If You're Having a Bad Day...

[Lups]

Originally Posted by Kev312

This is an ignorant remark and rather offensive.

Actually, he was making fun of Pence and his wife.

I shared an uplifting story from my youth earlier with these guys about not working as a pr person. I wasn't making fun of a minority and I'm sorry if that was unclear.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

I'm with Dodgy on this one...I see no homophobe here. It was a joke directed to the policies of the place where Pence's wife works at. Suggesting that his wife is different from Pence's wife, therefore, he could not be Pence.

But nothing suggest he fears homosexual people or dislikes them.

I disagree with homosexuality and think it is a sin. But I don't dislike the people, just the action. Which means I too am not a homophobe.

You need to also mention thay you think connectinng a shewee to a hewee is a marital sport so he understands that you protest all fun, not just gay folks.

8 am approaching here. I think I better go to bed. Shewee and hewee... what the fuck is wrong with me

[Lups]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

I graciously accept your "endorsement". That being said, it took 13 Russians to get Donald Trump elected...and Russians are notoriously good at that sort of thing. How much foreign interference do you think we'll need to get me elected, given my shortcomings? I have a man on the inside - UncleWede and I have you. How many more do you think will be required...and would you be a dear and fetch them for me?

In return, I'll arrange for Danzig at not only the inaugural ball, but for a private wine cellar performance for you and your chosen guests....up to twenty guests.

I am a religious nut, it is true...but I have needs as well. And those were cut off for almost two weeks now because "You are a walking virus and don't come near me". But really, all I had was the common cold and a cough. A man cold, yes, but still, just a cold. Happily, the drought has now ended and I am no longer frustrated.

Do I have to invite 20 people or can it be just me and my beloved Mr Porn Voice? Think before answering, if you say yes, I will go through granite to get you elected but you have to promise to be a good prez, don t go around nuking shit up and don t do press conferences without sane sentences.

I'm a bit worried now. I've criticized religious nuts of all sort for years and here I am willing to trade my principles for a night of just listening to danzig. My morals seem to be on sale.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Lups

Do I have to invite 20 people or can it be just me and my beloved Mr Porn Voice? Think before answering, if you say yes, I will go through granite to get you elected but you have to promise to be a good prez, don t go around nuking shit up and don t do press conferences without sane sentences.

I'm a bit worried now. I've criticized religious nuts of all sort for years and here I am willing to trade my principles for a night of just listening to danzig. My morals seem to be on sale.

My mama didn't raise no fool. How's that for a sentence that is sane. You can absolutely have the private conference be just you and Danzig, but I accept no responsibility from your husband as to what happens in the cellar in that case.

Now...go fetch!

And I'm a lovable religious nut.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Lups

You need to also mention thay you think connectinng a shewee to a hewee is a marital sport so he understands that you protest all fun, not just gay folks.

8 am approaching here. I think I better go to bed. Shewee and hewee... what the fuck is wrong with me

Kev312 ^ She's right, you know.

I also disagree with pre-marital heterosexual sex and protest that fun as well.

But I believe an important point has been missed here Lups - I am fully on board for marital heterosexual sex as frequently and often as possible / both parties want. That fun should never be squashed, and I'm fully in support of that type of fun!

[Lups]

If anyone needs me, I'll be sitting right here contemplating if my ego could use a mild trimming after I spent 20 minutes cutting down a tree, and them five hours trying to save the house from the said tree.

All is well, but I might want to consider doing more prep work and less of that "watch this" thing.

I would like to thank my husband, my father-in-law and everyone in our phone books 5 minutes or less away who came to help and didn't make fun of me. That means everyone who did show up should die of inflamed hemorrhoids.

[UncleWede]

Not really sure if me voting/supporting Prez Kerr is a positive, just saying.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Not really sure if me voting/supporting Prez Kerr is a positive, just saying.

Shut up. I got 65 million more votes to harvest to get my night with Danzig.

The policy platform will be simple. Well copy trumpism a bit but we'll throw some bones for moderates and we'll fund this with war industry dollars. We will have to start a tiny, harmless war in the process which will buy us the red states, and at the same time the hippies in coastal states.

A few issues has arisen. I haven't named airplane expert for the strategy comitee and I also need a poet and one chicken expert. When those have been elected to assist me, I should have this prez Kerr thing locked in a few months if he remembers to keep his mouth shut about his stupid sex ban shit.

[UncleWede]

If I don't get to be one of 20 (or even 7 of Nine) can I at least put a camera in the room before the party???

[Lups]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

If I don't get to be one of 20 (or even 7 of Nine) can I at least put a camera in the room before the party???

No. My night.

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by Lups

No. My night.

Prez Kerr, she didn't get *MY* vote

[Lups]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Prez Kerr, she didn't get *MY* vote

Shut it, your ultra conservative ass will get a prez you'll love and all I get is a night with danzig for eating all my principles and I ain't sharing.

[Captain Blood]

Originally Posted by Lups

Shut it, your ultra conservative was will get a prez you'll love and all I get is a night with send it for eating all my principles and I ain't sharing.

You're still a little new here, so I'll let you in on a little secret. Whenever Lups types gibberish, this is an opportunity for you to imagine it to be whatever you'd like it to be.

Is this one of those times?

[Lups]

Originally Posted by Real Dodger

You're still a little new here, so I'll let you in on a little secret. Whenever Lups types gibberish, this is an opportunity for you to imagine it to be whatever you'd like it to be.

Is this one of those times?

Autocorrect and I'm a bit tired. Danzig is a hard word for it and it has an ass allergy.

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by Real Dodger

Is this one of those times?

Only if you imagine it in her voice, complete with wife-beater/Cheetos stains

[Lups]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Only if you imagine it in her voice, complete with wife-beater/Cheetos stains

I knew you think I'm hot!

[Lups]

Okay so I have more trees falling on me than the average forum member but this one was a funny one.

I'm known for my even temperament and calm posture. I'm such a good sport always and I never boil completely over and start something insane like digging a ditch around a house. I also am epic at paying people for shit I can do myself, I'm not ever tight with money!

I'm on a tight schedule. The spring is crashing in I have to cut down all the trees I need to cut before the nesting season. From our yard alone it meant 5 60 year old pines and three 100 year old bitches that were clearly a danger to the house had to go, and a few of those Canadian flag ones too.

So I shopped around for companies to do them for me and a few showed up and the best offer I got was 7k.

That was about 6500 euros more I wanted to put In to it.

I decided to do it on my own since our insurance company told me kindly they're not going to cover my project and also that they'd put my life insurance on hold for a month for being killed by a tree. It seems like my insurance agent knows me, eh?

So I took my trusted chainsaw I don't have a permission to use and went after the first birch. That went so badly it ended up being a five hour war against wind and a tree that by any standard should've been blown away by my shouting alone. After renegotiating its landing route with ropes and a car and every fucking person I know in this city, I'm still calling it a victory since not a branch landed on the house.

The second one tried to fuck with me too but this time there were more crew and more skills to sort it out.

So I spent last Friday basically shitting bricks since the birch cut on Saturday was a complete giant next to our house with a bend that put the old side of the house at risk even more than any of the trial runs.

Well, my dear husband had had enough and I was sent to get those stupid thingies you put in front of a jeep or you use by hand with a huge leaver. Mine has the pulling power of 6 tons (kg)and the tree went down exactly how it was supposed to go.

The others went in for coffee and I decided to try out my new super power tool to get the first pine of the day ready to be cut. I had it roped in and I launched my super power wire machine on the tree.

I was reading this forum while I just kept on pulling the leaver and then i broke my phone while running away cuz apparently putting the ropes high, and not paying attention means the tree falls on you.

Anyway. Besides a bit over a foot of my hair getting cut because I'm lazy, I think getting a pine to land almost on me sums up my last few months . Now the winch (is that the thing?) has joined the list of tools I am not allowed to use. Our insurance company has been informed that I've been booted out from the near house gardening and our lawyer says they can't suspend my life insurance for me being a fucking idiot if they can't prove I'm suicidal and left without supervision.

I'm not worried about my lawyer saying that all to my face but he did spend a day pulling a tree to a direction I needed it to land for me so I guess that makes him a good character witness. The shrink on an other rope kept on screaming about all the good drugs I could have if I just stopped doing stupid shit so I'm going with the lawyers estimation here.

Anyway. Now I got like 20m3 of wood to chop to fire wood and a story that'll make me immortal. At times I wonder how my completely sane husband and my completely sane friends always show up for these, and how our insurance company has never received a claim from us but then I remember my mad personality is only matched by my insane luck and calculations I just don't pull out from my ass (but with the first tree, I got lucky. So fucking lucky).

So that's why I haven't been around. I had to build a kitchen to the fucking lawyer and be a clown for the shrinks patients for a day. I fucking hate it when people ask for favours after SOS favours.

[Lups]

My wall is coming along nicely. The reason I bother to inform you of this is that today I had yet an other one of my freak accidents.

We took down an old maple tree today and I was chopping it along nicely when a really mean, nasty log decided it was time to fuck with me.

On the first try, it fell on my leg. I could show you the bruises but honestly nobody wants to see Scandinavian skin in March.

On his second murder attempt it jumped on my knee.

I'm known for my absolutely calm and considerate mind so naturally I lifted it up again, raised my mighty axe, didn't adjust the chopping blog and released the fire and fury within me to that stupid wood that had tried to best me.

At this point it should be said I've chopped all those logs, bigger and harder shown in the pic, with a machine and an axe. I've not been banned from axes either ever.

The third blow was so hard the wood never splintered but jumped on my foot, I heard a huge crack and then shortly liquids started to flow to my foot. Since I had nobody else to blame but I and since this is a holiday week for the kids, I decided not to cuss, sat down, and called my aunt from next door to come babysit for me while I run off to the er to get the foot sorted.

My aunt rushes over half a minute after I had taken off my shoe. I was amazed to see the big toe still moving and I had just realized the log had crushed a hefty ice piece into my shoe while landing so I only had a sprained toe, no stitches needed.

I was feeling all kinds of silly, the pain was bad but the whole situation was pretty fucking funny
Well, was, until my great aunt fetched her own axe from the trunk of her car she drove over so she could take me to the er and took on the log.

The first attempt got it in half. My ego went down to a quarter it used to be. The second blow sent the axe spear head or what ever it is called in english the metal bit, flying to her tyre, and it exploded.

Well, now I know how to change a tyre to a Mazda. That's a special treat since we first spent three hours looking for a tyre that would fit her car from the storages and then we needed to figure out how to do it frozen solid.

It clearly is a family trait, this stubborness business. It also is a family trait to be handling a situation like that laughing like maniacs.

Such a funny day. Painful but absolutely epic all the way.

[Lups]

The man standing there is a bit over 6ft tall btw, and that's now almost 30 yard long wall.

Trump got nothing on me.

[UncleWede]

Can we hire you to build southern wall? You have to cover your own worker's comp though!!!

[wrickem]

Originally Posted by Lups

nobody wants to see Scandinavian skin in March.

I want that on a T-shirt

[Lups]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Can we hire you to build southern wall? You have to cover your own worker's comp though!!!

Well, I'm more proficient than trump and all my accidents and injuries are stupid, and not lethal.

It is weird to think I've made it to the age of 36 with only 8 nights in the hospital. To be fair, four of those were when I was born, the rest were caused by my own kids. Missing an ear means 3 nights in incarceration