The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[BMWGUYinCO]

The wife told me: "Sex is so much better on vacation!"


....I was NOT expecting to read that on the postcard she sent me from Greece.

[M5Rick]

Age is just a number.
It's totally irrelevant unless, of course,
you happen to be a bottle of wine.

[Esteban]

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

Centipede.

(Centipede who?)

Centipede on the Christmas tree.

[M5Rick]

There was a man from Bromley
Who hated parkers on his property
He huffed and puffed when I did it for a laugh
And still didn't calm with a jokey
(True story!

[Esteban]

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

[Esteban]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

[M5Rick]

What do you do when you can't sleep and telling lousy jokes?
Ah! Have a bottle of wine

[Esteban]

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brush me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a fecking liar!!”

[M5Rick]

Some learn that getting old is like a roll of restroom paper.
The closer the roll gets to the end, the faster it goes.

[Esteban]

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

[Esteban]

Last one before I turn in.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

Night all.

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Esteban

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

Centipede.

(Centipede who?)

Centipede on the Christmas tree.

What goes 99, clomp.

You guessed it, a centipede with a wooden leg.

[Esteban]

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

[M5Rick]

What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A car-pet.

[Buug959]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath..

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

[Buug959]

What do you call children born in a whore house?

Brothel sprouts.

[Buug959]

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer have in common?

Someone didn't pull it out in time.

[BMWGUYinCO]

I before E except after C disproved by science!

[KRS_SN]

Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: “we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.”

The Englishman says: “I'd like to hear God Save The Queen just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With folk Dancers Dancing to the tune.

The Irishman says: “I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”

The Welshman says: “I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.”

The Scotsman says: “I'd like to be shot first.”

[BMWGUYinCO]

Santa has been reading your posts all year....

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

[Esteban]

Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

[M5Rick]

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
''Olive or Twist'