The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Le Patron1]

What is the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhrea?

One of them shucks while having fits

[M5Rick]

Why are spiders such know-it-all's?
They're always on the web.

[M5Rick]

Let's keep the jokes clean guys

[Lady Jane]

[gjm120]

Paddy worked at the Murphy's brewery in Cork. One afternoon one of Paddy's coworkers came to Paddy's wife Mary and told her that her dear Paddy died in an industrial incident at the brewery.

Mary was understandably torn up but composed herself enough to ask what happened. The man explained that he drowned in a vat of Murphy's. Mary said "O Jeesus, tell me, did my dear Paddy suffer?" Replied Paddy's friend "I don't think so" he got out 3 times to pee".

[No one]

A reporter is visiting an area where locals are famous for their longevity. A grey, wrinkled, senile man gets being interviewed. "-You don't smoke, do you? -Of course, I do! All the time, just taking a short break. -You don't drink wine, probably. -I drink wine instead of water. Wine is fine! -You must've kept away from women, I'd presume. -No way. I love to bang them! I never miss an occasion. -How did you manage to live that long then? -Not too long yet: I am just 32."

[Dino GT]

A 82 old man goes to the mall to by some new shoes.
He decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court.
He noticed that the teenager sitting at the table next to him had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, red, blue, orange.
He kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he asked sarcastically. What`s the matter old man, you never done anything wild in your life?
The old man stared at him for a few seconds and said:
Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[aguywalksintoabar]

!

[M5Rick]

What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
Ouch!

[rdt22]

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

[rdt22]

I have another one of the 'dad jokes' category

[Kowalski2011]

Jeopardy Clue: 12 seconds

Question: What is the length of time between when you farted and someone shows up at your office door?

[Dino GT]

A young Indian boy asked the old Indian chief what was the name of his wife.
Chief said, wife name, Three Horse.
That's an unusual name for the wife, said the young Indian boy. Three Horse, what does that mean?
It's an old Indian name said the Chief. It means Nag, Nag, Nag.

[3.0L]

A little Indian boy becomes curious one day and decides to talk to his father, the chief of their village, how his tribe chooses names.

"Father," he said "how do we get our names in this tribe?"

The father looks at his boy and tells him "Well, my son, when a baby is born in this village they are given their name based on the last omen seen by our tribe. That is why I am named Roaring Black Bear, and you're mother is named Soaring Eagle."

"Oh well that certainly clears some things up for me, father." The boy said.

The chief looks at his son and asks "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

[Dino GT]

A couple of kids asked me yesterday what it was like for me growing up.... So I took their phones, gave them a popsicle and told them to stay outside until the street lights came on 🙂

[Dino GT]

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks. Did you see my face? The hostage says, yes.
The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.
He turns to the next man and asks. And you, did you see my face? The man says, no, but I think my wife did.

[VadimCr]

A robber gets in the bank.
Everybody down, this is a robbery ( Everybody's down, smelling the floor)

The Robber starts to ask them one by one
R: Hey you! What's your name
H: My name Is John!
R: Don't Like you John, Give me your wallet

Next one
R:What's your name?
H: I'm Sandy
R: I like you Sandy, My momma is Sandy, I will not take anything from you

Next One
R: Who are you?
H: I am Brian, but my friends call me Sandy

[3.0L]

A guy is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail." The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand your mom. Just last night I told her I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite!"

[KRS_SN]

Kevin O'Hara was making his way back home from a night out when he felt peckish and decided to visit the fast food restaurant only to find that it was closed to walk-in customers.

After discovering that the drive-thru was still open and with his eyes on a Big Mac he joined the queue with the cars and waited his turn before walking up to the machine and placing his order. However, much to the 32-year-old's disappointment, his request was refused as he was told he had to be in a car to use the drive-thru.

Kevin stumbles over to the speaker at the end of the drive-thru and casually says hello. A member of staff replies: "Excuse me mate, I'm going to have to ask you to get out the drive-thru".

Kevin soldiers on regardless, asking: "Can I get a Big Mac please?" to which the McDonald's employee replies: "Nah, you need a car to come through the drive-thru pal. It's drive-thru only tonight".
At this stage no-one would blame Kevin for walking away and abandoning his tequila-fuelled quest for the elusive burger. But, not wanting to take no for an answer, he has an idea to try and convince the McDonald's staff to hand over the goods despite him still being on foot.

"I'm trying to pretend I'm in a car so I can get some food," he says, before making 'vroom vroom' noises as if he was revving an engine. The bemused employee takes it in his stride, replying: "I dinnae accept pretend vehicles sir". He adds: "That's not the point though, it's a health and safety hazard. You're walking round a drive-thru. If you get run over it's then on me."

Despite Kevin's insistence that he wouldn't get hit he was still refused service – but he had another trick up his sleeve. "I'm a f*ing truck," he says. "Are you trying to say I don't identify as a truck? I identify as a truck, so I am a truck."

The staff member replies: "You can identify as whatever you want mate, you're not in a vehicle". A long silence follows while Kevin tries his engine noises again and adds chips to his original order. However the McDonalds crew have stopped replying and after a few more attempts to no avail he sighs and gives up his pursuit

[No one]

An elder sister comes home and finds her younger one at a table, moving a pen over a piece of paper. "-What are you doing? -I am writing a letter to my friend Kitty. -But you don't know how to write! -Well, it doesn't matter: Kitty doesn't know how to read."

[M5Rick]

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

[M5Rick]

I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.