The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

What kind of shoes do burglars wear?

Sneakers.

[Esteban]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

[Esteban]

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

-George Carlin

[Esteban]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog For Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.

"So what have you done with your life?" He asks the dog.

"I've lived a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims, then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner "why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"

The owner says "because he's a liar. He never did any of that!"

[Kilabyte]

Originally Posted by Esteban

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

-George Carlin

RIP Legend

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by Esteban

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

[M5Rick]

Me and a friend were having tea at a local cafe when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said ''Hello Sid,can I join you?''
''Why, am I falling apart?'' I replied.

[KRS_SN]

I asked a friend what our parents did to kill boredom before the Internet?

He asked his 16 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

[Dpc2u]

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

What are a shark's two most favorite words? Man overboard!

What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1.

[Dino GT]

A woman goes to the doctor crying that she is worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks, what is the problem? The woman says, I don't know what to do anymore, everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me. The doctor says, I have a cure for that. Everytime your husband seems to lose his temper get a glass of water and start swishing it. Swish and swish but down swallow it until he either calms down or leaves the room. Two weeks later the woman goes back to the doctor all happy. She says, doctor that was brilliant, everytime my husband seems to start losing it I swish the water. I swish and swish and after a while he calms right down. But doctor, how does a glass of water do that? The doctor says, the water itself does nothing, it just keeps you from opening your mouth.

[KRS_SN]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's really raining hard out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing." replied the drunk.

[M5Rick]

I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him £20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He replied ''No, the steaks are too high.''

[CrownGlass]

What was the last thing to cross the bugs’ mind as it hit the car windshield?


Its bum.

[Dpc2u]

Originally Posted by CrownGlass

What was the last thing to cross the bugs’ mind as it hit the car windshield?


Its bum.

Oldie but goodie! 😆

[3.0L]

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

When she bent over, Rover took over, because he had a bone of his own.

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

When she bent over, Rover took over, because he had a bone of his own.

Reminds me of..

Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon
1,000 volts shot up it's ass and turned it's wool to nylon.

[aguywalksintoabar]

Did you hear about the man who tried to catch fog?

He mist!

[Dino GT]

A couple of young prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of the car that read "Two hookers" $50.00.
A police officer seeing the sign pulled them over and advised them, that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At the same time a minivan goes by with a sign on the side that read, "Jesus Saves." How come you don`t stop them? Asked one of the prostitutes.
Well, that`s a little different, the officer said. Their sign is about religion.
The two prostitutes took the sign down and drove off.
The next day the same police officer is is on duty again, and he spots the two prostitutes driving around with another sign on their car. He flipped the lights on and began to catch up to them when he noticed what it said on the new sign, "Two Angels Seeking Peter" $50.00

[BMWGUYinCO]

[KRS_SN]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market"?

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic"?

The shoe guy replied, "I have millions in your bank and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market".

"What’s your name"? asked the executive.

“John H. Smith”, was the reply.

The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith”?

"We certainly do”, answered the Manager. "He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account".

The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand. But Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story...

"I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.

Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options; eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.

When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing; I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.

After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars

[Esteban]

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

[Esteban]

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics.