The joke thread, pics are not necessary

Kowalski2011 · 07-07-2023, 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

What music do builders love listening to?
The Carpenters.

And occasionally some 'Nine Inch Nails'

Kowalski2011 · 07-07-2023, 06:57 AM

Jacob was a good farmer, in fact he was outstanding in his field!

BMWGUYinCO · 07-13-2023, 10:18 AM

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hike
Hike Who?
Unsuspecting friend
Me, waiting with baited breath
Sets the perfect trap.

Esteban · 07-13-2023, 12:03 PM

Question: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Answer: A cuntstubble.

billnchristy · 07-14-2023, 08:44 AM

It burns.....

98Blur · 07-14-2023, 02:37 PM

When did they have the first motorcycle race?

When they made the 2nd motorcycle.

Llarry · 07-16-2023, 02:55 AM

A man asked his wife of many years "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She responded "I'd take my half and leave you."

He replied "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6; be sure to keep in touch."

M5Rick · 07-16-2023, 11:21 AM

I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman with her hazard lights on.
I thought myself, ''At least she's honest''.

M5Rick · 07-17-2023, 02:33 PM

Why did the librarian keep buying books?

She had no shelf-control.

3.0L · 07-21-2023, 08:27 PM

.

M5Rick · 07-25-2023, 05:14 AM

What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shining armour.

BMWGUYinCO · 07-25-2023, 02:58 PM

My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

3.0L · 07-27-2023, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO

My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

True story:

We bought our kids string cheese during their schools years. We had a Lab. Before I mowed the lawns on Saturday, I always cleared the land-mines before mowing. One day, I found a Lab deuce, complete with a string cheese wrapper imbedded along the side of the turd, complete with barcode. I about laughed my ass off.

BMWGUYinCO · 07-31-2023, 02:46 PM

I do all mathematical addition in my head.

It's the thought that counts.

M5Rick · 08-03-2023, 06:18 AM

A lorry has overturned on the M25 orbital motorway containing Vicks vapour rub.
Cops have said there will be no congestion for six hours.

BMWGUYinCO · 08-08-2023, 04:23 PM

I just saw a guy collapse on the airport luggage carousel!

I believe he is fine as he's slowly coming around.

M5Rick · 08-11-2023, 12:02 PM

Cops pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder on the motorway today.
Apparently its not the place to play a keyboard.

Buug959 · 08-11-2023, 06:05 PM

Q: Why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?

A: It was on a roll.

Buug959 · 08-12-2023, 05:20 PM

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.

M5Rick · 08-14-2023, 12:03 PM

A van carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the motorway.
Queues on both sides.

RobotDoctor · 08-14-2023, 12:46 PM

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your wife back, you get your job back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back .....

vreihen16 · 08-14-2023, 01:43 PM

Q: What's the difference between a tornado and an Arkansas divorce?

A: Absolutely nothing. In both cases, someone is going to lose a trailer!

07-07-2023, 06:57 AM	#1102
Kowalski2011 Private 1216 Rep 98 Posts Drives: M3/Z3/M5/X5/135i/PCS/SQ5 Join Date: Jun 2021 Location: Midwest iTrader: (0) Garage List 1991 BMW M5 [9.38] 2011 BMW 135i [7.00] 2001 BMW Z3 3.0i [9.00] 2011 BMW M3 [0.00]	Jacob was a good farmer, in fact he was outstanding in his field!
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07-13-2023, 10:18 AM	#1103
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4297 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Knock Knock Who's there? Hike Hike Who? Unsuspecting friend Me, waiting with baited breath Sets the perfect trap.
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07-13-2023, 12:03 PM	#1104
Esteban Major General 50985 Rep 7,235 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Question: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes? Answer: A cuntstubble.
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07-14-2023, 08:44 AM	#1105
billnchristy Major 1663 Rep 1,494 Posts Drives: 2022 M440xi GC Join Date: Feb 2019 Location: Atlanta iTrader: (0) Garage List 1966 Ford Mustang [2.75] 2022 BMW M440ix GC [8.33] 2022 Ford Bronco [10.00]	It burns.....
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07-14-2023, 02:37 PM	#1106
98Blur Registered 8 Rep 2 Posts Drives: BMW E39 Join Date: Jul 2023 Location: Midwest iTrader: (0)	When did they have the first motorcycle race? When they made the 2nd motorcycle.
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07-16-2023, 02:55 AM	#1107
Llarry ///M driver 20251 Rep 665 Posts Drives: 2022 M3 6-speed Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oregon iTrader: (0) Garage List 2022 BMW M3 [9.33] 2021 Porsche Macan GTS [6.25]	A man asked his wife of many years "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She responded "I'd take my half and leave you." He replied "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6; be sure to keep in touch." __________________ '22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimao Blue/Tartufo
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07-16-2023, 11:21 AM	#1108
M5Rick General 66289 Rep 21,444 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman with her hazard lights on. I thought myself, ''At least she's honest''.
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07-17-2023, 02:33 PM	#1109
M5Rick General 66289 Rep 21,444 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	Why did the librarian keep buying books? She had no shelf-control.
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07-21-2023, 08:27 PM	#1110
3.0L Colonel 9703 Rep 2,010 Posts Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	. Attached Images __________________ 2014 BMW M235i 2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300 Expert ultracrepidarian
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07-25-2023, 05:14 AM	#1111
M5Rick General 66289 Rep 21,444 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armour.
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07-25-2023, 02:58 PM	#1112
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4297 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet. No word yet.
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07-31-2023, 02:46 PM	#1114
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4297 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I do all mathematical addition in my head. It's the thought that counts.
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08-03-2023, 06:18 AM	#1115
M5Rick General 66289 Rep 21,444 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	A lorry has overturned on the M25 orbital motorway containing Vicks vapour rub. Cops have said there will be no congestion for six hours.
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08-08-2023, 04:23 PM	#1116
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4297 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I just saw a guy collapse on the airport luggage carousel! I believe he is fine as he's slowly coming around.
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08-11-2023, 12:02 PM	#1117
M5Rick General 66289 Rep 21,444 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	Cops pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder on the motorway today. Apparently its not the place to play a keyboard.
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08-11-2023, 06:05 PM	#1118
Buug959 Captain 21300 Rep 890 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	Q: Why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? A: It was on a roll. __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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08-12-2023, 05:20 PM	#1119
Buug959 Captain 21300 Rep 890 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers. To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers. __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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08-14-2023, 12:03 PM	#1120
M5Rick General 66289 Rep 21,444 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	A van carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the motorway. Queues on both sides.
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08-14-2023, 12:46 PM	#1121
RobotDoctor Professional Nomad 682 Rep 131 Posts Drives: 2019 440i F36 Sportline Join Date: Mar 2023 Location: Florida's first coast iTrader: (0)	What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get your wife back, you get your job back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back .....
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08-14-2023, 01:43 PM	#1122
vreihen16 Recovering Perfectionist 19087 Rep 982 Posts Drives: 2015 BMW i3 BEV Join Date: Jun 2019 Location: Orange County, NY iTrader: (0) Garage List 2014 Mighty Freight ... [0.00] 2000 Audi TT Quattro [0.00] 1967 Formula Vee [0.00]	Q: What's the difference between a tornado and an Arkansas divorce? A: Absolutely nothing. In both cases, someone is going to lose a trailer! __________________ Currently BMW-less.
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