The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

"Rusty Bedsprings"

by I. P. Knightley

[KRS_SN]

Residents of a town in Missouri this week are complaining about the creation of a 'bondage club' that operates next door to a church. The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited

[KRS_SN]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Coke, Crisps, the lot.

[M5Rick]

Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.

[M5Rick]

Where do vampires keep their money? A blood bank.

[2000cs]

What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?
-A drummer

What do you do if you open the door and a guitar player is standing there?
-Pay him for the pizza.

[vreihen16]

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?


A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[Lady Jane]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[antgenn]

Small amount of alcohol is good for your health. In any quantity.

[Esteban]

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

[Esteban]

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asked him "every time you order a shot, you look into your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

[Lady Jane]

Murph walks into the pub all bruised and bloodied.
What they hell happened to you? Says Mick.
Paddy O'Halloran gave me a real good beating replied Murph.
Didn't you have anything in your hands to defend yourself?
Aye.. Mrs. O'Halloran boobs. Things of beauty but useless in a fight.

[M5Rick]

I say I say.
A man walks into the doctor's and tells him he's hurt his arm in several places.
The doctor replies ''Well don't go there anymore''

[M5Rick]

*Hey guys and gals lets keep the thread clear of bad language,smut and other adult humor,you know what I mean.

[HFW003]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

*Hey guys and gals lets keep the thread clear of bad language,smut and other adult humor,you know what I mean.

Here’s me thinking it’s OT in an adult forum

[M5Rick]

I got recognised in Macy's today. A member of staff came up to me and said ''Hey you're that mad bloke off the telly''. I said ''yeah that's me'' and he went ''no,you're that mad bloke...off the telly!''

[Lady Jane]

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to play doctor.
I waited for him for over an hour.

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to play doctor.
I waited for him for over an hour.

I don’t know what you were expecting, pretty sure he went out golfing.

[KRS_SN]

I took a couple of stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Wow" said the presenter, "these are really rare breeds, but a bit tatty. Any idea what they'd fetch if they were in better condition?"

"Sticks" I answered.

[KRS_SN]

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

[3.0L]

20 Years in the Saddle

by: Major Assflat

[3.0L]

√69 = 8 something