The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[KRS_SN]

The Top Ten jokes from the fringe

1. Masai Graham: I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.

2. Mark Simmons: Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.

3. Olaf Falafel: My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

4. Hannah Fairweather: By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.

5. Will Mars: I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.

6. Olaf Falafel: I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.

7. Richard Pulsford: I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.

8. Tim Vine: I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.

9. Sophie Duker: Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.

10. Will Duggan: I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.

[M5Rick]

Bus passenger: Ticket to New York, please.
Ticket seller:By Buffalo?
Bus passenger:Of course not,I'm in the bus queue aren't I?

[Markr]

Reminds me of this one…

Train Passenger: I would like a return ticket please
Ticket Office: where to
Train Passenger: back here you idiot!

[Lady Jane]

I threw a ball for my dog... a bit extravagant, but she's worth it and looks great in a gown.

[Lady Jane]

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday... I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

[vreihen16]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[KRS_SN]

A keen country lad applied for a
salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store
in the world - you could get anything
there. The boss asked him, "Have you
ever been a salesman before?", "Yes, I
was a salesman in Kansas", said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said,
"You can start tomorrow and I'll come
and see you when we close up". The
day was long and arduous for the young
man, but finally 5 o'clock came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman. "Only
one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my
staff make 20 or 30 sales a day" "How
much was the sale worth??" "Three
hundred thousand, three hundred and
thirty four dollars"... said the young
man. "How did you manage that?" asked
the flabbergasted boss. "Well", said the
salesman "this man came in and I sold
him a smallish hook, then a medium
hook and finally a really large hook.
Then I sold him a small fishing line, a
medium one and a huge big one. I asked
him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast. I said he would
probably need a boat, so I took him
down the boat department and sold him
that twenty foot schooner with the
twin engines. Then he said his
Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able
to pull it, so I took him to the car
department and sold him the new
Deluxe Cruiser". The boss took two
steps back and asked in astonishment,
"You sold all that to a guy who came in
for a fish hook????"

"No" answered the
salesman, "He came in to buy a box of
Tampons for his wife, and I said to him,
Your weekend's f*cked, you may as well
go fishing".

[KRS_SN]

So the farmer is looking to buy a new Merc. His wife gets upset saying that the last thing he bought her was this ring. And she wants something do do 0-120 in 2 seconds.






So ....he buys her a set of bathroom scales

[Esteban]

If you were born in September, It's pretty obvious that your parents started their New Year with a bang.

[Dpc2u]

Originally Posted by Esteban

If you were born in September, It's pretty obvious that your parents started their New Year with a bang.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRs0OqV4uSc

[Mandi90TT]

I never wanted to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road workers...


...but when I got home, all the signs were there.

[3.0L]

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."


The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

[vreihen16]

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and mad at the same time."

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

[rwheels]

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.
As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God. "Oh please God, in Your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a Christian.
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log, and goes sprawling. The bear catches up, and approaches the terrified priest. Rising on its hind legs, the bear puts its paws together, and says, "Lord, thank you for this meal that I'm about to receive."

[Esteban]

^^ This one made me chuckle.

[KRS_SN]

European Heaven

the English are the policemen

the French are the cooks

the Germans are the mechanics

the Italians are the lovers

and the Swiss organize everything



European Hell

the Germans are the policemen

the English are the cooks

the French are the mechanics

the Swiss are the lovers

and the Italians organize everything

[JMcLellan]

What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean??


I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.....

[M5Rick]

Didn't like being a bus driver, I was convinced people were talking behind my back.

[3.0L]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

[KRS_SN]

A man turns up at a funeral and asks the widow: "mind if I say a word"?
"Yes, please do", she says
"Bargain", says the man
"Thank you", says the widow, "that means a great deal".

[KRS_SN]

I recall watching as a child, as a sow was 'serviced', and father explaining to me that this was necessary for the production of piglets.
I'd have been about seven, and nodded wisely as he acknowledged the facts of life.

However, I was quite bewildered a week or two later when father commented over breakfast that he needed to take the car to be serviced.

[KRS_SN]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "Har, we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Har," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"Seagull poo fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Har", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."