice would be to discuss the issue openly.

If this relationship has any long-term possibilities, you both need to understand what each other want/need/can't stand in a relationship.

Communication is how this information is exchanged.

Over 38 years of dating/marraige, my wife has done many things that got under my skin - and vice versa. We discussed them openly, and if they weren't deal-breakers (they weren't) we modified our behavior/responses.

If you find that she's unwilling to communicate and work toward a common goal, then you have two choices: Continue with a relationship that has no long-term future (do you even care? Or are you just experiencing life until you get out of school/better job/etc), or break off the relationship and start fresh on your search for 'Mrs. X'.

Thank you!

OP - I assume you are both over 18, right? If so, welcome to the land of grown-ups. Grown-ups talk to each other with openness and honesty.

Tell her you're trying to make her more comfortable by driving less aggressively, but that her constant complaining about how you drive even in the face of those efforts to do "better" are aggravating.

[macadamia9]

If she's already "always" complaining, it's only going to get worse IMHO.

And as to why she was different after her friend said you were a good driver seems to me that she trusts and values her friend's opinion, but is still disrespecting you. Clearly, she does not share your passion for spirited driving.

And lastly, with your response saying that you were "afraid" you'd get those type of responses - it seems to me that you are trying to justify staying with her because you already feel something for her. I can say that I totally and completely love a woman named Beth, but cannot stand to live with her (we tried for 3 years from 2005 thru 2008) and she feels the same way. We are great friends still to this day, mostly because we do not live together (or in the same state, for that matter...)

I like dmatre's response as well - communication is a wonderful tool and you should discuss with her your concerns. If she gets upset when you are open and honest with your feelings toward her complaints, park her in the "friend" zone and enjoy her company, but look elsewhere for love.

I'm 54, was married for 10 years where I never did anything right, and my longest relationship has been with my 16 year old Chihuahua named Kong. He and I have been together since 2004. There is a lot of truth to the old saying, "The more I know women, the more I like my dog..."

I am happy, I am mostly healthy, I am employed, I own my own home, and I travel. I am happy to live alone. Why am I saying all of this? You sound young (at least younger than me anyway) and maybe have not gone through something like this before. I have. Actually, I have a couple of times. I was wrapped up in my feelings instead of what I knew was right. I'm not saying to ditch this woman. All I'm saying is it seems you have noticed a couple of red flags that tend not to change with time.

Bottom line: pussy is a powerful motivator. Kingdoms have been fought over and lost because of it for millennia. I guarantee there is a woman out there who shares your passion for driving, will respect you completely, will think you are sensible in your choices of routes to take when you travel, and will not "always" complain...

Good luck!

<casually drops two shiny American pennies on the table and sidles away...>

[Gray_Panther]

Just tell her if she don't like your driving she can leave the relationship. If she is complaining about that, who knows what she will complain about in the future.

Don't be a simp.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by macadamia9

And as to why she was different after her friend said you were a good driver seems to me that she trusts and values her friend's opinion, but is still disrespecting you. Clearly, she does not share your passion for spirited driving.

More concerning is why the friend even brought the topic up, unless the complainer was criticizing your driving in pre-trip conversations with her friend. That's a sure sign that your driving is a relationship deal-breaker in my books.

Lord knows there's enough pucker marks in the passenger's seat of my autocross car from scared passengers, but those were in a controlled environment and not on public streets.....

[Mason Hatcher]

Well, that takes care of the "simp" advice. On the other hand, everyone believes they are a great driver. Perhaps you are not.

Your post was kinda long, so let me ask if she bitches about other things, or is it just your driving?

[Caduceus]

Is her friend hot and single?

She likes your driving

[The Choosey begger]

Keep fuckin her and just ignore her bitchin...

[chassis]

@D_o_S

Agree with addressing the topic with her openly and directly.

And she will not change. I know 80 year olds who behave the way you have described. Accept it, or move on. Hoping she will change is a recipe for a long and unpleasant relationship.

[4Hockey4]

"I have accommodated my driving style to suit her perceptions"

Say this to her and move on, and ask her to stop commenting everytime in the car, give and take.

[King Rudi]

I didn't bother reading it as it isn't in the Dating thread. Kidding.

After reading everyone's response, I don't feel that I need to go back and read.

My advice to you personally, curb this one....go after the friend.

Normally my advice would be: If there is a shred of making it work, communicate, communicate, communicate.....unless communication is strained. Without reading your post, it's strained. I don't have to read it. I also have a tendency to lean toward compromise....but not here.

Curb the girl, bang the friend. Trust me.

[DocL]

My wife hates the car I drive and hates the way I drive. Too fucking bad. The more she complains in the car, the later and harder I brake, and the faster I take turns. When she really gets going I turn off traction control. She even got so scared once that she believed my NSX was going to flip over. The next turn settled that fear pretty quickly. When we get home, I ask if she got hurt. Her answer was "no".

I also made a rule that she she can't blurt out "watch out" when there is a car 1/4mi up the road turning across. Dickhead, I already saw that five seconds before you did. Women can become so irrational when they are passengers in a car.

[TheWatchGuy]

my wife will sometimes bitch about my driving like when im speeding or sliding the back end out around corners or other normal things like that, but i tell her to either shut it or she can drive and that ends the convo fairly quick since she hates driving. she also really curtailed on her critiquing of my driving after i took her on a spirited canyon drive. I think it just scared her shitless so now she thinks "well i guess this isnt as bad as this" now.

also, eventually she will get used to it and it wont bother her too much.

[haagm58]

The initial stage of love leaves us to believe everything is and should be perfect, we should agree on everything and all will be smooth.

This is simply not true. No matter how long two people are together, no matter how much they love and care for each other, there will be disagreements and topics you don't see eye to eye on.

That is healthy, that is normal.

It's important to understand what those topics are, that it's OK to have different perspectives, and to validate and respect each other's feelings.

Now if the cons outweigh the pros, it's not a relationship worth staying in.

Regarding braking too late, accelerating too quickly, following to closely, she does realize what car she's riding in, right?

Good luck, stay strong, drive and love safely.

[KRS_SN]

control!
probably has esteem issues herself.
She's looking for submission or conflict but you deliver avoidance and
Run!

[dreamingat30fps]

She has three options, drive, sit down and shut up or GTFO!