The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.

What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.

What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?

[3.0L]

Day 12 of no chocolate:

Lost hearing in my left eye.

[Llarry]

I really regret removing my pants at the gender reveal party -- I totally misunderstood the whole point of the party.

[Buug959]

Originally Posted by Llarry

I really regret removing my pants at the gender reveal party -- I totally misunderstood the whole point of the party.

Thank you for NOT posting pics.

[Llarry]

I wanted to get a chain saw, but the horror stories of injuries, etc., sort of put me off, so I decided to make a safer version myself.

I haven't tried it out yet, but I've got some large tree limbs I'm itching to attack with my invention.

[Markr]

I would like to see your bandsaw and tablesaw - I have a feeling they might be quite interesting!

[Buug959]

Originally Posted by Markr

I would like to see your bandsaw and tablesaw - I have a feeling they might be quite interesting!

Also his jigsaw.

[3.0L]

A fellow invites a friend over for an afternoon of watching football and
drinking beer. After they had polished off a couple of 6-packs, the host’s
Doberman wandered into the room, sat at their feet and proceded to lick
his balls.

Guest: “I wish I could do that.”

Host: “Well, if you ask him real nice, he might let you.”

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by Llarry

I wanted to get a chain saw, but the horror stories of injuries, etc., sort of put me off, so I decided to make a safer version myself.

I haven't tried it out yet, but I've got some large tree limbs I'm itching to attack with my invention.

This reminds me of another old favorite of mine:

A city guy buys a cabin in the deep woods. He needs to clear a large section of forestry to improve his view, so he heads on over to the local hardware store.

"I need to cut down a LOT of trees" he says to the salesman.
The salesman brings him over to a section and puts his best chainsaw on the table. "With this top of the line saw, you will be able to cut down 50 trees a day!"

"Great" said the city guy, "I'll take it"

A week later, the city guy returns to the hardware store, looking beat to shit and all disheveled. He finds the salesman and says "The first day, I managed to cut down 10 trees with this thing. The next day, only 7. Then on the following day, I was only able to cut down 2...."

The salesman says "Well there must be something wrong with it - let's have a look. He fires up the chainsaw whereupon the city guy jumps back and says "What's that noise?!!?!"

[Buug959]

PM

[Buug959]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[M5Rick]

Cop knocked on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye.
I told him to use both as he will find him a lot quicker.

[Buug959]

I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon.

[M5Rick]

What do you get if you cross a Chrysler and a Fiat?
A big car that doesn't start.

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

What do you get if you cross a Chrysler and a Fiat?
A big car that doesn't start.

Reminds me of the joke going around Detroit when Chrysler merged with Daimler: How do you pronounce Daimler-Chrysler? The Chrysler is silent.

[Buug959]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

“Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry… We can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he says. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me!”

The applicant reaches into his pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.



“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”

“Well, then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking and asked for aspirin?”

[Buug959]

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked: “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said; “You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?” The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked: “Please, lady, may I sit there? I’m very tired.” The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up; “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand; you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

[Buug959]

Two men are sitting in a bar drinking. The first man notices two old men across the bar. He points at them and says to his friend, “That’s us in about ten years.”

His friend looks up, laughs, puts his head back down, and says, “That’s us now, because that’s a mirror.”

[Esteban]

A man gets home from work, yells at his wife "hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!" Wife brings him a beer and goes back doing whatever she was doing. A minute later "hurry up, and bring me a beer before it starts!" She brings him another, which he also chugs. A few minutes later "hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!" She brings beer and finally asks "what are you in such a hurry for?" To which, the man shakes his head and mumbles "Aw hell, it's started."

[Buug959]

BA

[CamasM3e93]

Did you hear about the frog whose new car broke down???


He was toad.

[KRS_SN]

"Does this dress make me look fat?" Asks the wife.

"Does this shirt make me look bald?" The husband asks in return.

"But you are bald!" Says the wife.

The husband replies "My point exactly".

(Husband's obituary to follow)