The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

Someone asked me to name two things that hold water.

I was like well damn.

[HFW003]

Two old blokes, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well I eat rye bread every day.
“It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies”.
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some”?
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me”.

[Esteban]

Mrs. Jones is suffering from a rare heart condition. She goes to see the doctor and he prescribes male hormones - testosterone, 2 pills a day. She takes them and 2 months later goes back to the doctor and says "doctor, that hormone medicine is doing wonders for my heart, the only problem is that I'm growing hair in places I've never had hair before." The doctor says "don't worry about it Mrs. Jones, the hair is to be expected. Where exactly is this hair growing" he asks.
She says "on my balls doctor... on my balls."

Heard this joke in the movie "Solace," told by Anthony Hopkins.

[Addbuyer]

L

[snowbimmer]

Oldie........

A chemical engineer, a electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a Microsoft engineer are driving down the freeway. The car sputters and suddenly comes to a halt. They all look at each other. Well, one of them says, any ideas?

The chemical engineer says, "It's the gas, for sure. Must have gotten contaminated. I'll drain the fuel system while one of you hoofs it back to that gas station we passed awhile ago.

The electrical engineer says, "No, no, no. By the way it stopped, we must have lost spark. We're obviously going to need a new battery.

The mechanical engineer says. "Wow. You guys are both wrong. Didn't you feel anything? We have a broken crankshaft.

Then they all turned to the Microsoft engineer and said, "Well, what do you think?"

She said, "I've listened intently to all your theories. You all make valid points. But, before we try those, why don't we all just get out of the car, walk around it and get back in."

It fired right up.

[Lady Jane]

3 DOGS AT THE VET'S.

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting
room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the
yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I
piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the
kids.

But the final straw was last night, when
I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet
going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply
from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the
Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig
under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of
it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets,
but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners'
couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?"
the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the
dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the
Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.

"I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, fence posts, I want to hump everything I
see.

Yesterday my owner had just got out of
the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged
a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said,

"No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !"

[3.0L]

Is a moron than off?

[KRS_SN]

Albert Einstein had to speak at a Christmas science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that he looks a bit like
him: The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of your speeches, and even though I don’t know anything
about science, I can remember enough to give the speech in your place.” “That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch
places then!” So they switch clothes and the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while
the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sits in the audience. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress
and asks Einstein a very difficult question, hoping he won’t be able to respond. The driver looks at him and says “Sir, your
question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it.

[KRS_SN]

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

[KRS_SN]

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.

Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

[Esteban]

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

The elephant has a trunk up front and an a**hole in the back.

[KRS_SN]

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

OK this made me LOL for real. #Truth

[Dino GT]

My wife almost fell down the stairs and now we are in a heated debate as to whether my gasp was out of fear for her safety or excitement about a possible life insurance payout.

[KRS_SN]

A little old lady went to buy cat food.

She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, “I’m sorry, but we can’t sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat.”

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . .

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn’t buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, “That smells like crap.” . . .

The lady replied, “It is. I want to buy eight rolls of toilet paper.”

[BMWGUYinCO]

The former CEO of IKEA has now been elected as the new President of Sweden.

His first job is to assemble his cabinet.

(Showing myself out...)

[M5Rick]

My FTX account was hacked!

I'm missing all $0.54 worth of crypto.

[3.0L]

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

He won't give them a ticking off for that.

[3.0L]

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

[M5Rick]

I used to have an account with a bank at the North Pole.

They froze all my assets.

[KRS_SN]

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock joke?

He won a no bell prize.