The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[aguywalksintoabar]

My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.

[M5Rick]

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break.
It can only become stairs.

[aguywalksintoabar]

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[aguywalksintoabar]

..

[aguywalksintoabar]

…

[M5Rick]

When do cows go to sleep?
When it's pasture bedtime.

[M5Rick]

A man is on trial for armed robbery and the jury comes back with the verdict. the foreman stands and after clearing his throat announces ''Not guilty.''
The defendant jumps to his feet and gleefully says ''Great,does that mean I get to keep the money?

[spazzyfry123]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break.
It can only become stairs.

Sorry for the convenience!

[Dpc2u]

What do you call 10 rabbits marching backward?
A receding hareline.

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
He was having a bad hare day.

Happy Easter! 🐰🐣

[2000cs]

Why did Yugos have rear window defrosters?
To keep your hands warm while you push it!

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by Dpc2u

What do you call 10 rabbits marching backward?
A receding hareline.

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
He was having a bad hare day.

Happy Easter! 🐰🐣

Awesome

[KRS_SN]

Hit my head on a drum.
Think I’ve now got percussion.

My wife asked me where I was taking her for Valentine's.
Apparently, 'from behind' is the wrong answer.

Can't believe it.
Someone has broken into my house and stole all my fruit.
I'm peachless.

[KRS_SN]

A guy I know died last week after taking an indigestion remedy.
I can't believe Gav is gone

[KRS_SN]

Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.
Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time.

[M5Rick]

A Dubliner proposes to his GF on St Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
''You cheapskate, this isn't even real!'' she shouts.
''I know'' he says, ''But in honour of St.Patrick, I thought I'd buy you a sham-rock''.

[aguywalksintoabar]

What did the drummer name his twin daughters when they were born?
Anna one. Anna two.

[aguywalksintoabar]

What kind of dance do cars do at the disco?
The brake dance.

[aguywalksintoabar]

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" "My dog attacked and killed her." "Well, who is in the second coffin?" My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."

[aguywalksintoabar]

Why did the iPad go to the dentist?
Because it had bluetooth.

[M5Rick]

I said to my uncle that for my 50th birthday I was going to do a parachute jump out of a plane for £350.
He was incredulous that I'm paying that much to jump out of a perfectly good plane and asked how much it was to stay in the plane.

[KRS_SN]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a double whiskey.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl who is an amateur boxer.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[jhonmartin692]

Teacher: What is your date of birth?
suleman: October 13th
Teacher: Which year?
Suleman: It is every year!