The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

[M5Rick]

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

[M5Rick]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

[///MFrankie]

There are three types of people in this world.

Those who are good with numbers and those who aren't.

[Buug959]

I saw a TV for sale with a broken volume button. How could I turn it down?

[Buug959]

I just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 16th time this week.

[Esteban]

Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?

To cover their butt-quacks.

[Esteban]

How does Darth Vader like his toast cooked?

On the dark side.

[asianF22]

my new switch...

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by asianF22

my new switch...

I stopped playing video games years ago but I’m kind of tempted by the Switch. Nintendo has always had it’s charm to me.

[asianF22]

Originally Posted by Esteban

I stopped playing video games years ago but I’m kind of tempted by the Switch. Nintendo has always had it’s charm to me.

I play from time to time, i bought the OLED Switch last year which was my first time playing with one. My niece and nephew have one so i'm able to play with them online.

[Esteban]

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding" he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me" he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks" he said. "Works every time."

[M5Rick]

What do you call when you're sick of being in the airport?

Terminal illness.

[BMWGUYinCO]

I think my wife is putting glue on all my firearms.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

[BMWGUYinCO]

My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a "Get Well" soon card.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Headline: "Man in boxers leads police on brief chase"

[BMWGUYinCO]

I went to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn't work.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing....

[M5Rick]

I prodded my horse to get galloping and he said neigh.

[Esteban]

I invented the alcohol diet.

Lost three days already.

[3.0L]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . . Alive!



So the Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"



Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

[M5Rick]

What music do builders love listening to?
The Carpenters.