Women's congruence tests... and how to pass them?

[Darth One]

Did she ever tell you she has "a friend" like that one girl did with Biz Markie?



Actually lemme be serious for a sec because you seem to be sincere about asking for feedback (although kind of bad at taking action on it tbh): at this point you've known her long enough to know what she's like and what she's willing to give you - it's up to you to accept it or leave her. It sounds like you're trying to strategize ways to change her, which is not going to happen

[Turkish Pickle]

The fucking autism in this thread is great, you guys are far too kind

@OP bro what the fuck are you doing lmao? you guys have gone out 60+ (the fact you counted this is ridiculous on its own right) times but youre still trying to "understand" her?

she probably enjoys the attention from you just as much as you enjoy the attention from her, bail on her and find someone who wants to be with you and not someone who feels the need to use you

[Watching The World Burn]

Originally Posted by Turkish Pickle

The fucking autism in this thread is great, you guys are far too kind

@OP bro what the fuck are you doing lmao? you guys have gone out 60+ (the fact you counted this is ridiculous on its own right) times but youre still trying to "understand" her?

she probably enjoys the attention from you just as much as you enjoy the attention from her, bail on her and find someone who wants to be with you and not someone who feels the need to use you

This won't happen, nor will OP have a real conversation with this woman telling her all of this (which is what he should have done) and would you like to know why? Why it won't happen, despite numerous individuals repeating the exact same advice?

It is because OP has found a small silver lining in the thundercloud that continually shits on him on a daily basis and is clinging onto it, unwilling to move out to see if there is better weather elsewhere.

[G35POPPEDMYCHERRY]

man I get pretty lonely being alone and sometimes envy people in "relationships" OP you are a bit extreme. But there is more to it in life than relationships. i will say it again, NO ONE CAN COMPLETE YOU. people will bring problems into your life ALWAYS, but they also bring good. Everything is balance...i but a massive sub in my car its fucking loud, but my audio quality suffers.

I put on all seasons, I dont have to worry as much about weather but I lose traction.

apply this to your realtionships as well, obvs emotions dont equal logic, but like I said before. I'd rather be alone then be with someone who doesn't want me for exactly who I am. I work to damn hard to be an afterthought, and I feel like every human being should have a similar mindset

[No one]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Yes, we kiss, and she doesn't seem to mind my touch (i.e. she doesn't retract), but she's clearly not a very touchy person... She does open herself up to me in terms of posture, and (again, this may be me seeing what I want to see), she mirrors me - i.e. if I cross my legs, she crosses hers. If I turn towards her, she turns towards me on the couch. She fiddles with her hair when talking to me, she oftentimes presents an "open pose", i.e. puts her hands behind her head, doesn't cross her arms, etc.

Did you try to spread your legs? Why don't you touch her then?

[dreamingat30fps]

Originally Posted by No one

Did you try to spread your legs? Why don't you touch her then?

He might be afraid to find her twig and berries.

[Darth One]

Originally Posted by G35POPPEDMYCHERRY

man I get pretty lonely being alone and sometimes envy people in "relationships" OP you are a bit extreme. But there is more to it in life than relationships. i will say it again, NO ONE CAN COMPLETE YOU. people will bring problems into your life ALWAYS, but they also bring good. Everything is balance...i but a massive sub in my car its fucking loud, but my audio quality suffers.

I put on all seasons, I dont have to worry as much about weather but I lose traction.

This sounds like something Jesse from Fast and the Furious would say

[leopard print]

Has anyone asked for pictures of the girl yet?

[floridaorange]

Yep - it's like Garth Brooks Dad taught him - every blessing is a curse and every curse is a blessing.

[G35POPPEDMYCHERRY]

Originally Posted by Darth One

This sounds like something Jesse from Fast and the Furious would say

LMFAO i was trying to keep it car related since we are bimmerpost.

need to rewatch the OG movies. too good.

[D_o_S]

Originally Posted by Darth One

Did she ever tell you she has "a friend" like that one girl did with Biz Markie?



Actually lemme be serious for a sec because you seem to be sincere about asking for feedback (although kind of bad at taking action on it tbh): at this point you've known her long enough to know what she's like and what she's willing to give you - it's up to you to accept it or leave her. It sounds like you're trying to strategize ways to change her, which is not going to happen

Thanks, but the thing is, she IS "changing", or perhaps opening up - she doesn't "criticize" me as much as she used to, she DOES call me from her own incentive, we have begun organizing things more operatively to which she adheres (Like, let's go to the movies this weekend... she says sure, I'll give you a call sunday morning to organize - and she does).

So, in a way, I am accepting what she is showing me. All in all, I don't want to manipulate her into being what I want, but on the other hand, I do want to allow her to decide if perhaps there isn't a better way of doing something, such as sharing feedback.

It's like walking into a restaurant, saying: "I'd like mac and cheese and it needs to be ready in 10 minutes or else I'm leaving and not paying" vs "I'm in a bit of a rush today, do you think they could make me mac and cheese in 10 minutes?"

Similarly, since I respect and value her, I don't want to say: "Look, what you're saying is harsh and mean, I am removing myself from this situation till you formulate things properly", but rather I started this thread for advice... cause I wanted help, so than you to everyone who chimed in constructively

Originally Posted by Turkish Pickle

The fucking autism in this thread is great, you guys are far too kind

@OP bro what the fuck are you doing lmao? you guys have gone out 60+ (the fact you counted this is ridiculous on its own right) times but youre still trying to "understand" her?

she probably enjoys the attention from you just as much as you enjoy the attention from her, bail on her and find someone who wants to be with you and not someone who feels the need to use you

60 is an approximate number, I see her every weekend, once or twice during the week.

The trouble with "someone who wants to be with me" is it's never who I want to be with (or hasn't been thus far)

Originally Posted by Watching The World Burn

This won't happen, nor will OP have a real conversation with this woman telling her all of this (which is what he should have done) and would you like to know why? Why it won't happen, despite numerous individuals repeating the exact same advice?

It is because OP has found a small silver lining in the thundercloud that continually shits on him on a daily basis and is clinging onto it, unwilling to move out to see if there is better weather elsewhere.

To the first paragraph - I will have a real conversation when circumstances permit. That's why I came here, again, to put my thoughts in writing, to reflect on them, and to be "prepared to act" next time a shit storm like this comes around. Will it be a perfect response? Most probably not. But it will be better than last time, because I will try - and if I fail, at least I tried, I will learn and move on.

As to the second - as I have said, the issue with forums in general is they present a bias - people talk about things that are "broken" or "wrong". I mean, look at the N54 forum... people complaining about HFPF (at least they were back in the day), you read that and think that the N54 is an unreliable piece of junk. But what about the other thousands of cars, with no issues, where nobody comes onto the forum to say "Hey, just did 300 000 miles and still running the original HPFP, this thing is rock solid". So similarly, our "relationship" is far from a shitstorm, but when the clouds do come, I would like to know how to best, respectfully, deal with them. We're all different, I don't judge, I only want to look myself in the mirror and say "I did what I thought was right, and it is what it is".

Originally Posted by G35POPPEDMYCHERRY

man I get pretty lonely being alone and sometimes envy people in "relationships" OP you are a bit extreme. But there is more to it in life than relationships. i will say it again, NO ONE CAN COMPLETE YOU. people will bring problems into your life ALWAYS, but they also bring good. Everything is balance...i but a massive sub in my car its fucking loud, but my audio quality suffers.

I put on all seasons, I dont have to worry as much about weather but I lose traction.

apply this to your realtionships as well, obvs emotions dont equal logic, but like I said before. I'd rather be alone then be with someone who doesn't want me for exactly who I am. I work to damn hard to be an afterthought, and I feel like every human being should have a similar mindset

This is a good point, and something i have pondered as well. We all have to deal with "problems", no matter how rich, poor, healthy, etc. you are, and it's up to each and every one of us to choose the problems we deal with. So, um, yeah - I am choosing to deal with the problem presented in this thread, in my way, on my time because I believe I can learn from it and I believe it's worth the investment - into myself, into her, into our "relationship".

I could walk away, sure, but I'm far from giving up on her, because when things are good with her, I feel much better than I would feel alone.

[NeverL8]

OP…it appears to me that you’re trying to “justify” her positive actions towards you but yet turn your back on the negatives.

You might not like this, but I think what’s happening here is: She’s passing time with you, while waiting for someone better to come up. Women like the attention, be careful for, dined out and etc. I’ve dated a girl like that before and we copied pretty much what you two are doing, ended up that she was waiting for some other dude to come back to her. We broke up, he came to her life, she got married to him like a year later.

I hope it’s a different story with you and her. But I would look for the signs of just “passing time”

[dreamingat30fps]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

It's like walking into a restaurant, saying: "I'd like mac and cheese and it needs to be ready in 10 minutes or else I'm leaving and not paying" vs "I'm in a bit of a rush today, do you think they could make me mac and cheese in 10 minutes?"

No it's like going to a restaurant and sitting there... for an hour... then sitting there some more while no one even takes your order. But hey maybe they are busy so you sit there for another hour only to still get no service, but hey the server looked at you so surely they will be over soon. So you sit for another hour and still nothing. Finally you get a glass of water, but it doesn't even have ice and the cup is dirty, but hey they are trying their best so you wait another hour... nothing.

Then you come here and ask what you should do about this situation. Everyone says go next door have a grilled cheese. You ignore everyone, talk about how shitty the restaurant has been, but you know they have bologna sandwiches back there some where. So instead of getting up and going next door you keep waiting and try justifying to us how it's not the restaurants fault and how you really really want a bologna sandwich.

Knock yourself out.

[D_o_S]

Originally Posted by TheRussski

OP…it appears to me that you’re trying to “justify” her positive actions towards you but yet turn your back on the negatives.

You might not like this, but I think what’s happening here is: She’s passing time with you, while waiting for someone better to come up. Women like the attention, be careful for, dined out and etc. I’ve dated a girl like that before and we copied pretty much what you two are doing, ended up that she was waiting for some other dude to come back to her. We broke up, he came to her life, she got married to him like a year later.

I hope it’s a different story with you and her. But I would look for the signs of just “passing time”

Thank you! Yes, I have been in a situation where I was used to pass time - and, as a matter of fact, it ended similarly to what you describe. She said she needs time for herself, moved to a different country... and within 6 months had boyfriend and was pregnant. So much for needing time for herself! But yeah, live and learn. This is not quite like that.

Moreover, we have to a certain extent discussed our future... and she said about 6 months in that she wants "what we have between us to last forever". And no, that wasn't said in a way (reading it back after myself) like 'I want you to be in the friendzone forever', rather a commitment to working things out.

Originally Posted by dreamingat30fps

No it's like going to a restaurant and sitting there... for an hour... then sitting there some more while no one even takes your order. But hey maybe they are busy so you sit there for another hour only to still get no service, but hey the server looked at you so surely they will be over soon. So you sit for another hour and still nothing. Finally you get a glass of water, but it doesn't even have ice and the cup is dirty, but hey they are trying their best so you wait another hour... nothing.

Then you come here and ask what you should do about this situation. Everyone says go next door have a grilled cheese. You ignore everyone, talk about how shitty the restaurant has been, but you know they have bologna sandwiches back there some where. So instead of getting up and going next door you keep waiting and try justifying to us how it's not the restaurants fault and how you really really want a bologna sandwich.

Knock yourself out.

Good analysis! And yep, I can absolutely see what you're saying, but (and this is the BUT from my point of view), it's rather like being in a 3 star Michelin restaurant, whereas next door is McDonalds... Sure, I can go next door and get my quick fix, but...

I'm still waiting for the Michelin menu even though things are rocky...

[dreamingat30fps]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Good analysis! And yep, I can absolutely see what you're saying, but (and this is the BUT from my point of view), it's rather like being in a 3 star Michelin restaurant, whereas next door is McDonalds... Sure, I can go next door and get my quick fix, but...

I'm still waiting for the Michelin menu even though things are rocky...

It's not though... you may THINK it is... but a Michelin star restaurant would not keep you waiting that long and serve warm water in a dirty cup.

And BTW there is more than one 3 star Michelin restaurant.

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

60 is an approximate number, I see her every weekend, once or twice during the week.

The trouble with "someone who wants to be with me" is it's never who I want to be with (or hasn't been thus far)



To the first paragraph - I will have a real conversation when circumstances permit. That's why I came here, again, to put my thoughts in writing, to reflect on them, and to be "prepared to act" next time a shit storm like this comes around. Will it be a perfect response? Most probably not. But it will be better than last time, because I will try - and if I fail, at least I tried, I will learn and move on.

As to the second - as I have said, the issue with forums in general is they present a bias - people talk about things that are "broken" or "wrong". I mean, look at the N54 forum... people complaining about HFPF (at least they were back in the day), you read that and think that the N54 is an unreliable piece of junk. But what about the other thousands of cars, with no issues, where nobody comes onto the forum to say "Hey, just did 300 000 miles and still running the original HPFP, this thing is rock solid". So similarly, our "relationship" is far from a shitstorm, but when the clouds do come, I would like to know how to best, respectfully, deal with them. We're all different, I don't judge, I only want to look myself in the mirror and say "I did what I thought was right, and it is what it is".



This is a good point, and something i have pondered as well. We all have to deal with "problems", no matter how rich, poor, healthy, etc. you are, and it's up to each and every one of us to choose the problems we deal with. So, um, yeah - I am choosing to deal with the problem presented in this thread, in my way, on my time because I believe I can learn from it and I believe it's worth the investment - into myself, into her, into our "relationship".

I could walk away, sure, but I'm far from giving up on her, because when things are good with her, I feel much better than I would feel alone.

Ok a few points:
1- Please don't call this a relationship. I understand that you feel like you guys have something special and that special thing won't fit in society's construct of a relationship, but frankly this "thing" you guys have doesn't sound much like a relationship

2- Something tells me you don't give enough chance to women who are interested in you, except this girl. The first few dates will be dry and yes it can become an arduous task to meet new people so often, but that shouldn't result in settling on someone you aren't 100% with. If it's not a fuck yes, it's a fuck no

3- The sheer fact you're also calling it a "relationship" in quotes also kinda sus. Also I don't think anyone here has questioned if you don't respect or care or value etc her. It's been more so the other way around - sounds like most of us (myself included) just don't think she's reciprocating your energy.

Everyone deserves someone who can reciprocate their energy... to go off your mac n cheese analogy, this would be like saying "I'm willing to pay $20 for a plate of mac and cheese" and being served a $20 plate, not kraft microwaved in a plastic cup. You are willing to pay that $20 for some pasta, and that's great, but it does not seem like you're getting your money's worth, if you catch my drift.

[chresto]

Your perception of this person being so unique and great is your mind playing tricks on you. This most likely stems from the way you were treated during your early days and your relationship with your mother/parents. Have a read on attachment syndromes and see if you can relate. Unfortunately if you do suffer with something like this it is inevitable to end up in life with someone who will perpetuate the misery, hence what is happening currently. Do yourself a favour and find a professional to help you correctly. Otherwise enjoy waiting in the 3-star Michelin restaurant waiting to be served for life.

[breezyrc15]

Hey all,

The best way to pass a women’s congruence test is to wholly be your true and authentic self.

This is a great read and will help you (PDF of a book called Attract Women Through Honesty)

https://u.teknik.io/4SSzOA.pdf

[D_o_S]

Originally Posted by dreamingat30fps

It's not though... you may THINK it is... but a Michelin star restaurant would not keep you waiting that long and serve warm water in a dirty cup.

And BTW there is more than one 3 star Michelin restaurant.

Yes, this is good! I see what you're saying, to paraphrase: that if it's meant to work, it will be "workable" from the start... whereas I'm at the Michelin restaurant waiting for the chef to get his act together, well, he won't be Michelin for much longer then...

Originally Posted by Turkish Pickle

Ok a few points:
1- Please don't call this a relationship. I understand that you feel like you guys have something special and that special thing won't fit in society's construct of a relationship, but frankly this "thing" you guys have doesn't sound much like a relationship

2- Something tells me you don't give enough chance to women who are interested in you, except this girl. The first few dates will be dry and yes it can become an arduous task to meet new people so often, but that shouldn't result in settling on someone you aren't 100% with. If it's not a fuck yes, it's a fuck no

3- The sheer fact you're also calling it a "relationship" in quotes also kinda sus. Also I don't think anyone here has questioned if you don't respect or care or value etc her. It's been more so the other way around - sounds like most of us (myself included) just don't think she's reciprocating your energy.

Everyone deserves someone who can reciprocate their energy... to go off your mac n cheese analogy, this would be like saying "I'm willing to pay $20 for a plate of mac and cheese" and being served a $20 plate, not kraft microwaved in a plastic cup. You are willing to pay that $20 for some pasta, and that's great, but it does not seem like you're getting your money's worth, if you catch my drift.

1 - that's why I use quotation marks, because it's not a relationship, but for the purpose of writing I dunno what else to call it

2 - correct. I have had several women circling me, several woman inviting me out (let's go have dinner, let's go for a drink, let's go for a bike ride, let's have sex, lets go on a trip) but I can see, I can tell they are not for me... I see their values and their intellect (I don't want to sound like I'm boasting), but I just "know I could not get along with them"

3 - good point. Umm, how do I put it... I am an overachiever, hard worker, workaholic... whatever. All these things have their negative and definitely less practical side (like my writings and ponderings here), so I have learned not to expect nearly as much from others as I expect from myself. I don't want to say I am settling in this (or any other) relationship, but history has taught me over and over again through massive disappointment that people just don't work the way I do. I am punctional, I am never sick, if I'm breathing I'm on the job, no matter if it's second day post surgery. Similarly, in a relationship, I give it my all - and, in essence, I expect nothing in return, just for the other person to be themselves.

In general, this 99.99999999999999% of the time leads me to quickly flee and stop putting in effort. For some reason, with this girl, I feel she is putting in as much effort as she CAN, and that's the thing... it feels like it, but I may be looking through a skewed lens.

Originally Posted by chresto

Your perception of this person being so unique and great is your mind playing tricks on you. This most likely stems from the way you were treated during your early days and your relationship with your mother/parents. Have a read on attachment syndromes and see if you can relate. Unfortunately if you do suffer with something like this it is inevitable to end up in life with someone who will perpetuate the misery, hence what is happening currently. Do yourself a favour and find a professional to help you correctly. Otherwise enjoy waiting in the 3-star Michelin restaurant waiting to be served for life.

Definitely, and thank you. Yes, I did have a very strange upbringing, which again has brought success in some areas (school and business) and clearly massive shortcomings in other areas (relationships). I was always mommy's boy, listening to her every word, destined to not fail her high expectations. Get straight A's? You bet. Sit in her office as silent as a mouse while she worked? Would do it for hours, if need be, and not complain. Not go out with friends because mom said I have to study? Sure. Help others before you help yourself? Got that from her. So, lots of good, but also lots of "limiting and self-hurting beliefs".

And from that I guess stems the way I am.

And, so, yes, I had dreamed up what I want my relationship to be, but that sort of vaporized the more I got to see women. And, I'm at the crossroads now, I feel, between: do I want to keep up this "effort" and look for the perfect one and never settle...

... or do I settle for the fact that hey, "that's a nice girl over there, let's enjoy each other's minds and bodies for a month or two, maybe have a baby, and it is what it is... i.e. I will not rely on her to be there when I need her, etc."
----- and maybe, just maybe, this is the life? I dunno, I'm pondering it. Maybe relationships are a game of statistics - the more chicks you meet, the more you bang, the more you know what you're after, the higher your chances of meeting the "one"? That, I guess is also a question I don't know if there is an answer to: why do we, as humans, complicate this relationship thing so much? I mean, why am I here, talking to dear forum members, asking for advice on something that could just be: am I having fun? If yes, continue... if not, find another female?

Originally Posted by breezyrc15

Hey all,

The best way to pass a women’s congruence test is to wholly be your true and authentic self.

This is a great read and will help you (PDF of a book called Attract Women Through Honesty)

https://u.teknik.io/4SSzOA.pdf

I have read that, and will re-read it again. I have also read No More Mr Nice Guy, What Women Want When They Test Men, etc.

[Watching The World Burn]

Ah for fricks sake, I keep coming back. You aren't going to find a book that quantifies women. Experience is the key. And you are lacking it.

Not suggesting at all you go out and bang women. I'd actually suggest you don't. But entering into a relationship with them, getting to know them, starting to recognize red flags earlier and earlier...yeah. Doesn't have to be physical to be in a relationship. But there does have to be communication. And you sir, are falling way short in that regard.

You are too chicken to have this conversation. You just keep delaying it and finding a reason why *that time* wasn't the *right time* for that conversation.

There has been a whole lot of times where I've had a "conversation" with my wife that wasn't the *right time*, but I got it out there and maybe things go south for a few days but then we figure it out, we understand the other, and we try to make some changes.

You aren't giving her anything really to go on, just a solid blank wall you are. I'd imagine that might be frustrating. If I were her, I might kick you in the nuts just to see a genuine reaction from you that wasn't overanalyzed prior to being displayed.

[rebekahb]

Does anyone remember that thread I started where I said to post a picture of what you think other forum members look like? I think the running contributors here need to add what you think DoS looks like. I have this idea in my head and will try to find that thread.

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by rebekahb

Does anyone remember that thread I started where I said to post a picture of what you think other forum members look like? I think the running contributors here need to add what you think DoS looks like. I have this idea in my head and will try to find that thread.

Here it is.

https://g20.bimmerpost.com/forums/sh....php?t=1842355