The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[KRS_SN]

I couldn't get my wife's attention.

So, I sat on the sofa and looked comfortable.

Worked a treat.

[KRS_SN]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

[KRS_SN]

Last night I dreamt I was weightless. I was like 0mg.

[Buug959]

I had 12 bottles of whiskey and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which l drank.

[Pauly Wauly]

Originally Posted by Buug959

I had 12 bottles of whiskey and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which l drank.

I don`t understand half of the joke.... I think I`m drunk

[Buug959]

What do you call a pig with laryngitis?

Disgruntled.

[Buug959]

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

[Buug959]

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the results were staggering.

[KRS_SN]

I was asked if people on the autistic spectrum took things literally and I said, no , that’s kleptomaniacs

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Buug959

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

Little Johnny dresses up as a pirate, then goes Trick or Treating.

Man: Oh what a nice costume! Where’s your buccaneers?

Little Johnny: Under my buccan hat!

[KRS_SN]

Sheikh's son went for higher studies in Germany. After a month, he wrote a letter to his father.

"Dad, Berlin is a very beautiful city, and the people are very kind to me, I feel odd when I arrive at the university in my Ferrari while my professors arrive by train."

Dad replies- "Buy yourself a train, my son, and don't embarrass us" check for twenty million dollars attached.

[3.0L]

Pilots with low manifold pressure and short
pitot tube please taxi up close.

[Esteban]

Q. What do you call an Italian hooker?

A. A pasta-tute.

[KRS_SN]

Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke that was posted not long ago?

It was about a week back.

[KRS_SN]

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walked into a bar.

The bartender asked the rabbit: "What will you all have?"

The rabbit says " I don't know! I am only here because of autocorrect."

[Esteban]

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

[3.0L]

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

It’s because they’re so good at it.

[Esteban]

Q. What's the difference between 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'?

A. About three inches.

[3.0L]

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

[Buug959]

I was out for a couple last night and one of the local craft breweries has a new glass...

[Buug959]

Pete, the serial flasher, was thinking about retiring but he's going to stick it out for another year.