The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

[BMWGUYinCO]

My doctor prescribed some anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in!

[KRS_SN]

A horse (or any other long nosed mammal) walks (with apologies to wheelchair users and other disabled individuals) into a bar (apologies to recovering alcoholics - it could be a juice bar) and says (with apologies to deaf people of those with impaired hearing) to the barman (barwoman, trans-barperson or non-binary barworker), please may I have a pint (or 568.261ml) of beer (or any other alcoholic, non-alcoholic or vegan drink).

The barman (barwoman, trans-barperson or non-binary bar-worker) looks (with apologies to blind or visually impaired individuals) at the horse (or any other long nosed mammal) and says(with apologies to deaf people of those with impaired hearing), “why the long face? (with apologies to any person with any form of body dysmorphia or body image issues).

[KRS_SN]

Why did the motorbike keep falling over?

Be cause it was two tyred

[snowbimmer]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

A horse (or any other long nosed mammal) walks (with apologies to wheelchair users and other disabled individuals) into a bar (apologies to recovering alcoholics - it could be a juice bar) and says (with apologies to deaf people of those with impaired hearing) to the barman (barwoman, trans-barperson or non-binary barworker), please may I have a pint (or 568.261ml) of beer (or any other alcoholic, non-alcoholic or vegan drink).

The barman (barwoman, trans-barperson or non-binary bar-worker) looks (with apologies to blind or visually impaired individuals) at the horse (or any other long nosed mammal) and says(with apologies to deaf people of those with impaired hearing), “why the long face? (with apologies to any person with any form of body dysmorphia or body image issues).

Fuck me. That was a long way to go for that. But, you nailed it, cuz that's where we're at.🤣🤣

[Esteban]

This guy had just bought a BMW M5 and decided to take it out and open it up. He was cruising along Dutch roads just admiring the beautiful scenery.

He decided to see how it ran at speed, so he took it up to 110kph. It felt great. Then up to 145kph. Then he saw the flashing lights in his rearview mirror. He decided to try to outrun the cop.

After a few minutes over 240kph he decided that this wasn't the smartest thing he ever did and pulled over. The cop came up, took his license without a word, looked it over. Then he said, "it's Friday, it's late. If you can give me an excuse for your behavior that I've never heard before, I'll let you off."

The guy thought a few seconds and said, "last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by snowbimmer

Fuck me. That was a long way to go for that. But, you nailed it, cuz that's where we're at.🤣🤣

I agree (with apologies to anyone who has been injured by a nail or identifies as one)

[BMWGUYinCO]

Two fer Tuesday:

I just read in the news that NASA is readying a new mission to tell aliens we're sorry for all the space junk.

It's called Apollo-G


Teaching children about fungus is one way to mold young minds.

[M5Rick]

While my partner was in the kitchen doing breakfast I heard a loud thud.
Running in I found a dead body on the floor.
I was in a panic and had no idea what to do then I remembered McDonald's do an all day breakfast.

[Esteban]

Q: Why do blonde's like BMWs?

A: Because they can spell it.

[M5Rick]

Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with the Chinese cooking..

So she'd never wok alone.

[Buug959]

One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
'Well then you can come to my house then and I'll feed you," the rich man said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said," But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me."
"Bring them as well," the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as big as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied,"Glad to do it. You'll really lovely my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[KRS_SN]

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss".

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you
to fill it up with fish" God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"Well...." says God, "I just thought it would be nice to have a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

[Esteban]

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

[Watching The World Burn]

Found on Facebook, not sure as to author.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:
Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???

-Author Unknown

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by Watching The World Burn

Found on Facebook, not sure as to author.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:

Oh man, this hits close to home for me. We live in CO and the winters aren't too bad but the wifey wants to move somewhere COLDER and where it snows a LOT MORE. Can't understand that, but she swears she's moving us to Alaska at some point.

I told her she can go - I'll FaceTime her often.

[Llarry]

Conventional wisdom: Listen to your body.

My body: I'm old and fat and want tacos.

[Esteban]

How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

[Buug959]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them:

“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure.” They said. “You’re welcome.”

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Partway around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer.

“What do you do for a living?”

He replied, “I’m a hitman.”

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” reaching into his golf bag.

Pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

“Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight.” Said the other friend.

“Can I take a look? Think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her. He’s naked as well! The b!tch!”

He turned to the hitman.

“How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s a Friend of mine, so just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” Said the friend impatiently.

“Just wait a moment. Be patient.” Said the hit man calmly.

“I think I can save you a thousand dollars here!”

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by Buug959

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them:

“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure.” They said. “You’re welcome.”

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Partway around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer.

“What do you do for a living?”

He replied, “I’m a hitman.”

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” reaching into his golf bag.

Pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

“Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight.” Said the other friend.

“Can I take a look? Think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her. He’s naked as well! The b!tch!”

He turned to the hitman.

“How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s a Friend of mine, so just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” [...]

[Esteban]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

[M5Rick]

You know what the young chicken said to the old?
You're no spring chicken !