Dating - Good/Bad Experiences

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

Trouble on the horizon with the current girlfriend. I smell an end coming fast. I came really close to ending it this morning.

She didn't respect your safe word?


What happened?

[upstatedoc]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

Trouble on the horizon with the current girlfriend. I smell an end coming fast. I came really close to ending it this morning.

are you cancelling the rubber sheets?

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

are you cancelling the rubber sheets?

I still haven't pulled the trigger on the rubber sheets but washing a load of towels every day is getting old.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

She has issues with initiating anything. To paint the picture, she has joint custody with her ex-husband; one week he has them, one week she has them. On the weeks that he has them, she stays at my house. No I don't like staying at her house because it's a wreck and chaotic. I can't relax in an environment like that, it makes me want to clean.

Her kids are 6, 8 & 10; mine are 18 & 19. I don't spend much time at her house while her kids are there. Biggest reasons being that I don't want to intrude on their time with their mother as they are young; the second reason is that I don't do well around kids that yell, scream and misbehave. I didn't allow my kids to act like this and I'm not going to put up with someone else's. I can tell that it bothers her that I don't spend time around her kids, but it doesn't bother her nearly as much as it will when I go ape shit on them at some point when I've finally had enough of constant crying and screaming.

In 2 1/2 years I can recall her cooking dinner for me twice. On the weeks that she is at my house, I cook or buy dinner every single night. She will assist with gathering plates, cutlery, napkins, etc. but does nothing to help cook. Asking her what she wants for dinner is pointless as she will stare at me like deer in headlights and will never come up with anything. She hates her job and doesn't make much money, yet does nothing to improve the situation like look for another job. Her ex-husband the equivalent of the love child of Bob Villa and Mr. Bean destroyed her house trying to be a handy man. She can't afford to fix it, I don't have the time, patience of the money to fix it for her. She has a huge house with lots of land that she can't afford and shit is constantly breaking but refuses to sell the house because of the emotional attachment she thinks that her kids have on the house.

Now that I have spewed forth the painting, last night we are in bed; I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well in weeks. She wants sex and I'm all about it, but she makes no effort whatsoever. I begin kissing her, she kisses me back but that's it. I stop kissing her, she does nothing. My point is this, I initiate sex, every single time we have it. In over two years, she has initiated sex twice, both of which being on my birthday. I explained to her how tired I was and if she wanted sex she may have to take control and just take it. She laid her head on my chest. After about 10 minutes I finally turn off the light, the tv and she rolls over on the far side of the bed. At this point, I'm pretty well pissed off. She is game for sex whenever as long I'm all over her and pleasing her. Don't get me wrong the sex is amazing but if I don't touch her/please her multiple times first; she will never make the first move. Perhaps I'm used to dating whores that can't keep their hands off of me but she acts completely like a tag-a-long.

She complains about being poor, yet does nothing to change it. She is losing her ass on her house, but due to the fact that she hasn't changed jobs to generate more income, it spirals out of control. Her children don't listen to her and do whatever the hell they want because she won't reprimand/punish them. Basically she takes no initiative whatsoever in anything, yet if someone else is doing something she'll participate and help out.

She is a good person, she has a good heart, I would never have to worry about her cheating....or so I feel. She has an amazing body and the sex is phenomenal as long as I don't expect her to take charge or touch me first, etc.

Am I being an asshole or is it too much to ask for someone to get motivated and do something, with not only their life, but with me as well?

There is no perfect woman out there, just like you are no perfect man. And I bet that the initial thrill of the dating phase will eventually get old too as you realize you will always find the flaws in each other with each new person...eventually that realization must set in, and no doubt leaves one jaded if you are always looking for the perfect match.

I don't know, sounds like it is a balancing of positives and negatives, and figuring out if you can live with the negatives. I would say the lack of initiation is frustrating, but not nearly as important as the kids. The kids are always going to be around, in some way or another, and always number one for her. And if you can't stand them, I don't know long run how that will play out, but I wouldn't be surprised if its a struggle.

On the other hand, you say she's attractive and a good person (very important and hard to find sometimes with those who are not already in relationships). I would not be surprised if you took a few days to clear your head and disconnect a little from your frustration in the moment that you found many other positive traits about her.

Obviously I can't tell you what to do, but I'd encourage you to step back and evaluate the situation with a calm mind and be fair to her before you take any action. There are some very concerning things here, no doubt.

How many times have you discussed this with her and asked her to initiate sometimes? Have you conveyed how important it is to you?

This doesn't mean it will change of course - I've tried having this discussion with my dear wife, and it really hasn't changed things. But ultimately, it's not the hill I wish to die on, there are far too many other good things about her.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

There is no perfect woman out there, just like you are no perfect man. And I bet that the initial thrill of the dating phase will eventually get old too as you realize you will always find the flaws in each other with each new person...eventually that realization must set in, and no doubt leaves one jaded if you are always looking for the perfect match.

I don't know, sounds like it is a balancing of positives and negatives, and figuring out if you can live with the negatives. I would say the lack of initiation is frustrating, but not nearly as important as the kids. The kids are always going to be around, in some way or another, and always number one for her. And if you can't stand them, I don't know long run how that will play out, but I wouldn't be surprised if its a struggle.

On the other hand, you say she's attractive and a good person (very important and hard to find sometimes with those who are not already in relationships). I would not be surprised if you took a few days to clear your head and disconnect a little from your frustration in the moment that you found many other positive traits about her.

Obviously I can't tell you what to do, but I'd encourage you to step back and evaluate the situation with a calm mind and be fair to her before you take any action. There are some very concerning things here, no doubt.

How many times have you discussed this with her and asked her to initiate sometimes? Have you conveyed how important it is to you?

This doesn't mean it will change of course - I've tried having this discussion with my dear wife, and it really hasn't changed things. But ultimately, it's not the hill I wish to die on, there are far too many other good things about her.

I agree completely with what you are saying. I may get along better with someone else, but this doesn't mean they will be faithful. They may be faithful, but I won't be as attracted. You are correct that there are no perfect women, just as there are no perfect men. In 2 1/2 years we have had 2 arguments, both of which were the same argument over initiating sex. Nothing has changed and I don't expect it to. She's so hot that I'm sure she has never had to initiate sex, it just get thrown at her. I have communicated that it would be nice for her to make the first move on occasion and her response was that she initiates just as much as I do.....this just simply isn't accurate, she must not either understand what initiate means or thinks laying there is participating....I dunno.

The biggest issue that I have with her is just overall personality. I'm a type-A personality - fast talking, goal oriented, go-getter, clean, etc. She is just kinda happy to be wherever she is. Whatever direction the wind blows her is where she'll end up, simply no direction at all.

I definitely need to step back and calm down before I make any move whatsoever, but between last night and this mornings arguments, I definitely feel different about her....especially in regards to sex now. I may be an asshole but now that I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is my job to initiate every single time, this makes me not want to initiate it at all.

Thanks for the sound advice Joe. and sorry for rambling.

[UncleWede]

Wait, you've only ever had 2 arguments, then you had one last night and another one this morning?

I too suffer from the lack of initiation by the partner. It gets extremely frustrating for me to TRY to initiate and then nothing happens. My wife thinks that if I look her in the eyes, look at her chest, and then she shakes a bit that she has in fact initiated. Both you and I probably wouldn't agree.

Do you think you REALLY want another type-A??? I'm more the laid back in my relationship, but it really does get difficult to ALWAYS be the one apologizing after an argument. I do it though because I know she has cut off blood-family over silly shit they can't even remember any more. With that in mind, if *I* don't patch it up, it won't get patched.

More than a few times I've been on the receiving end of "You don't support me" when it comes to her kids. That's because I will never hear the words 'You aren't my father' again, not going to get into an argument beginning with "No, I'm still here supporting you" The response I get then, regarding our shared son, is "You go tell him" OK, I will, and that's why he listens to me and shows me a bit of respect.

[UncleWede]

^ because misery loves company, I have no real answers

[******]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

I agree completely with what you are saying. I may get along better with someone else, but this doesn't mean they will be faithful. They may be faithful, but I won't be as attracted. You are correct that there are no perfect women, just as there are no perfect men. In 2 1/2 years we have had 2 arguments, both of which were the same argument over initiating sex. Nothing has changed and I don't expect it to. She's so hot that I'm sure she has never had to initiate sex, it just get thrown at her. I have communicated that it would be nice for her to make the first move on occasion and her response was that she initiates just as much as I do.....this just simply isn't accurate, she must not either understand what initiate means or thinks laying there is participating....I dunno.

The biggest issue that I have with her is just overall personality. I'm a type-A personality - fast talking, goal oriented, go-getter, clean, etc. She is just kinda happy to be wherever she is. Whatever direction the wind blows her is where she'll end up, simply no direction at all.

I definitely need to step back and calm down before I make any move whatsoever, but between last night and this mornings arguments, I definitely feel different about her....especially in regards to sex now. I may be an asshole but now that I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is my job to initiate every single time, this makes me not want to initiate it at all.

Thanks for the sound advice Joe. and sorry for rambling.

Judy, I was going to give you some great advice ... but Joe beat me to it.

Yep, it’s like he read my draft. I just didn’t get it out there soon enough.

The only difference was the way he spelled color.

Hang in there, guy. He actually did give some good advice which I know you know.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Wait, you've only ever had 2 arguments, then you had one last night and another one this morning?

I too suffer from the lack of initiation by the partner. It gets extremely frustrating for me to TRY to initiate and then nothing happens. My wife thinks that if I look her in the eyes, look at her chest, and then she shakes a bit that she has in fact initiated. Both you and I probably wouldn't agree.

Do you think you REALLY want another type-A??? I'm more the laid back in my relationship, but it really does get difficult to ALWAYS be the one apologizing after an argument. I do it though because I know she has cut off blood-family over silly shit they can't even remember any more. With that in mind, if *I* don't patch it up, it won't get patched.

More than a few times I've been on the receiving end of "You don't support me" when it comes to her kids. That's because I will never hear the words 'You aren't my father' again, not going to get into an argument beginning with "No, I'm still here supporting you" The response I get then, regarding our shared son, is "You go tell him" OK, I will, and that's why he listens to me and shows me a bit of respect.

See this is exactly what I'm talking about. I will end up apologizing and for what? I got frustrated because I wanted to see if she would actually follow through with what she wanted, she didn't and then she is the one that got upset and rolled over in bed, but when I mirrored her actions and rolled over myself then it became an argument. This morning I woke her up for work, finished getting ready myself and she said nothing. When I finally spoke to her she said, "I wondered if you were going to speak to me this morning." Why couldn't she speak first? That's the entire problem. I need to make the first move on every damn thing and then she follows.

Yeah, the thing with the kids is exactly why I don't want to get close to them. I tried in the past. Last year at Christmas I went on a trip with them to see Christmas lights. The youngest started crying on the way there and it continued the entire time. When I finally had enough and started jokingly giving him hell with comments like, "My man, you are still crying? Your mom takes you out and takes you places and all you can do is cry?" She got pretty upset with him and me so I just kept my mouth shut the rest of the trip. That was the last time I made an effort to be involved.

Originally Posted by Herdalum

Judy, I was going to give you some great advice ... but Joe beat me to it.

Yep, it’s like he read my draft. I just didn’t get it out there soon enough.

The only difference was the way he spelled color.

Hang in there, guy. He actually did give some good advice which I know you know.

Appreciate ya man.

[Turkish Pickle]

Jody while I do get that we're on very different spots in life, I think you're at the level where I want to be.
What I mean by this? I'm a relatively hard person to live with, if someone can put up with me that's a major win in my book. I'm brutally honest, and much rather support/state the truth than caring about someone's feelings or whatever. I'm also ambitious, maybe more than I can pull off sometimes, but I've set up my life so that if I mess something up it's my fault and no one elses. So like if a girl can literally put up with me for so long I wouldn't make a huge deal of it.

Then again, here's where I fail: I can't deal with people who are okay with where they are if they complain 24/7. On the flipside, I also know I probably wouldn't get along with someone like me very well because I live with my head too far deep in my ass. It is why I do what I do today so I don't think that's something that'll go that easily and especially this young.

So all in all I think you should decide what you're looking for. Starting college I was after the "accessory" type of girl who'd literally have 24/7 available when I wanted to hang out etc you get the girl. I tried that, ended up not being a fan of it because that usually brought a lesser sense of intelligence. I then went on to people I'd get along with on "deeper" level as in they'd get my jokes, we'd have conversations past "she did he said". That didn't last longer either because I rarely put up with shit and because I'm so busy during the week days, I usually got a lot of shit thrown at me.


This is a long, rambly post yes but the message I want to give is this - what are you looking for? Two and a half years is more than any relationship I ever had so clearly what you had in the first place was working out. Is loyalty and her attractiveness important to you? (It looks like it and I'd seriously reconsider priorities if neither was tbh) And the final blow: past sex, would you meet up with her for coffee or whatever? As in, do you like spending time with her or is it more of a "she's hot and sex is great" kind of thing? Why are you in a relationship? Clearly you're doing fine on your own, you can cook, drive a nice car so probably making decent bank, your kids are not really "kids" anymore (at least in the eyes of the law).

As I said maybe i'm saying all this because I haven't existed that long yet (you're older than twice my age) but I feel like coming up with questions to help you think through this might be the most helpful course of action rather than making an impulse decision that might not sit well with you in the next day/week/month...

[******]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

I appreciate the time you took to type all that and understand where you're coming from. Yes, you and I are a lot alike. I've built my life to where I depend on no one. I like to think that I am relatively successful...car, house, good job, I try to take care of myself. dress nice and whatnot. Unfortunately this poses problems as well as women see this and want to latch on.

I'm in a place in my life where I do not want to be in the typical sense of a relationship because the last one I was in really fucked me up. I went full retard, you never go full retard. I started dating the girlfriend just to have someone to do things with and I was physically attracted to her. Personality wise, she is not at all my type. I generally go for more girly girls who are extremely smart (I'm sapiosexual) and quick witted. The problem is these are usually the women who are only interested in attention and they can get that from any man. These types of relationships usually doesn't last long because I work 50+ hours a weeks, plus help run a side business with a friend of mine, typical homeowner yard word, remodeling, working on the car and going to the gym leaves little time for me to drop what I'm doing to spend time with someone because they're bored.

The current girlfriend simply wants my time and is willing to work around my schedule for it which I appreciate, but the main reason I'm with her is because it's safe and I'm not going to get hurt. The downside is that she will eventually get hurt. I do care about her and she has a ton of great qualities but she isn't someone that I can have deep conversations with which leaves me needing more.

I guess it works for what it is now but I don't see it standing the test of time. The weird thing is the thought of her dating someone else bothers me. My friends give me hell because they have said they would trade places with me in an instant and have a steady flow of women. I've done this but it gets old eventually. Honestly I don't know what I'm doing here.

Rather than answer your questions publicly, I'll take them a rhetorical and ponder the answers myself, dig deep and decide what I need to do not only for me but her as well.

Thank you for you input man.

Well, from personal experience if you think it would bother you if she dated other guys I’d be very careful about cutting her loose. I messed up a time or two that way and regretted it. Not telling you anything you don’t already know, I’m sure. A lot of what you said about her would really bother me, too, though. But a lot wouldn’t. I couldn’t care less if she initiates sex as long as the answer is “great” when I do. Some women just can’t make that move, maybe they’re concerned you would decline the offer, I don’t know. The kid thing would be a concern for me. But, hey, the bottom line here is, as Norm used to say, (and not to make light of your situation) “women, can’t live with ‘em, pass the beer nuts”...

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Herdalum

Well, from personal experience if you think it would bother you if she dated other guys I'd be very careful about cutting her loose. I messed up a time or two that way and regretted it. Not telling you anything you don't already know, I'm sure. A lot of what you said about her would really bother me, too, though. But a lot wouldn't. I couldn't care less if she initiates sex as long as the answer is "great" when I do. Some women just can't make that move, maybe they're concerned you would decline the offer, I don't know. The kid thing would be a concern for me. But, hey, the bottom line here is, as Norm used to say, (and not to make light of your situation) "women, can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts"...

Yeah man, like I said before maybe it's just because I'm used to dating women who typically throw themselves at me and have no problem just taking what they want. The girlfriend is very submissive, which can be fun but it would be nice for her to initiate too.

The kid thing isn't a huge deal. We have discussed this and she understands that because I don't spend as much time with my kids as I would like, it's hard for me to be around other kids in that role. She understands and is cool with it but I also understand that she would like for all of us to be around her together. She doesn't pressure me about it though.

She has some great qualities and I don't take these for granted but the areas lacking are of great concern.

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

Yeah man, like I said before maybe it's just because I'm used to dating women who typically throw themselves at me and have no problem just taking what they want. The girlfriend is very submissive, which can be fun but it would be nice for her to initiate too.

The kid thing isn't a huge deal. We have discussed this and she understands that because I don't spend as much time with my kids as I would like, it's hard for me to be around other kids in that role. She understands and is cool with it but I also understand that she would like for all of us to be around her together. She doesn't pressure me about it though.

She has some great qualities and I don't take these for granted but the areas lacking are of great concern.

Give it a little more time. It's almost Christmas and the unwritten rule is this: You can't break up with anyone between Thanksgiving and Valentines Day (Happy VD...it's a real thing!).

[Turkish Pickle]

wow i guess it is true MKSixer dropping knowledge bombs as usual

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

wow i guess it is true MKSixer dropping knowledge bombs as usual

This is one of the ways we maintain a civil and just society.

[aozer]

lol i guess i shouldnt have broken up with my girl two weeks ago

[******]

I think this ties in to no nut November somehow...and no nut December, which isn’t as widely known.

[cmyx6go]

After your initial post I was going to say breathe. Something set you off and got blown out of proportion for whatever reason. Something else going on, take a bit and cool off. But after reading your subsequent posts I feel differently. It seems to me it’s just about the sex and keeping you occupied. Granted that being a good person and being faithful is huge in my book, if you have nothing in common outside the bedroom where is it going? And you already know she will get hurt.

Where is her head on your future? I’m sure she’s thinking 2 1/2 years, where is this going and maybe senses the answer is nowhere but won’t dare utter a word for fear of it being true. If she ignores it, maybe it will be ok. I also haven’t seen you say you love her. I think you know the answer deep down.

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by aozer

lol i guess i shouldnt have broken up with my girl two weeks ago

My friend's ex was broken up with by his GF YESTERDAY. Extremely poor form. What's the world coming to...she should have know that she has to stick it out until VD.

[UncleWede]

Did you guys already forget about steak/bj day?? If u want me to hold out until after VD, fair plays dictates we go clear to SBJD

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Did you guys already forget about steak/bj day?? If u want me to hold out until after VD, fair plays dictates we go clear to SBJD

this day sounds like an awesome one, is it a perk of marriage?

[upstatedoc]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

this day sounds like an awesome one, is it a perk of marriage?

You have much to learn about marriage grasshopper