The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[aguywalksintoabar]

I asked a girl to go to the gym with me for our first date, and she didn't show up.
I guess we're not going to work out.

[M5Rick]

I arranged a computer date to meet up outside a pub,when I approached the pub on my motorcycle and saw what she looked like I decided it wasn't my round and rode on.

[M5Rick]

What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.

[gerryi]

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

[M5Rick]

Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

[gerryi]

Husband: "Honey, the neighbor is washing the car with his son again!"

Wife: "Poor kid! Go over there and tell him to use a sponge instead."

[Markr]

Kid “Dad, there’s a man at the door with a wooden leg called Charlie”
Dad “ask him what the other one’s called”

[Dino GT]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:55 PM.
He sat down next to a beautiful blonde at the bar and stared at the TV.
The 10 PM news comes on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, do you think he`ll jump?
Bob said, you know, I bet you he`ll jump.
The blonde says, well, I bet $20.00 he won`t.
Bob slaps a $20 bill on the bar and said. You`re on!
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.
The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 bill to Bob and she said. Fair is fair, here`s the money.
Bob said, I can`t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news.
The blonde said; I did too, but I didn`t think he`d jump again.

[Markr]

Lady walks into a butcher’s shop and asked the young butcher behind the counter for an Aylesbury duck. He picks up a duck, and asks the lady if that one is ok. She grabs it from him and shoved her finger up it’s bottom and says “that is not an Aylesbury duck, get me an Aylesbury duck”.

The young butcher, unsure what to do, goes out the back to his boss and explains what has just happened. His boss said “ah yes, that is Mrs Smythe”. He went to the fridge and picked out another duck and handed it to the young butcher and said “try this one”.

The young butcher went back into the shop and handed the lady the new duck, she grabbed it from him and again shoved her finger up it’s bottom. She smiled at the young butcher, and said “that is a fine Aylesbury duck young man, thank you”.

She then said to the young butcher “you are new here aren’t you, where are you from”. The young butcher bent over, presented his bottom and said “you tell me”.

[dokterdok]

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

[DocL]

A woman gets a tattoo of Mike Tyson on her left thigh and it looks terrible. She then gets one of Ali on her right thigh and it too looks terrible. Her friend says she should sue the tattoo artist for permanently scaring her with these bad tattoos.

She goes to court and explains the situation. The judge asks if he can see the evidence which she obliges too. She lifts up her skirt and shows the judge. He looks at her left thigh and says it's a really bad Mike Tyson tattoo. He looks at her right thigh and say that it is the worst Ali tattoo he's ever seen. However, he says Don King in the middle is perfect.

[Lady Jane]

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

Reminds me of a old W.C. Fields joke:
How do you cure a sick fish?
Put it in a bucket of well water.

And a one liner of his:
I never drink water, fish f*ck in it.

[UncleWede]

What do bleach blondes and 747 have in common?



Black boxes

[SpeedBuggy]

Seems there were three girls that were best friends. All three are married and strangely enough, each one's husband is named George. When the three friends would get together, the subject of there husbands would come up and ultimately they would get a bit confused over which George they were talking about. So they decided that they should give their George's nicknames. After some discussion, it was decided that they would name their husbands after a soft drink.

The first girl thinks for a moment and announces she is going to name her George, Barrel Head Root Beer because when he gets it up, it's is big as a barrel. The girls just giggle and said ok

The second one thinks for a moment or two and announces she is going to name her George 7-Up because when he gets it up it's 7 inches. Again the girls just giggle and said okay.

Well the third girl thinks for a quite a bit and finally announces she is going to name her George, Jack Daniels. Well the other two girls, a little taken back said you can't name him that, don't you know that's a hard liquor. The third girl responded, hard licker that's my Georgie..

[Esteban]

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilaya.

[gjm120]

Before anyone chastises me for making Irish jokes, this one was told to me by some Corkmen when I lived there, along with a bunch of others I wish I could remember.


Paddy o'Connell, Paddy o'Brian and Paddy Murphy worked together on a high rise building site

They were sitting on a ledge on the 12th strorey starting to have their lunch.

Paddy O'Connell opened his lunch pail and it was a cucumber sandwich. He hollered out, not again, she makes the same fecking lunch every day and he threw himself off the building

Paddy o'brian opened his lunch and it was roast beef sandwich. god damnit he hollered. She makes roast beef for me every day, I can't take it anymore and he throws himself off the ledge.

Paddy Murphy opens his lunch, cries out 'for fecks sake, not another salmon cream cheese sandwich' and he jumps to his death.

After the funeral the three wives were consoling each other and Paddy O'Connell's wife lamented that she should have made something different occasionally for her Paddy's lunch. Paddy o'Brians wife agreed that she should have done the same.

Paddy Murphy's wife looks at the other two women and says that her Paddy was a wonderful husband. He actually made his own lunch every day.

[2000cs]

And then there’s the Irish love triangle:
Patrick Fitzwilliam
William Fitzgerald
Gerald Fitzpatrick

[SpeedBuggy]

Wake to the phone ringing early one cold snowy winter morning. It's my finance and it seems my future father in-law is a bit upset. He noticed that my name has been urinated in the snow on the front lawn. It wasn't so much the issue that my name was in the snow, but more the fact that it was in my fiance's handwriting

[3.0L]

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[Le Patron1]

What would a Mexican call his Dicks if he had two of them?
Jose and hose B

[Le Patron1]

What do you call a blonde doing a hand stand? A brunette with really bad breath