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You know how there are certain posts that we complain don't have that NSFW in the title? I may have to change this one, at least for myself. I'm blubbering like an idiot at my desk. And who would I normally turn to and tell my troubles? Mom.
I want to make it clear she's not at the palliative care/true hospice stage yet. Although sometimes I do somewhat selfishly wish it. I want her pain to end but when I shine the light deep down in my cold dark heart, I know it's as much for me as for her.
THIS is my support group, thank you all for stopping by and slapping me on the back, making me come to terms with my own selfish humanity, or just a hug. Sad, "strangers" come to me but I can't do the same for my mom.
I was driving to see my dad yesterday, and thinking about what some have said about the good memories outweighing the bad. But when I think of my dad, the first memory that pops in my head is when I saw him after his bypass, zonked out in recovery. Suddenly there was this corpse where my dad used to be. I can't remember ever seeing my dad not clean-shaven, and here were these grey stubble all over his face. He was mouth-breathing these pale, rattling breaths. Then not 6 weeks later I'm helping him build a fence and having to ask him to slow down.
The memories of mom taking us to the beach, her passing out on the towel because she had worked all night, are there but fading so quickly. I seem to be left with primarily the struggles she has endured over the 50 years I have known her.
And yes, I'm jealous of my brothers' ability to walk in and give her a hug. . . I can barely put a hand on her shoulder.
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