Dating - Good/Bad Experiences

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

That's a great F'n quote!!!

I feel like it somehow relates to the fat shaming thread. "200 lbs is 200 lbs"

[MaximusJ]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

MaximusJ I agree with everything that everyone else above has stated. In addition, here is my advice. Delete the dating apps. They are a feeding frenzy. Women are looking for affirmation that they are attractive, some are looking for meaningless sex, some are truly looking for a serious relationship (but they are so inundated with guys who only look good while being stupid or only want sex) that they are missing the mark. Stay off internet dating completely unless you are just looking to get laid, and from what I hear, that is getting more and more difficult to do.

I'm 42 as well and the dating scene is an absolute nightmare anymore. You come across as intelligent and level headed, however; you also seem too eager to find someone. As others have stated above, take some time off. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, accept the fact that you may never find someone and learn to live life for yourself without looking for "the one." When you get comfortable with who you are and get to a point where you really don't even want to date, is when you end up finding the person that best suits you. It's funny that this is how it happens, but it seems that it's always the case.

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and an excerpt from the book states, "The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience."

Don't stress it and don't pay to talk to anyone about it. Step away from the dating scene, delete the apps and do things that make you happy.

Down-low, dirty advice. Get your ass in a gym and lose those 20 pounds. This will give your brain something to focus on instead of women. Get focused on it and let your goals consume you. You'll drop that weight, increase your self esteem and women will start noticing you more. This also helps in the process of getting to know people. Once you start going to the gym, you will start to encounter people that go to the same gym. Continuing to see these people on a regular basis gets them familiar with you, this in turn, leads to eye contact and potentially non-forced conversations. Simply going up to a woman that you find attractive and trying to talk to her is not going to work. (In some cases it does, but it's extremely rare.) The more a woman sees you, the more comfortable she is going to be getting to know you. Even if you don't start talking to someone from the gym, you're losing that weight, getting in shape and getting re-familiarized with actual people and not people from apps.

Also, the first thing to understand, when it comes to women, isn't how you dress, how you look, how you speak, whether or not you are a good guy, etc. EVERYTHING is based off their emotions. Now, with that being said, if how you dress, how you look, how you speak, etc. makes them feel a certain way about you, they will let you know. Once they let you know they are interested, they will let you know to what degree their interest lies, purely physical, relationship material and whatnot. You have to understand that different women want different things. Some like clean cut business type guys, some like masculine, tattoo'd, jeans and t-shirt guys. My advice, be somewhere in the middle. Have the ability to pull off the intelligent, clean cut, classy, gentleman, but also be that bad boy that women want to throw themselves at....but don't even focus on this right now. Take some time off, find some activities that make you happy (btw, women will ask what you do in your downtime or what hobbies you have, they will want to be a part of it when you start dating someone regularly) and reinvent yourself. Focus on you right now, you have the rest of life to waste on someone you will eventually hate after it's all said and done.

Good luck, report back and let us know how things are going or if you have any questions that we can help with.

Funny thing is; that's what I did all summer ahah. I ended up being shadowbanned from tinder since I was deleting the app every now and then. So I just stayed off for a while. Spent time with the kids; did what I wanted to do (I had 5 weeks off work and did just that) I know its a jungle out there and I find it pretty easy to get laid; when that's what you want/need. But i'm at a point where I want more. I had my share of those dates in the first 6-9 months of being single. But I agree with you that it looks like that's all there is to get on these sites. It's getting tough to get noticed when decent women gets 150+ likes or messages a day.

Deleting the apps is indeed a mental break and it feels good not to have the pressure to feel the need to answer when somebody send me a message. But otherwise, I dont know how I'd be able to meet someone. I dont go out anymore, always do the groceries on a rush, all my friends are busy making babies; so the odds of that "out of the box" encounter are not very high.

I was also contemplating getting back in proper shape instead of losing my time on the apps. But again, my gym is at home; so chances of speaking to someone new are non existent ;p But I get what you mean. It's all about focusing on something that is right and deserving.

Originally Posted by Rmtt

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.

Love this.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by MaximusJ

Funny thing is; that's what I did all summer ahah. I ended up being shadowbanned from tinder since I was deleting the app every now and then. So I just stayed off for a while. Spent time with the kids; did what I wanted to do (I had 5 weeks off work and did just that) I know its a jungle out there and I find it pretty easy to get laid; when that's what you want/need. But i'm at a point where I want more. I had my share of those dates in the first 6-9 months of being single. But I agree with you that it looks like that's all there is to get on these sites. It's getting tough to get noticed when decent women gets 150+ likes or messages a day.

Deleting the apps is indeed a mental break and it feels good not to have the pressure to feel the need to answer when somebody send me a message. But otherwise, I dont know how I'd be able to meet someone. I dont go out anymore, always do the groceries on a rush, all my friends are busy making babies; so the odds of that "out of the box" encounter are not very high.

I was also contemplating getting back in proper shape instead of losing my time on the apps. But again, my gym is at home; so chances of speaking to someone new are non existent ;p But I get what you mean. It's all about focusing on something that is right and deserving.



Love this.

Although your gym may be at home, get involved in something. A friend of mine recently started taking various classes at a gym, boxing, cycling, etc. Join something that gets you around other people. You may not find the person you are looking for there, but those people know people....who know people. I've had several people, from the gym I go to, try to fix me up with friends of theirs.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have known each other for years before we started dating, so it was one of those type things. Any serious relationship that I have ever been in, has been with someone that I had known prior to us dating. I've found that meeting someone knew and dating from there never really works out. This is why it's important to get out, do something and while you're doing it, network.

Sounds like you've go this man. Just be patient and stay the course.

[Rmtt]

I will say that although I never used dating apps....my brother did end up finding his current wife on E-Harmony.

He said he tried all the other ones, but the people he met on that site were much more relatable to him. He thinks it's because he said when you create a profile...there is almost 30-45 minutes of stuff to fill out about yourself.

And he figured that if others took the time to put all that information in, then they at least had to be serious about what they wanted out of everything.

He believes all the other ones are just for hooking up, and that the E-Harmony site was where the ones who were ready to settle down went to.

I have no clue, but this one he has now is a lot more compatible for him than any of the others!

[MaximusJ]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

Any serious relationship that I have ever been in, has been with someone that I had known prior to us dating. I've found that meeting someone knew and dating from there never really works out. This is why it's important to get out, do something and while you're doing it, network.

I'm in the same boat. Always had that good friend who thought it was a shame that I was single and had a good friend with who i'd be a good fit. I've figured I'd take the matter in my own hands this time; but it's not working. There's definitely a glitch in the matrix

[Rmtt]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

That's a great F'n quote!!!

Yeah...he's got quite a few good things out there. People would look at him and not think he would have the perspective he does just based on how he looks.

[MaximusJ]

I guess I have a new date tomorrow night...

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by MaximusJ

I guess I have a new date tomorrow night...




































Attachment 2145166

um.....she's 12 years old.

[MaximusJ]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

um.....she's 12 years old.

In scotch years, that's 42 just like us bro! Fine woman at her prime!

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by MaximusJ

In scotch years, that's 42 just like us bro! Fine woman at her prime!

Carry on sir.

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by MaximusJ

I'm in the same boat.

With all of us in the same boat, you'd think it would have to be a pretty large boat... like a yacht.

[MaximusJ]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

Carry on sir.

Cant afford a 42 years old

[FuriouslyFast]

What about people that are not social butterflies? Networking doesn't work. We're all wired differently.

[FuriouslyFast]

Originally Posted by MaximusJ

Cant afford a 42 years old

Find the ones that have $

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by FuriouslyFast

What about people that are not social butterflies? Networking doesn't work. We're all wired differently.

Get out of your comfort zone. You can't meet people if you don't like meeting people.

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by MaximusJ

how do you avoid the "settling" situation. To me it's hard because I know you cant find the complete package somewhere; they're mostly all married with 12 kids, you have to lose some to get some. But every time I end up in a similar situation, I focus on the bad and forget the good. So I end up refusing to settle.

At some point you do a weigh-in, and see if the positive is greater than the negative enough that you can't do without the positive. There are certain traits of my wife that I flat out HATE. BUT, there are far more that I wouldn't want to do without in my daily life.

My dad, who will turn 80 later this year, met his new bride on Tinder They differ in age by less than a decade, although I don't know the exact difference.

[FuriouslyFast]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

Get out of your comfort zone. You can't meet people if you don't like meeting people.

Easier said than done for some is all I am saying. 2 sides to every coin. One person's way may not be the right way for the next person. Doesn't mean either way is wrong.

[MaximusJ]

Originally Posted by FuriouslyFast

Easier said than done for some is all I am saying. 2 sides to every coin. One person's way may not be the right way for the next person. Doesn't mean either way is wrong.

One thing that helped me a lot, but I have to admit that I was kinda freaking out on the first time, was to go to an event organized by a dating agency or dating app. We have one around here that holds bi-weekly events where they do a variety of things. The one I went was at a billiard place. Everyone was marked and they were shuffling the tables every now and then so you get to play with a lot of people on the same night. This app is location based, so while you were there, you could see the profiles of pretty much anyone that was there.

I was surprised how social the people over there were. Even the guys; no bitching or fake people; just a bunch of singles having a good time and maybe get to know a few profiles that you saw a couple times. I wasnt asked even once if I had kids, what I was doing for work, nothing. Very casual. And to be honest, where it helped me the most is with my self esteem. You get to actually see that you're not that bad really

So if you see some of those in your area; kick your own butt and just go. You most probably wont come back home with a number or anything, but it definitely upped my dating game through my social skills.

[FuriouslyFast]

Originally Posted by MaximusJ

One thing that helped me a lot, but I have to admit that I was kinda freaking out on the first time, was to go to an event organized by a dating agency or dating app. We have one around here that holds bi-weekly events where they do a variety of things. The one I went was at a billiard place. Everyone was marked and they were shuffling the tables every now and then so you get to play with a lot of people on the same night. This app is location based, so while you were there, you could see the profiles of pretty much anyone that was there.

I was surprised how social the people over there were. Even the guys; no bitching or fake people; just a bunch of singles having a good time and maybe get to know a few profiles that you saw a couple times. I wasnt asked even once if I had kids, what I was doing for work, nothing. Very casual. And to be honest, where it helped me the most is with my self esteem. You get to actually see that you're not that bad really

So if you see some of those in your area; kick your own butt and just go. You most probably wont come back home with a number or anything, but it definitely upped my dating game through my social skills.

I don't think my gf would be cool with me going to that

However, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to go to any sort of speed dating or group dating meet thing. No, not saying anything is wrong with it. I went to 1 of those types of things many years ago b/c we were looking for another chick to bring home & also bored (Different girl than current gf) & it is not my scene.

[MaximusJ]

Originally Posted by FuriouslyFast

I don't think my gf would be cool with me going to that

However, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to go to any sort of speed dating or group dating meet thing. No, not saying anything is wrong with it. I went to 1 of those types of things many years ago b/c we were looking for another chick to bring home & also bored (Different girl than current gf) & it is not my scene.

ahah

I hear ya. Speed dating is not my thing at all. I feel like having an interview for a position ahah.

Thing the event I was referring to wasnt speed dating at all. It was some very light chit chat with no pressure; rush; just a little sprinkle of flirt on top. I liked it and now follow their fb page. I will most likely go again some time.

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by Now_Rudi

MaximusJ I agree with everything that everyone else above has stated. In addition, here is my advice. Delete the dating apps. They are a feeding frenzy. Women are looking for affirmation that they are attractive, some are looking for meaningless sex, some are truly looking for a serious relationship (but they are so inundated with guys who only look good while being stupid or only want sex) that they are missing the mark. Stay off internet dating completely unless you are just looking to get laid, and from what I hear, that is getting more and more difficult to do.

I'm 42 as well and the dating scene is an absolute nightmare anymore. You come across as intelligent and level headed, however; you also seem too eager to find someone. As others have stated above, take some time off. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, accept the fact that you may never find someone and learn to live life for yourself without looking for "the one." When you get comfortable with who you are and get to a point where you really don't even want to date, is when you end up finding the person that best suits you. It's funny that this is how it happens, but it seems that it's always the case.

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and an excerpt from the book states, "The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience."

Don't stress it and don't pay to talk to anyone about it. Step away from the dating scene, delete the apps and do things that make you happy.

Down-low, dirty advice. Get your ass in a gym and lose those 20 pounds. This will give your brain something to focus on instead of women. Get focused on it and let your goals consume you. You'll drop that weight, increase your self esteem and women will start noticing you more. This also helps in the process of getting to know people. Once you start going to the gym, you will start to encounter people that go to the same gym. Continuing to see these people on a regular basis gets them familiar with you, this in turn, leads to eye contact and potentially non-forced conversations. Simply going up to a woman that you find attractive and trying to talk to her is not going to work. (In some cases it does, but it's extremely rare.) The more a woman sees you, the more comfortable she is going to be getting to know you. Even if you don't start talking to someone from the gym, you're losing that weight, getting in shape and getting re-familiarized with actual people and not people from apps.

Also, the first thing to understand, when it comes to women, isn't how you dress, how you look, how you speak, whether or not you are a good guy, etc. EVERYTHING is based off their emotions. Now, with that being said, if how you dress, how you look, how you speak, etc. makes them feel a certain way about you, they will let you know. Once they let you know they are interested, they will let you know to what degree their interest lies, purely physical, relationship material and whatnot. You have to understand that different women want different things. Some like clean cut business type guys, some like masculine, tattoo'd, jeans and t-shirt guys. My advice, be somewhere in the middle. Have the ability to pull off the intelligent, clean cut, classy, gentleman, but also be that bad boy that women want to throw themselves at....but don't even focus on this right now. Take some time off, find some activities that make you happy (btw, women will ask what you do in your downtime or what hobbies you have, they will want to be a part of it when you start dating someone regularly) and reinvent yourself. Focus on you right now, you have the rest of life to waste on someone you will eventually hate after it's all said and done.

Good luck, report back and let us know how things are going or if you have any questions that we can help with.

solid advice - i deleted the dating apps over the summer, got them back when i started school, and deleted them earlier this week. i'm definitely printing this post and pinning it on my wall

Originally Posted by Rmtt

Solid advice right here. My life was consumed with plenty of other things aside from dating when I went through my phase (29-36).

And I have always been a "meat-head"...so I'm not saying you have to sell your soul in the gym. But you need to have a safe place that is yours and will always be there. I been through a lot of shit in my life and the gym was my safe place. And I love the following from Henry Rollins:

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.

i'm also going to print this and pin it on my wall

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by Rmtt

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.

The Riddle of Iron