The joke thread, pics are not necessary

3.0L · 05-22-2022, 09:31 PM

.

M5Rick · 05-23-2022, 03:33 AM

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.When I was in India last summer I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

M5Rick · 05-23-2022, 03:38 AM

A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash,Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

Lady Jane · 05-23-2022, 07:47 AM

When someone offers you to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is YES or NO.

Not that " Who are you?" and "How did you get in?" nonsense.

3.0L · 05-23-2022, 10:33 AM

I'd love to grow my own food, but I haven't been able to find any bacon seeds.

Lady Jane · 05-23-2022, 10:56 AM

On a recent flight, I could tell that the Captain really wanted me.

To get off his lap.

KRS_SN · 05-23-2022, 02:44 PM

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

KRS_SN · 05-23-2022, 02:46 PM

Little boy at the zoo with mum asks what that dangly thing on the elephant is

It's the trunk

No, further back

The tail.

No, not that - in the middle, underneath

Mum (very pink now) It's nothing!

A few weeks later he's back with his dad this time.

Dad, what's that dangly thing on the elephant?

The trunk

No, further back

The tail

No, not that, the thing underneath in the middle - when I came with Mum she said it was nothing

Aah - your mother's been spoilt, son

KRS_SN · 05-23-2022, 02:47 PM

I was on a train with my wife when a man across the aisle repeatedly broke wind extremely loudly.

"How dare you fart before my wife!?" I said.

"Sorry, didn't know it was her turn..."

KRS_SN · 05-23-2022, 02:48 PM

Husband - right love, get your coat on, I’m going down to the pub.
Wife - ooh, that’s nice love, you haven’t taken me out in ages.
Husband - oh, you’re not coming with me, I’m just turning the heating off.

SpeedBuggy · 05-23-2022, 04:43 PM

What's the difference between a asskisser and a brown noser?

Depth perception

Markr · 05-24-2022, 02:23 AM

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck…..it needs a while longer in the oven

3.0L · 05-24-2022, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

On a recent flight, I could tell that the Captain really wanted me.

To get off his lap.

According to an airline pilot captain friend of my dad's (a couple of decades ago), this is true.

Coffee, tea or me.

Mandi90TT · 05-24-2022, 12:12 PM

Sometimes physics can be a real bummer.

I was thinking about gravity yesterday and it really brought me down.

Mandi90TT · 05-24-2022, 02:52 PM

We've all heard the adage about killing two birds with one stone, right?

Well, dinosaurs were the prehistoric ancestors of birds.

Thus, the asteroid that hit the Earth and killed the dinosaurs was the highest amount of birds killed by one stone, ever.

All time record!

Mandi90TT · 05-25-2022, 09:20 AM

The bartender says 'we don't serve tachyons here'

A tachyon walks into a bar

Jklotz · 05-25-2022, 09:42 AM

How to win the war on drugs:

!) Legalize all drugs

2) Make them have to go through Comcast customer service to get them

Markr · 05-27-2022, 05:20 PM

Guest in a restaurant asks the waiter if the duck on the menu was wild.

Not sure about wild, but it wasn’t very happy replied the waiter

freakystyly · 05-27-2022, 06:39 PM

.

Esteban · 05-28-2022, 02:24 AM

It's not really drinking alone...

…if the cat is home. Cheers!

M5Rick · 05-28-2022, 03:46 AM

Toughest job i ever had?
Selling doors, door-to-door.

M5Rick · 05-28-2022, 03:49 AM

i don't trust the press.Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall back all surprised.

05-22-2022, 09:31 PM	#441
3.0L Colonel 10826 Rep 2,011 Posts Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	This page intentionally left blank . __________________ 2014 BMW M235i 2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300 Expert ultracrepidarian
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-23-2022, 03:33 AM	#442
M5Rick General 68744 Rep 22,105 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.When I was in India last summer I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
	Appreciate 6 Dpc2u11490.50 KRS_SN14650.50 antgenn341.00 Esteban53875.50 Kilabyte3969.50 infinitekidM2C4297.50 Quote

05-23-2022, 03:38 AM	#443
M5Rick General 68744 Rep 22,105 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash,Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!
	Appreciate 10 cmyx6go16814.00 vreihen1620524.50 Dpc2u11490.50 KRS_SN14650.50 antgenn341.00 Esteban53875.50 Samurai of 2day2317.00 Dino GT35069.50 Kilabyte3969.50 JPSurratt200593.00 Quote

05-23-2022, 07:47 AM	#444
Lady Jane Cailín gan eagla. 81702 Rep 1,048 Posts Drives: 2024 X3 M40i and R1200RT bike. Join Date: Mar 2020 Location: Atlantic Canada. iTrader: (0)	When someone offers you to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is YES or NO. Not that " Who are you?" and "How did you get in?" nonsense.
	Appreciate 3 Buug95923175.50 vreihen1620524.50 JPSurratt200593.00 Quote

05-23-2022, 10:33 AM	#445
3.0L Colonel 10826 Rep 2,011 Posts Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	I'd love to grow my own food, but I haven't been able to find any bacon seeds. __________________ 2014 BMW M235i 2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300 Expert ultracrepidarian
	Appreciate 4 Buug95923175.50 Esteban53875.50 Samurai of 2day2317.00 Kilabyte3969.50 Quote

05-23-2022, 10:56 AM	#446
Lady Jane Cailín gan eagla. 81702 Rep 1,048 Posts Drives: 2024 X3 M40i and R1200RT bike. Join Date: Mar 2020 Location: Atlantic Canada. iTrader: (0)	On a recent flight, I could tell that the Captain really wanted me. To get off his lap.
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-23-2022, 02:44 PM	#447
KRS_SN Major General 14651 Rep 5,536 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
	Appreciate 8 Esteban53875.50 Dpc2u11490.50 Dino GT35069.50 Kilabyte3969.50 Samurai of 2day2317.00 infinitekidM2C4297.50 JPSurratt200593.00 sygazelle13228.00 Quote

05-23-2022, 02:46 PM	#448
KRS_SN Major General 14651 Rep 5,536 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	Little boy at the zoo with mum asks what that dangly thing on the elephant is It's the trunk No, further back The tail. No, not that - in the middle, underneath Mum (very pink now) It's nothing! A few weeks later he's back with his dad this time. Dad, what's that dangly thing on the elephant? The trunk No, further back The tail No, not that, the thing underneath in the middle - when I came with Mum she said it was nothing Aah - your mother's been spoilt, son
	Appreciate 3 Esteban53875.50 Buug95923175.50 Dino GT35069.50 Quote

05-23-2022, 02:47 PM	#449
KRS_SN Major General 14651 Rep 5,536 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	I was on a train with my wife when a man across the aisle repeatedly broke wind extremely loudly. "How dare you fart before my wife!?" I said. "Sorry, didn't know it was her turn..."
	Appreciate 6 Esteban53875.50 Buug95923175.50 vreihen1620524.50 Kilabyte3969.50 Samurai of 2day2317.00 3.0L10826.00 Quote

05-23-2022, 02:48 PM	#450
KRS_SN Major General 14651 Rep 5,536 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	Husband - right love, get your coat on, I’m going down to the pub. Wife - ooh, that’s nice love, you haven’t taken me out in ages. Husband - oh, you’re not coming with me, I’m just turning the heating off.
	Appreciate 3 vreihen1620524.50 Kilabyte3969.50 M5Rick68744.00 Quote

05-23-2022, 04:43 PM	#451
SpeedBuggy Comfortably Numb 883 Rep 655 Posts Drives: '18 x1/'13 X3/'06 330i Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cortland, Ohio iTrader: (0) Garage List 2006 BMW 330i [0.00]	What's the difference between a asskisser and a brown noser? Depth perception __________________ 06 e90 330i/Alpine White/Terra Dakota 13 F25 X3 xDrive 35i/Black Sapphire Metallic/Oyster Nevada 18 F48 X1 xDrive 28i/Black Sapphire Metallic/Black SensaTec
	Appreciate 2 Buug95923175.50 Kilabyte3969.50 Quote

05-24-2022, 02:23 AM	#452
Markr First Lieutenant 644 Rep 357 Posts Drives: BMW 740d Xdrive M Sport Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Wiltshire, UK iTrader: (0)	If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck…..it needs a while longer in the oven __________________ Current: 2018 BMW G11 740d MSport XDrive Past: 2015 Audi 3.0tdi A8L, 2012 Audi 3.0tdi A8L, 2009 Audi 3.0tdi A8, 2005 Jaguar 4.2V8 XJL, 2000 Jaguar 4.0V8 XJL + many others
	Appreciate 4 Buug95923175.50 vreihen1620524.50 Samurai of 2day2317.00 Dpc2u11490.50 Quote

05-24-2022, 12:12 PM	#454
Mandi90TT Colonel 2711 Rep 2,373 Posts Drives: BSM 6MT M4 F82 Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: Colorado Springs iTrader: (0)	Sometimes physics can be a real bummer. I was thinking about gravity yesterday and it really brought me down. __________________ 2015 Black Sapphire Metallic 6MT M4
	Appreciate 4 KRS_SN14650.50 Samurai of 2day2317.00 Esteban53875.50 vreihen1620524.50 Quote

05-24-2022, 02:52 PM	#455
Mandi90TT Colonel 2711 Rep 2,373 Posts Drives: BSM 6MT M4 F82 Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: Colorado Springs iTrader: (0)	We've all heard the adage about killing two birds with one stone, right? Well, dinosaurs were the prehistoric ancestors of birds. Thus, the asteroid that hit the Earth and killed the dinosaurs was the highest amount of birds killed by one stone, ever. All time record! __________________ 2015 Black Sapphire Metallic 6MT M4
	Appreciate 2 vreihen1620524.50 M5Rick68744.00 Quote

05-25-2022, 09:20 AM	#456
Mandi90TT Colonel 2711 Rep 2,373 Posts Drives: BSM 6MT M4 F82 Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: Colorado Springs iTrader: (0)	The bartender says 'we don't serve tachyons here' A tachyon walks into a bar __________________ 2015 Black Sapphire Metallic 6MT M4
	Appreciate 1 Buug95923175.50 Quote

05-25-2022, 09:42 AM	#457
Jklotz Private 199 Rep 52 Posts Drives: BMW M340i Join Date: Apr 2022 Location: Atlanta iTrader: (0)	How to win the war on drugs: !) Legalize all drugs 2) Make them have to go through Comcast customer service to get them
	Appreciate 6 Mandi90TT2711.00 KRS_SN14650.50 Dpc2u11490.50 Samurai of 2day2317.00 JPSurratt200593.00 Suds1626.00 Quote

05-27-2022, 05:20 PM	#458
Markr First Lieutenant 644 Rep 357 Posts Drives: BMW 740d Xdrive M Sport Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Wiltshire, UK iTrader: (0)	Guest in a restaurant asks the waiter if the duck on the menu was wild. Not sure about wild, but it wasn’t very happy replied the waiter __________________ Current: 2018 BMW G11 740d MSport XDrive Past: 2015 Audi 3.0tdi A8L, 2012 Audi 3.0tdi A8L, 2009 Audi 3.0tdi A8, 2005 Jaguar 4.2V8 XJL, 2000 Jaguar 4.0V8 XJL + many others
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-27-2022, 06:39 PM	#459
freakystyly Colonel 3551 Rep 2,014 Posts Drives: F22 B58 6MT Join Date: May 2016 Location: Ontario iTrader: (0)	. Attached Images
	Appreciate 2 Buug95923175.50 Dino GT35069.50 Quote

05-28-2022, 02:24 AM	#460
Esteban Major General 53876 Rep 7,238 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	It's not really drinking alone... …if the cat is home. Cheers!
	Appreciate 6 M5Rick68744.00 Dpc2u11490.50 3.0L10826.00 Boomer 20192013.00 Samurai of 2day2317.00 Suds1626.00 Quote

05-28-2022, 03:46 AM	#461
M5Rick General 68744 Rep 22,105 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	Toughest job i ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.
	Appreciate 4 KRS_SN14650.50 Dpc2u11490.50 3.0L10826.00 JPSurratt200593.00 Quote

05-28-2022, 03:49 AM	#462
M5Rick General 68744 Rep 22,105 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	i don't trust the press.Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall back all surprised.
	Appreciate 2 KRS_SN14650.50 Dpc2u11490.50 Quote