The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[aguywalksintoabar]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".

[aguywalksintoabar]

Two prostitutes standing on the corner and one of them says
"we gonna make a lot of money tonight i
can smell the dick in the air"
..and the second one
replied "sorry i burped"

[cmyx6go]

Originally Posted by aguywalksintoabar

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".

You forgot to mention the soldier was from Boston.

I’ll let myself out now

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

You forgot to mention the soldier was from Boston.

I’ll let myself out now

Bwoston!

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

You forgot to mention the soldier was from Boston.

I’ll let myself out now

Not sure about the Boston..but I'll go along with it

[M5Rick]

Maths teacher says to his class ''If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other, what do I have?''
A student replies ''A drinking problem''.

[cmyx6go]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Not sure about the Boston..but I'll go along with it

I don't know how to explain in print. Boston people have this accent. When they say park the car, it comes out pok the ka. So khakis = ka keys.

[Dino GT]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby, but he was born without ears. Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby.
Johnny's mom knowing how Johnny was warned him that if he mention his ears he would be spanked.
Johnny looked in the crib and said, what a beautiful baby, beautiful face, hands and feet. How's his eyesight?
The baby's mother said, it's perfect.
Little Johnny says, that's good, because he'd be screwed if he needed glasses.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

I don't know how to explain in print. Boston people have this accent. When they say park the car, it comes out pok the ka. So khakis = ka keys.

.

[cmyx6go]

^ Perfect! That was a good one! Thank you.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

^ Perfect! That was a good one! Thank you.

The missing "R" from Boston migrated west to Buffalo and the Great Lakes area, where you parrrrrk the carrrrrr like a pirate.

I've also got my lawn guyland accent down fairly well.....

[vreihen16]

I can laugh about it now, but my family moved to the Buffalo area when I was a child. The school district sent me to three years of speech classes, claiming that my "R" was too weak/soft per their crazy regional accent.....

[Dino GT]

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt at the gym and a blonde woman says, WOW what a great chest you have! He says, 1000 lbs of dynamite baby! He takes off his pants and the blonde says, wow! What massive calves you have! And he again says, 1000 lbs of dynamite baby! He then removes his underwear and the blonde takes off running and screaming in fear. He quickly puts on his clothes and starts running after the blonde woman, he catches her and asks her, why you start running like that?
The blonde woman says, I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!

[Dino GT]

A very rich man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confessed to him that she was pregnant.

The man not wanting to ruin his reputation and marriage told her that he would pay her a large sum of money if she moved to Italy to have the child. And if she stayed in Italy to raise the child he would provide her with child support and all the necessary things for her to raise the child in Italy.

The Italian woman was angry but she agreed. She asked him how will you know when the baby is born?
To keep it discrete he said, simply mail me a post card and write Spaghetti on the back.

One day, about 9 months later he got home and the wife was all confused, sweetheart, she said, you received a very strange post card today from Italy.
Oh just give it to me and I'll explain it to you later, he said.
The wife handed him the card and he starts reading it, a few seconds later he turns white and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with Meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.

[Dino GT]

A teacher trying to teach good manners to her students asked.
If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.
The teacher said, that would be impolite.
How about you Sherman, how would you say it?
Sherman said, I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. That's better said the teacher, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
How about you Johnny, can you show us your good manners?
Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

[M5Rick]

I tried to organise a hide-and-seek tournament but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.

[Lady Jane]

[M5Rick]

A vegan said to me ''People who sell meat are gross!''
I said ''People who sell veggies are grocer''.

[KRS_SN]

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.



The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline on the outside of the bike - that'll help prevent it from rusting", and he's handed a small tub of Vaseline which he puts in his pocket.



On Friday, he and his girlfriend head to her parents' place on his new motorcycle. Before getting inside, she says "By the way, my family has a weird tradition but it's an important one - whoever is the first to talk during dinner has to wash all of the dishes. It'll impress my Dad if you don't talk first."



They all sit down for dinner. Mother, father, guy, girlfriend, and girlfriend's sister. It's a massive dinner with a ton of dishes. No one says a word. Guy feels his girlfriend sliding her hand up his leg... so he reciprocates. He begins feeling her up, eventually fondling her breasts. The father looks on, horrified, but still says nothing. Guy reaches over and begins fondling girlfriend's sister's breasts with his free hand; the father looks on, red with anger, but still says nothing. Guy stands up, lays the mother on the table, and starts shagging her six ways from Sunday. Certain that this would drive the father into a rage, he locks eyes with him. Still, not a word. Just then, guy hears the sound of rain hitting the kitchen window and remembers his motorcycle is outside, so he reflexively reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of Vaseline, at which point the father jumps up and shouts "OH FINE, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"

[Dino GT]

An old farmer had a large pond in the back of his property all nicely done for swimming. There was picnic tables, a BBQ and fruit trees all around the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to pick some fruit.
He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket and headed down to the pond.
As he's getting closer to the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing. When he got to the pond he sees a bunch of young women skinny diping in his pond.
The young women became aware of his presence and they all went into the deep end.
One young woman shouted to him. We're not coming out until you leave.
The old farmer said: I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.
He holds the bucket up and says; I'm here to feed the alligator.

[aguywalksintoabar]

In an ancient Indian village lived a mighty old chief. He was a gigantic man, known everywhere for his lack of the ability to fart. One day this chief rounded up all of his advisors to discuss the matter. At the meeting, one of the elder advisors said he had heard of a great medicine man who lived many moons away. And so the chief called in his closest friend to send him on a journey to talk with this medicine man. His friend agreed and was off immediately.

He reached the hut of the medicine man many days later. He walked up and said, "Big chief, no fart."

The medicine man looked up and said, "Mak'em eat beans for one week and come back to see me."

And so the man took the advice back to the chief who, in turn, followed it. But still nothing. The man returned to the medicine man, and said: "Big chief, no fart."

And so the medicine man said, "Make'em eat beans for one month, then return."

So the friend of the chief returned, and the advice was taken. Still no fart. So the friend went back to the medicine man after a month and reported the same thing. "Big chief, no fart," he said.

"Mak'em eat only beans for one year."

And so the advice was taken back to the big chief. A year later, the medicine man was waiting for the man to return. On a sunny day he did, looking sad and dishevelled.

"Son, did my advice work?" asked the medicine man.

The man nodded his head yes.

"So, what happened?"

The medicine man looked up at the chief's friend, who responded: "Big fart, no chief."

[gjm120]

This one was told by a cousin when we were all around 12 in front of the parents. I'll never forget it (nor the parents' reaction)

In an small town in the Old West, the general store was run by an attractive young woman who never wore underwear. The men would come into the store and ask for something on a very high shelf so she would have to get on a ladder and they could get a nice view. One day a cowboy walks in and sees raisins on the top shelf so asks for a box of raisins. She's just coming down from the ladder and another old codger sees the raisins and says he wants a box also. This happens again. Then another guy comes in and before she starts down the ladder she asks "is yours a raisin too?" He says "no, but it's twitchin' a mite."