Joke of the year competition.

[cityjohn]

Matt and his buddy Jeff were strolling along the beach during spring break. Suddenly a seagull flying overhead dropped a load.

It hit Matt right in the eye.

“I’ll go get some toilet paper,” offered Jeff.

“Don’t bother,” said Matt, “He’s probably already miles away by now!”

[cityjohn]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

[cityjohn]

I was at an ATM and an elderly woman asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her.

[///M Power-Belgium]

Man in front of the receptionist to check in the hotel...
The man sees a nice dog running around in front of the reception .
So the man asked the receptionist...Bites your dog ?
And the receptionist said my dog never bite someone .
The man walked to the dog and carresed the dog , but the dog bite the man in his hand !
After this...said the man to the receptionist ,hey you said your dog never bites ?
The receptionist => This is not my dog .

[whip_lash]

Originally Posted by ///M Power-Belgium

Man in front of the receptionist to check in the hotel...
The man sees a nice dog running around in front of the reception .
So the man asked the receptionist...Bites your dog ?
And the receptionist said my dog never bite someone .
The man walked to the dog and carresed the dog , but the dog bite the man in his hand !
After this...said the man to the receptionist ,hey you said your dog never bites ?
The receptionist => This is not my dog .

This is from the pink panther movies with Peter Sellers!

[///M Power-Belgium]

Originally Posted by whip_lash

This is from the pink panther movies with Peter Sellers!

Indeed .

[cityjohn]

It just has more charm the way you say it.

[angel1368]

are offensive jokes banned?

[angel1368]

Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important...
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

[angel1368]

785.2

I went on a date this evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

[Haywood]

A man and woman go to a nude beach. After seeing other couples having sex, they decide to do the same. As the man gets ready to enter the woman, a bee flies into her pussy. The woman begins screaming in pain.

They rush her to the hospital and the woman is now writhing from the bee stings.

The man says, "Doctor, you need to do something to make her stop screaming."

He says, "Ok, I have an idea. We are going to put some honey on your dick and then you put into her pussy. Once you feel the bee on your cock, pull it out!"

The man says, "I dunno doc, it seems crazy, but I'll do anything to help".

The man does what the doctor says and begins shoving his dick in and out. But, the woman is still screaming and the bee is not going to the honey.

After the doctor sees this, he pushes the man out of the way, pulls his pants down and puts his now hard cock in the woman.

The man says, "Doctor, what the hell are you doing??!

He says, "I've got a new plan, I'm going to drown the son of a bitch!!!"

[Fundguy1]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?



Full

[Fundguy1]

If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were both drowning, and you only had time to save one, what kind of sandwich would you make?

[Fundguy1]

Guy walks in a bar and sees a gorilla. He asks the bartender, "what's with the gorilla?" Bartender says watch this, grabs a baseball bat and wham hits the gorilla over the head. The gorilla bends over and starts sucklng the bartenders dick.

The bartender says,"pretty cool huh?

Guy says ,"yeah!"

Bartender says,"wanna try?"

Guy says,"sure. Just don't hit me so hard with the bat!"

[Fundguy1]

Guy finds a lamp on the beach. He rubs it and out pops a Jeanie. The Jeanie says I'll grant you 3 wishes. But I have to warn you. Your worst enemy gets double what you get. And your worst enemy is your ex wife.

Guy thinks for a minute and says I want a billion dollars. Jeanie says you know your ex gets 2 billion. Guy says yeah, but I want a billion dollars. Poof. The guy has a billion. Dollars.

Next the guy says I want 1,000 hot women all for me. Jeanie says you know your ex gets 2,000 hot guys. Guy says yeah I know, poof, he's surrounded but hot women all asking to make love to him.

Finally Jeanie says what's your last wish. Guy thinks and thinks. Finally he says, jeanie, I want you to beat me half to death.

[Haywood]

Originally Posted by Fundguy1

Guy finds a lamp on the beach. He rubs it and out pops a Jeanie. The Jeanie says I'll grant you 3 wishes. But I have to warn you. Your worst enemy gets double what you get. And your worst enemy is your ex wife.

Guy thinks for a minute and says I want a billion dollars. Jeanie says you know your ex gets 2 billion. Guy says yeah, but I want a billion dollars. Poof. The guy has a billion. Dollars.

Next the guy says I want 1,000 hot women all for me. Jeanie says you know your ex gets 2,000 hot guys. Guy says yeah I know, poof, he's surrounded but hot women all asking to make love to him.

Finally Jeanie says what's your last wish. Guy thinks and thinks. Finally he says, jeanie, I want you to beat me half to death.

Great jokes man!

[///M Power-Belgium]

The day was come for a psychiatrist to test the patients of the madhouse...

So he called the patients together for the ultimate test .
He said who can jump through the keyhole of the door ...can leave the clinic !
Of course all the patients were jumping with their heads against the door .
Except one patient was not jumping against the door...
So the psychiatrist asked the last patient...Why don't you try ?
The patient said to the psychiatrist ...It's not possible because the key is in the keyhole on the back side of the door .

[MrPrena]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

[1MOREMOD]

Nice

[Patrick303]

Originally Posted by MrPrena

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

A spin on Tarantino's joke from Desperado. Great joke nonetheless!

[E90M3velocity]

There is a new drug to treat lesbians for depression. Its called trycoxagain.

[dtwyim]

Not exactly a joke, but funny nonetheless.