The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[KRS_SN]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "Har, we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Har," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"Seagull poo fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Har", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[CarsAndGuitars]

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention dressed as a doctor.

The security guard suspected that I wasn't the Real McCoy.

[CarsAndGuitars]

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

[CarsAndGuitars]

Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.

[Kowalski2011]

Gal in a tube top walks up to the end of the bar and waives to the bartender to order a drink. It's obvious she doesn't shave.

Drunk at the bar says 'Hey bartender, get this ballerina a drink!'

Bartender says ' How do you know she's a ballerina?'

Drunk says ' Anyone that can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[BMWGUYinCO]

I've misplaced my First Aid Kit.....I think it's a lost gauze.

[KRS_SN]

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "...

[CarsAndGuitars]

Why is the objective of golf to play the least amount of golf?

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by CarsAndGuitars

Why is the objective of golf to play the least amount of golf?

19th hole

(I don't even do little white ball, and Iknow)

[CarsAndGuitars]

My 911 got stuck in the mud. I know what you’re thinking: Porsche muck.

[vreihen16]

A 70 year old man goes to confession and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had sex with two beautiful, 20 year old women who are not my wife".

The Priest says "I see. How long has it been since your last confession?"

The man says "I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish".

"You're Jewish?" the priest asks, puzzled. "Why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

[vreihen16]

A woman walked into a bar in Texas and spotted a man wearing cowboy boots propped up on a table as leaned back drinking his beer. He had the biggest feet she had ever seen so she asked him "Is it true what they say about men with big feet."

The cowboy grinned and said "You'll have to come back to the bunkhouse with me to find out."

The lady agreed.

After an hour or so dallying with him she got up, got dressed and reached in her purse and pulled out two $100 bills and tossed them on the table.

The man said "I'm honored but I'm not a gigolo and that's not necessary."

The woman replied "Yes it is. Go buy yourself a pair of boots that fit."

[3.0L]

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

[M5Rick]

A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside.
''There's no room inside, it's full up!'' they said.
''But you have to let me on!'' he shouted.
''Why,what's so special about you?'' they asked.
''I'm the bus driver'' replied the man.

[Mandi90TT]

The true genius of Pavlovian conditioning is that every time I hear the word Pavlov, I think of a dog.

[Dino GT]

Last night a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.

[JMcLellan]

Originally Posted by Mandi90TT

The true genius of Pavlovian conditioning is that every time I hear the word Pavlov, I think of a dog.

Funny. I just referenced Pavlov the other day talking to a neighbor who was installing an invisible fence for his puppies. Pretty much the only thing I remember from my college psych class.

[3.0L]

Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M & M factory?

A: Because she kept throwing away all of the W's.

[JMcLellan]

What's the difference between jam and jelly?



I can't jelly my d*#k down your throat

[vreihen16]

Wife: I love you.

Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?

Wife: I was talking to the wine.

[UncleWede]

Two ducks are talking on a nearly frozen pond

"I don't mind the take-offs. But the landings shrivel my . . .




Feathers"

[Esteban]