The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[KRS_SN]

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock joke?

He won a no bell prize.

[M5Rick]

What do you call a boy named John who has a lot of money?

Johnny Cash. .

[M5Rick]

A teen said to his mom that life would be better without her.

So she didn't cook for him or drive him anywhere to show what life would actually be like without her.

[KRS_SN]

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously,
"What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies,
"I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies,
"What are you gonna do -- fuck him?"

[SpeedBuggy]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously,
"What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies,
"I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies,
"What are you gonna do — fuck him?"

Well it seems little Johnny is sitting at the breakfast table eating when his father walks in and sits down. Little Johnny looks up and asks his dad, Well did you catch that bird last night?

His father responds Bird, what bird are you talking about?

Little Johnny responds back, I was walking past your bedroom last night when I heard you shout out to mom, should I catch it in the sheets or let it fly?

[Lady Jane]

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!



Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!



The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!



Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for; the challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry, and she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.



So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"

[M5Rick]

If they're too long I don't read 'em guys lol

[M5Rick]

What do you do with old German cars?

You take them to an old Volk's home.

[Esteban]

Two jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, “We’d like a couple of beers, please.”
The bartender says, “OK, but don’t start anything.”

[KRS_SN]

Light Travels Faster Than Sound. That’s Why Some Folks Appear Bright Until They Speak

[KRS_SN]

An old old gent in a nursing home noticed they'd slipped him a Viagra with his evening meds.

The relatives complained to matron and asked what sort of place they were running here, encouraging carnal activities among the frail elderly residents.

"Oh no," said the matron, "It's not for that. We give it to all our male residents. It stops them rolling out of bed at night."

[KRS_SN]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem: how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, a small elderly lady approached him and informed him she was lost. “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” she inquired.

“Well, in reality, my property is fairly near that house,” the farmer explained. “I’d walk you there, but I can’t carry everything.”

“Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, a chicken under each arm, and a gosling in the other hand?” advised the elderly lady.

“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home after following her advice.

On the way, he said, “Let’s take a shortcut and go down this alley.” “We’ll be there in no time.”

The small elderly lady examined him carefully before saying, “I am a lonely widow with no spouse to protect me… “How do I know you won’t pin me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me when we go into the alley?”

“Holy smokes, lady!” said the farmer, stunned. I have a bucket, a gallon of paint, two hens, and a goose with me. “How could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

[M5Rick]

A person walks into an auto shop and says ''I'd like a gas cap for my KIA''

The mechanic thinks about it for a moment and replies ''Ok, that seems like a fair trade''.

[M5Rick]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

[M5Rick]

While driving home, I saw my mechanic on the side of the road crying.
I don't know what happened but it was clear he had a breakdown.

[Esteban]

Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”
Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said "yes, no, yes, no, yes.."

For sure she's no dumb blonde

[KRS_SN]

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot a duck off a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.
" The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Esteban]

A man walks into a bar, looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.

The bartenders asks," you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," my wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."

The bartender asks," well isn' t that a good thing?" The man replies," sadly, tonight's the last night."

[Esteban]

So two condoms walk into a bar...
... They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "dude, we are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

[HFW003]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees an old farmer sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the old farmer
“G’ day, mind if I talk to your dog?”
Old Farmer: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog (via ventriloquist): “Doin’ all right.”
Old Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Old Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Old Farmer: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Old Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Old Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
After a long pause-
Old Farmer: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a f*ckin’ liar.”[/FONT]

[M5Rick]

What do you call a night watchman with deep-set self esteem issues?
An insecurity guard.