The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

What did one traffic light say to the other?

Look away, I’m changing.

[BMWGUYinCO]

If staying home in bed were a competition, I'd take home atrophy!

[M5Rick]

What does Kylie sing while counting sheep?
I can't get ewe out of my head.

[M5Rick]

Why did the Tesla lose the race?
Because it was shocked to find out that the finish
line wasn't a charging station.

[Buug959]

An elderly couple is in church. The wife leans in and says to her husband, " I've let out one of those silent farts, what should I do?"
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

[Buug959]

I dig,
You dig,
He digs,
She digs,
We dig,
They dig.

It's not a long poem but it's deep.

[BMWGUYinCO]

I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine.

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO

I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine.

[KRS_SN]

A guy walked into a barbershop and sat in the chair. The barber asked, "Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?"

The guy replied, "Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy."

The barber said, "Why you going there? It's rubbish!"

"Well, the weather is supposed to be nice," answered the guy.

The barber replied, "Well, when me and my wife went to Italy a few years ago it pissed down I rain every day we were there."

The guy said, "Well, I hear the food is nice."

The barber laughed. "When me and the wife went the stuff they gave us was almost inedible."

The guy said, "Um, well, we'd really like to see the Roman architecture."

"You'll be lucky," said the barber. "They're doing the place up. Tarpaulin and scaffolding everywhere. Can't see a thing!"

Frustrated, the guy turned to him and said, "Okay mate, I'll square it with you. The wife and I, we're Catholic. And we'd really like to go to the Vatican and see the Pope."

The barber quickly answered. "Well, me and the wife are also Catholic. And we wanted to see the Pope too. But when we went to St Peter's Square, we were crammed in I with a million other Catholics and when he was on the balcony, all you could see was the tip of his hat... Honestly. Don't go to Italy."

A month passed and the guy returned to the barbershop and sat in the same chair. The barber said, "Oh yeah, weren't you the guy who was going to Italy?"

“Yes, I am," replied the guy. "And I have some issues to raise with you. Firstly, the sun was splitting the trees every day, the weather was amazing. Secondly, the food... pizza, pasta... it was incredible. Third... You said we wouldn't be able to see the Roman architecture. In fact, we could touch it. It was astounding to be so close to ancient history."

"Ah," said the barber, "but did you see the Pope?"

"Well yes," said the guy. "We did go to St. Peter's Square and we were crammed in there with a million other Catholics, and when the Pope came out all we could see was the tip of his hat. We were disappointed. But then his hands came out over the balcony and pointed to our section of the crowd, and everyone began murmuring and I was like, 'What's going on?!' Then the Pope came out into the square flanked by his Swiss Guard and he began his making way into the crowd, which parted before him like the Red Sea. The crowd began to grow excited and I could see he was coming in our direction. Then suddenly the folks in front of us moved and there was the Pope, the Bishop of Rome, standing before us, looking at ME!

Then the Holy Father himself reached out, gently took my hand and gazing at me intently he asked, 'Who the FCUK cut your hair?'"

[BMWGUYinCO]

This one is for vreihen16

When the IT guy disappears...

He most likely ransomware.

[M5Rick]

My grandad was a WW2 veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 nazi aviators.
He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

[garyfried]

Where do cow farts come from?

dairy air

[KRS_SN]

I checked into a hotel last week

I asked the receptionist ‘can the adult channel be disabled?’




‘No’ she replied ‘we only have normal porn you sick bastard’

[M5Rick]

Police had to moove a runaway cow that was blocking traffic on a country road.

[Llarry]

Did you hear that the inventor of autocorrect has died? The funnel will be tomato.

[WallySlash]

Muted the GPS in my car when my wife rides with me.

Couldn’t have two women in the car telling me where to go.

[Pauly Wauly]

A local bar was so sure that it`s bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of One thousand dollars the bartender would squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, weightlifters, lumberjacks, men in the army, etc. but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice. "I`d like to try the bet please".
After the laughter had died down the bartender said, okay.
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Rhine to the little man.
The crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon an 6 drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the One thousand dollars and asked the little man. What do you do for a living, are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?
The man replied: I work for the IRS

[Pauly Wauly]

[BMWGUYinCO]

I cook with petroleum byproducts.

I have a refined taste.

[M5Rick]

Why do golfers carry a spare pair of trousers with them?
In case they get a hole in one.

[Buug959]

What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut?

A barberque.

[Buug959]

I hired a handyman and gave him a list of jobs to do. When I got home only jobs 1,3 and 5 got done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.