The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[BMWGUYinCO]

I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it's authentic, because there's a bit of veneer missing.

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by dradernh

There was a term for that when I was growing up here in the States in the '50s and '60s. It was called 'goofing-off'. The term was longhand for 'lazy'.

I suspect it came out of the military, but I'm not sure about that.

When I was in the Army in the late '60's, we called it "skating" or "F-ing off."

[3.0L]

Cannibal #1: "I don't like clowns."

Cannibal #2: "Me neither. They taste funny."

[KRS_SN]

An Englishman, Welshman and a Scotsman were all stranded on an island and somehow manage to find a dead deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said “We’ll sort it out by which football teams we support”. The others agreed. The Welshman said “I support Liverpool so I’ll have the Liver”. Then the Scotsman said “I support Hearts so I’ll have the heart”.
The Englishman said “I support Arsenal but I’m not that hungry!”

[M5Rick]

I think they picked me for my motivational skills.
Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.

[Esteban]

💰

[M5Rick]

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

[3.0L]

"There never was and there never will be a constipated fly."

[Esteban]

Q: What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common.

A: They both come off with alcohol.

[Buug959]

Q: If Mr. Spock has pointed ears what does Mr. Scott have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Engineers.

[M5Rick]

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

[Llarry]

I got kicked out of my community theatre group.

The director told me "Let's see you limp."

How was I supposed to know she meant walking?

[BMWGUYinCO]

I'm still angry that my high school class voted me "Most likely to hold a grudge".

[R BMW]

Some old ones:

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the
house.

What did the duck say when it bought
lip gloss?
Put it on my bill

Whatís the most terrifying word in nuclear
physics?
Oops

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over
by a steamroller?
Curses! Foil again!

A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How
much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the
salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t
sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the
salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t
sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head.
How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that's not a TV, it's a microwave".

[M5Rick]

I like work, it fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

[2000cs]

What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wendy’s

[M5Rick]

I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop, but he couldn't raise the dough.

[Markr]

How do you tell the clan of a Scotsman? Lift his kilt, if he has a quarter pounder, he is a McDonald.

[KRS_SN]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.’

[Esteban]

^ Haha, funny one, KRS_SN. Coincidence, my younger sister's name is Shawn.

[PcarFan]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.’

I thought he was going to say that she had a baby

[tranquility]

The video is entertaining enough, but the comments
https://youtube.com/shorts/uWqABgdASa4?feature=share